Dear Friends:

I’m so excited to announce my newest book: How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together co-authored with Riley K. Smith Check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/zbe63u9
Please take a look and tell me what you think.

IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS NEWSLETTER , JUST CLICK ON THE LINK AT THE BOTTOM, AND YOU WILL BE INSTANTLY REMOVED.

Welcome to our new subscribers, I love hearing from all of you, and I've printed your e-mail responses at the bottom of this newsletter. I welcome all suggestions for topics. To make sure your spam system doesn’t reject this newsletter, please add tina@tinatessina.com to your list of acceptable e-mail. I am not able to fill out forms online because you’re screening for spam. To unsubscribe, see below.

Remember if you don’t want the newsletter, just click the link at the bottom, and you’ll be instantly unsubscribed. If you missed the newsletter last month, the article is on my website at www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html

I’d love your opinion on my other new Kindle book: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs. http://tinyurl.com/jlea2ru
One reviewer wrote “This is the paddle you don’t want to be up the creek without.”

Happiness Tip: Your Partner’s Annoying Habits “And that’s when I shot her, your Honor” my husband says when he’s annoyed with me, or had it with one of the many quirks I have that drive him crazy. That punch line never fails to make us laugh, and diffuse the situation.

Why does the person you love most get on your nerves so badly? It’s not that men are from Mars, or women are from Venus; it’s more like we all grew up on different planets – and when planets collide; watch out! It seems logical that like would attract like, but in my private counseling practice, it’s obvious that people are often drawn to their opposites. In a new relationship, it's adorable and exciting. It’s not until partners become comfortable and more relaxed with each other, that all those new and exciting quirks become old and irritating. Familiarity makes those endearing little noises, expressions, habits and oddities stand out like prickles on a cactus.

No matter how much you love each other, you’re likely to get irritated at these annoying bits. But there’s good news, too. It’s possible to work around the irritating quirks of the people you live with, you are friends with, or you deal with at work.

We all like to imagine that life would be smoother, and the relationship would be ideal if your frustrating partner would just change. But, people who have to be separated for a period of time are often surprised to find they miss the little oddities of their loved one’s personality.

Weirdnesses are a part of who your partner is, and part of why you fell in love. The fantasy that you two would be happier if you were more alike seems lovely, but too much similarity becomes boring. On the other hand, if there's not a certain degree of similarity between you and your partner, the relationship will be too stressful. The excitement and challenge of your relationship comes from your differences, the security and ease of your relationship comes from your similarities. Those blankety-blank quirks are part of the excitement and sustained interest between you.

Because we are all different from one another, with different backgrounds, experience and early training, everyone has small quirks, personality traits or habits that must be accommodated, in one way or another, if we wish to have a sustainable relationship. These quirks (a laugh that grates on the nerves, differences in messiness or neatness, irritating jokes or stories, incompatible work schedules, and different ideas about TV programs or music, housekeeping, your partner's nailbiting or smoking, what and when to feed the dog, how politely to speak to your children, or how warm the room should be) when endured for months and years, can feel like sufficient reason to get a divorce, or even commit mayhem. Many of these things may seem "silly" and so insignificant that you feel embarrassed to be so unhappy about them, but if you and your partner can't negotiate and resolve your frustration, small irritations can create enough resentment over time to become serious problems.


Guidelines: Dealing with Your Partner’s Personality Quirks

When such small irritations happen, there are four things you can do.

1. Sometimes, your partner's quirks, such as being messy, picking at teeth, not putting lids back on jars tightly, watching too much TV, or singing off key, are small enough to be easily dismissed by deciding the "whole package" of your partner more than makes up for the little annoying habits. If you can do this without resentment, your partner's quirks will cease to be a problem, although occasionally you may need to remind yourself of the benefits of being together.

2. You can also voluntarily modify your own behavior (go to the bathroom to pick teeth, screw the lids on tight) to reduce the annoyance to your partner.

3. You can minimize (by leaving the room or distracting yourself with a project) the impact of your partner's habits on yourself.

4. If the above three steps don't work, and you feel irritated and resentful about a quirk or habit, you and your partner can discuss the problem objectively, without blame or defensiveness, to create solutions that satisfy both of you.

Using these guidelines will help you create new ways to be partners for a lifetime without getting on each other's nerves; and to develop new options for dealing with the irritations when they arise.

Quirks are problematic outside your marriage, too. There are people in your life who are easy to be around and others who are more difficult for you. It’s not that they’re bad people, others get along with them fine, and, with a little thought, so can you. Perhaps you need to work a little bit more to understand what they mean, to not take what they say the wrong way, or use a little more patience around them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from yours. It’s worth the work, because your differences will stretch both of you a bit, and enrich my life and understanding in ways that more similar people don’t. Challenging relationships can be the most rewarding, when you understand they have a purpose. © 2016 Tina B. Tessina
adapted from: Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences http://tinyurl.com/h4xtnzx (Kindle and Paperback)

If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html

Age Differences in Dating
Attitude Adjustment
The Challenges of Blended Families
The Colors of You
Couples Can Cooperate for Success
Creating Unconditional Love
Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence
Fair Fight Guidelines
From Struggling to Solving
Gentle Persistence
Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
How Not to Fight
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk
How to Help a Loved One Who is Depressed
How to Love an Anxious Person
It’s a Dirty Job
Kindness and Happiness
Learn to See Through The Eyes of Love
Learning Forgiveness
Lovestyles
Mirrors and Teachers
Practicing Patience
Response-Ability
Self Control: Who’s in Charge Here?
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Three Little Words
To Keep the Romance Alive
Watch Out for Bad Relationship Habits
Why Couples Fall Out Of Love

Let’s get connected!

Follow me on Twitter @tinatessina
"Like" my Dr. Romance Facebook Page www.facebook.com/DrRomanceBlog#!/DrRomanceBlog
Facebook: www.facebook.com/tinatessina
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/tinatessina

I'll also answer your questions at www.tinatessina.com

Upcoming radio shows, TV, and lectures are all posted on my website at www.tinatessina.com

I welcome your feedback and support, please contact me at tina@tinatessina.com.

Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX
Re: Healing Dysfunction: Thanking the Past (See this past article at www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html )
Very interesting insights, as always. Thank you, Tina! (I am nearly finished writing my memoir, so this subject hits home) I hope you had a fun xmas and new year's! Hugs, Staci


Thank you Staci! Good luck with your memoir!