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My newest book is out! This is the original version of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free in a new 4th edition. The one that got it all started. Take a look! And please review it on Amazon. http://tinyurl.com/hbuhban

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How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together co-authored with Riley K. Smith Check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/zbe63u9 Please take a look and tell me what you think.


Happiness Tip: Love with Head and Heart

Falling in love sounds lovely, doesn't it? Why then do I get so many clients in my office talking about how they're afraid to do it, or asking me if I think it would be OK for them to go ahead and fall in love with someone they describe in great detail (usually trying to convince me how wonderful he/she is!)? They want to know if it’s safe to surrender to love, and how to tell if it’s a good match.

Most of our learning about love and relationships is unconscious. We learn how to love and how to be a "family" long before we learn to think critically and logically. I am constantly surprised to see so many competent, successful business people frightened and confused by the possibility of a relationship. Why is it that people who easily take great financial gambles and win often are afraid to gamble on love?

The difference has to do with learning. Most of us are not exposed to business, our first job, and making money decisions until we are at least in our teens. So, when we learn about a new enterprise, we have the thinking capacity to evaluate what we're learning. If we're told to do something we feel is wrong, we have a chance to recognize that and to ask questions. We decide what we want to choose after considering its value in our situation.

Love and family, however are learned much earlier. A small child or infant learns a lot before that ability to choose or evaluate is developed. So, by the time we have the means to evaluate what we've learned, it's already been accepted as "the way it is". It is possible to change what we've accepted as true, and to reevaluate it later, and many of us do. But, first we have to recognize there's something we want to change. It's not automatic.

I know it's time to reevaluate my beliefs about something when I feel scared, unsure, confused about it, or when I've already proved my system doesn't work. That feeling of confusion or insecurity can be a highly useful tool. I cannot surrender fully when I am insecure. So, if I want to surrender to love, I must be secure about what it means. I can feel more secure if I choose from the neck up (via thinking), as well as from the neck down (via feeling) . That is, to use my mind as well as my body reaction to evaluate a potential beloved. Yes, the chemistry is important. No one has the energy for the sometimes difficult journey of love without the excitement of that bodily knowing.

Still, chemistry is tricky, and can be based on false assumptions and fantasies. Fantasy can give us courage to move ahead, but if you don’t think about it rationally, you can move into a trap. It's always important to check out the reality, too. If you feel nervous and unsure, chances are you haven't checked the situation out, and your inner wisdom knows it. It's asking you for a safety check, and to take enough time to make an informed decision.

Your relationship is at least as important as a business decision. Just as you would check the facts before investing money, check out this investment of time and caring. Chances are it's OK, and has a few potential problems: that’s great! Now you have a head start on solving them. If you can’t see any problems at all, you’re probably not thinking clearly.

Think of entering into love as you would applying for a new job. Job search is not often a totally truthful experience. Applicants tend to exaggerate their assets, and so does the employer. That's how the game is played, and we know not to be totally trusting.

However, because our conditioning has been not to think about relationships, but to guess and assume, we are caught by surprise when the reality turns out to have flaws. Instead of calmly assessing the situation, getting good information or advice, and making decisions, we feel we should automatically know how to do it right. But when two different people, with different viewpoints, ethics, and minds are together, there is no right or wrong, there's only what works.

Learning to think clearly in relationships, to sort out reality from (negative or positive) fantasy, to problem-solve and work out solutions on the spot rather than make rules in advance, are the necessary skills for success.

These skills produce a feeling of competence, which contributes to self-esteem and self-confidence. Having that self-assurance, you can tell when it is safe to surrender, to allow life and love to happen, knowing that you are competent to handle the lumps and bumps as they arise.

© 2017 Tina B. Tessina
adapted from:
How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together (Kindle and Paperback)

If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html

HAPPINESS TIPS FROM TINA
10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love
Age Differences in Dating
Aspects of Love
Autonomy vs Dependency
Avoiding The Drama Triangle
Better Intimacy, Better Sex
The Challenges of Blended Families
Couples Can Cooperate for Success
Creating Unconditional Love
Dating Guidelines for Single Parents
Dating: The Fine Art of “Squirrel Hunting”
Decisions After Forty: Reinventing the Rest of Your Life
Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence
Friends With Benefits
From Friends to Lovers and Back
Getting to Yes
Growing Up As An Adult
Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
Guidelines for Successful Dating
Handling The Green-Eyed Monster
How Sex Can Evolve in a Long Relationship
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk
How to be Irresistible to Your Mate
How to Handle a Bad Breakup
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship
How to Love an Anxious Person
Is Dating Scary? Here’s what to do
It’s a Dirty Job
Jealousy, Faithfulness and Distance
Keys to a Happy Relationship
Less Talk, More Action
Letting Go of Anxiety
Lighten Up - Cures for Marital Boredom
Love and Chemistry
Lovestyles
The One Who Got Away
Response-Ability
Relationship Myths
Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?
The Right Way to Love
Romance is Not Necessarily Love
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
State of the Union Meeting
Stop Reacting and Start Relating
Stupid Cupid
Surviving Loss & Thriving Again
Technology and Love
The Tennis Match: How to Balance the Power in Your Relationship
To Keep the Romance Alive
Watch Out for Bad Relationship Habits
What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?
When Letting Go is Necessary
When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships
Where is Love?
Why Couples Fall Out Of Love
Your Primary Relationship

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Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com