Dear Friends:

I’m so excited to announce my newest book: How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together co-authored with Riley K. Smith Check it out here: www.amazon.com/How-Be-Happy-Partners-Together/dp/1530583594 Please take a look and tell me what you think.

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I’d love your opinion on my other new Kindle book: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs. www.amazon.com/REAL-13TH-STEP-Self-Reliance-Independence-ebook/dp/B00VD94JO0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1467786802
One reviewer wrote “This is the paddle you don’t want to be up the creek without.”

Happiness Tip: To Keep the Romance Alive

Good relationships don’t happen by accident. Having a great connection that lasts takes paying attention and good skills. One way to keep the love and romance alive, is to ask each other the following questions, and listen carefully to the answers:

1.How well do you communicate?

Learn to discuss and solve problems together without arguing or fighting. When you can talk about your problems, you’ll stop fighting and competing, and therefore have more time for intimacy. Listen to each other; be interested in each other’s thoughts and feelings. Listening will bring you closer together.

2. How long since we relaxed together?

Regard your time together as sacred (it is --it will bless your marriage.) Touch as often as possible (put your hand on your spouse's leg while driving; give him or her a little squeeze now and then, hug and kiss each other.) Create a cuddling space in front of the television, on the porch swing, in your bedroom, and use it. Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted, which breaks through barriers. Gentle touch, eye contact, a shared sense of humor and loving words all create an intimate atmosphere. Compliment your partner's looks and whatever else you admire about him or her regularly. Couples disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other anymore. To reconnect, make an effort to listen and understand each other’s needs and wants.

3. Do we feel like partners?

The most powerful thing you can do to keep your marriage strong is to form a partnership, a team, based on mutual respect, caring and helpfulness. If you really want to restore the intimacy in your marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner. Think of being the partner you want to have as one way of enhancing the partnership. Partners don’t struggle and fight. Partners can disagree, but they focus on what will solve the problem, not who’s right or wrong.

4. What have we not told each other?

Don’t keep secrets or hold a grudges. Talk about what's bothering you in a rational way. Listen to your partner’s complaints, ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it's important to you. If you can't find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage; for the price of one session, before the problem gets too large, you can save it.

5. What are we grateful for?

Let your partner know you appreciate what your partner does, and personality traits like a sense of humor, generosity, practicality, hard work, creativity and companionship. The more you praise what you like, the more you'll get of it. We all want to be appreciated. When you express gratitude and praise what you like, your partner is encouraged to do more. Think of it as an equation: Celebration + appreciation = motivation.

Once you’ve opened up communication with each other, you can keep your connection open by adopting the following behaviors:

How to keep your relationship happy

*Learn patience
Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If
you and your partner can't solve problems, communicate or get along, both of you will lose hope
that you will ever be able to enjoy each other or life together. When you're frustrated and
hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. Patience and good will lead to more intimacy and love.

*Don't be cool:
Today's popular culture is cynical and 'cool'; expressions of love are often looked on as
embarrassing and awkward. But, keeping love alive and flowing in your relationship is essential
to being happy with each other. Set aside your reluctance, and let each other know when you feel
loved, and appreciate (with verbal thanks, with flowers and candy, with dinners out, or special meals at home, with a hug or a kiss) your spouse's efforts to love you. No matter how awkward you feel at first, you'll soon enjoy being in the loving atmosphere that results.

*Go for the fair deal:
If you're worried that your partner isn't feeling loved or appreciated, don't let it pass. Ask about
it. Bring it up whether you think you are getting a less than fair deal, or a more than fair deal. Make sure whatever agreements you make feel fair to both of you. Give as much as you get. Carry your share in the relationship.

*Don't resist, listen.
We often have a knee-jerk negative response to what a mate tells us, or wants to do. Instead of
replying negatively, "That won't work..." "We can't do that..." Try listening and thinking for a few
seconds more. You may find out your initial response changes, and at any rate, listening and
understanding is not the same as agreeing. When your spouse feels that you care about what he
or she is saying, the nature of the communication will change for the better. A partner who feels understood can be more understanding.

*Make eye contact and smile:
Unless your partner is talking about something really sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile
would be inappropriate, look each other in the eyes and smile while you're listening. Your
companion will automatically feel more understood and cared about, which will change the
feeling level of the discussion. Don't stare unblinkingly, just look for a few seconds at a time, to
communicate your attentiveness.

*Touch each other.
Sit near your significant other, and gently place your hand on his or her shoulder, leg, or arm. If
you're in the car, lightly touch your partner’s leg or arm. You'll find your conversation becomes
warmer and more caring. If you've been struggling, or are ready to forgive each other, facing
each other and holding both hands will help you feel more positively connected and reassured.

