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I’m very excited about my newest Kindle book: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs. http://tinyurl.com/k6d8qne
One reviewer wrote “This is the paddle you don’t want to be up the creek without.”

Happiness Tip: Age Differences in Dating

I get a lot of letters about older women dating younger men, which appears to be shocking to some people, but I don’t find it so unusual.

Why would a younger man want to date an older woman? Who isn't attracted to success, smarts and experience? Young men can find this just as attractive in an older woman as in anyone else. Perhaps he enjoys the mentoring, perhaps just the emotional stability of an older woman who knows her mind and her heart. These relationships can last; it’s not age that makes the difference, but how well the couple build trust, partnership and a life together.

Socially, there is a role reversal of sorts going on, women are more powerful, and may want men who are younger and therefore, more flexible: men who can handle it if the woman's career and lifestyle are more important. Movies and TV shows are also showing women that dates don't have to be older. Women who have high-powered careers or a well-developed self-image and want freedom and flexibility are exercising more choice. Women who have been divorced and are established single moms may enjoy having a playmate, someone to have fun with, who doesn’t try to control her.

In my counseling office, I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older woman/younger man scenario. The media focuses on the age difference, but what really makes or breaks the relationship is how well the couple can form a partnership or team that works.

Age difference is an adolescent worry: when you're a teenager, an age difference of even two or three years makes a vast difference in your experience and your outlook on life. Such a difference can interfere with communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience. In addition, for the young, the social reaction to such a relationship is often very negative. If one partner is underage, a sexual relationship is even against the law.

But, as you get older, life experience and emotional growth help to equalize your relationship skills and resources. A ten-year or more difference in your ages makes little difference in how well you can conduct your relationship.

Don't focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting along, you have good communication and problem-solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be their problem.

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but differences of twenty years or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older. For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner. But, as long as both parties are adult, and the couple has talked about their age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their respective ages.

The reasons some people choose to date individuals much younger (or older) than themselves are myriad, and often go back to childhood. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation. One inappropriate motivation for dating a younger person is fear of aging on the older person's part. A younger partner isn’t going to reverse the aging process or protect you from old age. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the biggest problems within the couple relationship are differing maturity levels.

Most of us are used to older men dating younger women, but as more and more women choose younger partners for relationships, the question arises: Are women in their late 30's and early 40's are likely to be successful with partners who are 10 - 15 years younger than themselves?

Success in these relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are. Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries, and like to date people who are as active as they are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship -- the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire if and when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

If you’re asking: “Is it OK for me to have a partner who is much older or younger than I am?” You’ll do better if you forget about your ages, and concentrate on whether the relationship works for both of you, or not. What really makes a romantic relationship succeed is the emotional connection, rather than external appearance. Men are more visually focused. A woman who connects with a much younger man may be powerful in career, and looking for someone to play with. It's difficult to tell without knowing the couple.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com
© 2016 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences (Kindle and Paperback)

If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at http://tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html

10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love
Aspects of Love
Autonomy vs Dependency
Avoiding The Drama Triangle
Couples Can Cooperate for Success
Coping with Critics
Creating Family Acceptance
Dating Guidelines for Single Parents
Decisions After Forty: Reinventing the Rest of Your Life
Family Meetings
The Family of the Heart
Family Relationships
Family Violence Q&A
The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting”
Four Steps to Success
The Freedom of Maturity
Growing Up As An Adult
Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
Guidelines for Successful Dating
How Not to Fight
How to be Irresistible to Your Mate
It’s a Dirty Job
Keys to a Happy Relationship
Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom
Living Outside The Box
Lovestyles
Problem Solving For Couples
Relating With Love
Response-Ability
Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?
The Right Way to Love
Romance is Not Necessarily Love
Stupid Cupid
Watch Out for Bad Relationship Habits
What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?
When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships
Where is Love?
Why Couples Fall Out Of Love
Your Primary Relationship

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Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX
Re: Toxic Friends (See this past article at http://www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html )
Hi, I always quickly read your newsletters, then save to "digest" and share your thoughts. Last one, within past few weeks, is hidden in my huge cyber pile. Can't find. I'm still learning! Can you resend, as I have a pal who,is facing the problem of dealing with difficult family members. I have been successful for DECADES by using your "kill them with courtesy, but not affection" advice. Amazing how quickly they learn that I am NOT INTERESTED IN THEIR "CRAP," BUT I AM VERY POLITE. I want to share my experience, and reinforce it with your professional "permission" to use the tactic. Thanks Doris
Doris, thanks so much for letting me know you enjoy the newsletters, and for sending them on. You can always find the last month’s article at http://www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html

How are you? I’ve been enjoying your online posts, as always. And thanks for the Follow Fridays! I should do those, but forget. I do retweet you from time to time.
Thank you,