*Keep sex alive.
Learn the skills of keeping sex alive in the long term. Don't expect the same breathlessness as
you have early in a new relationship. Instead, make sex about enjoying each other, being close,
keeping each other happy. “Better Intimacy, Better Sex” http://www.tinatessina.com/better-intimacy-better-sex.html will show you more about how it works.

*Try laughter.
If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor. After a difficult
interaction with a store employee; on the way out you could say, "That went well." with a touch of irony. Or, when someone drops something and makes a mess, you could say, "the gremlins are here again." Or use comic lines like "It's always something" or "It could happen" to change stress to silliness. Don't poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say "I know this is tough, but we'll get through it." Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen.

*Use pleasant surprises.
Try hiding a love note in your spouse's briefcase or lunchbag, a post-it with a smiley face on the underside of the toilet seat, a flower, plant, card or balloon for no reason, or an unexpected gentle pat on the rear or caress of the arm, a hug or a kiss to say "I'm thinking good thoughts about you, and I love you."

*Ramp up the sweetness.
Married life has its unavoidable stresses and strains. To keep things in balance, we need to put a
bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between us. Thoughtfulness, 'thank you's' and
gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your marriage. Keep things running
smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently. You'll be amazed at how good
you feel, and how much more responsive your partner is. Politeness, gratitude, pleasantness and loving gestures all add sweetness.

*Schedule time together.
No matter how crazed you are with work, kids and bills, it's essential to put aside regular time
each week for the marriage. Have a "date night" which includes a "state of the union" discussion
(as described above, but just the two of you) or take a pleasant walk or drive. Keeping connected
means things don't build up to fighting status, and you'll remember how good you are together.
Don't forget to celebrate and appreciate each other. Motivation comes from celebration and
appreciation, so when you spend pleasant time together, you'll both be more motivated to make
your marriage as good as possible.

*It's a partnership, silly!
Keep in mind that before anything else, you're partners, so check frequently to make sure you're
not acting like competitors or avoiders. You're in this thing together, and partnership is what it's
all about.

*Reminisce about Good Times
"Remember when..." is a great beginning to a loving conversation. It creates so much good
feeling to remember how you were when you were dating, when you got married, when you first
bought your house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion. Reminding
yourselves of your solid history together is a way to increase your bond. Old photos of your wedding, the birth of a child, or a great vacation will all prompt a pleasant chat.

*Brag to friends in your mate's hearing.
Of course, tell your mate to his or her face how much you care, but also be sure to tell your
friends, while your mate is around, what a great guy or gal you married. "Harold is so thoughtful.
Today he helped me around the house." Or "Sue is such a great mom. She really gives the kids a
sense that they're loved and she still keeps them toeing the mark." Or, "Did you hear? Fred got a
big promotion. I'm so proud of him." Or, "I don't know what I'd do without Judy. She's so great
with money." Or, "Doesn't my sweetie look great today? I'm so lucky." Don't worry if your
partner looks embarrassed. He or she will also be pleased, and remember your brag for a long
time.
© 2016 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together (Kindle and Paperback)

If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html


Aspects of Love
Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude
Better Intimacy, Better Sex
Couples Can Cooperate for Success
Creating Unconditional Love
From Struggling to Solving
Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely
Handling The Green-Eyed Monster
How Not to Fight
How Sex Can Evolve in a Long Relationship
How to be Irresistible to Your Mate
How to Love an Anxious Person
Keys to a Happy Relationship
Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom
Love and Chemistry
Lovestyles
No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!
Problem Solving For Couples
Relating With Love
Response-Ability
Releationship Myths
Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?
Romance is Not Necessarily Love
State of the Union Meeting
Stop Reacting and Start Relating
Technology and Love
Watch Out for Bad Relationship Habits
What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?
When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships
Why Couples Fall Out Of Love

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Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX
Re: How to Stay Young (See this past article at www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html )
Hi Tina, congrats on new books and always great articles etc. look forward to reading you for a long time to come. best ahead, Stevanne

Thank you for your kindness and great suggestions, Stevanne – I’ll incorporate them.

Hi Tina, I had a moment at work, and did a quick read of this email - it is AMAZING!!!!!
Thank you for all the beautiful, supportive work you put out into the world. When I get home tonight, I want to read about the "reinventing yourself after 40" article - as I seem to be doing just that. Anyhow - just had to say thank you. Hope you are having a great day! Kat :)

Thank you, Kat! I really appreciate all you share with me.

Great you have a new book, Tina! I’m ordering it now! And what a wonderful newsletter, so spot on. The basics are always worth repeating and reviewing - they support everything else!
Thank you and…I love you! - Randy

Thanks so much, Randy. I’ll be eager to hear what you think of the book.