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My newest book is out! This is the original version of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free in a new 4th edition. The one that got it all started. Take a look! And please review it on Amazon. http://tinyurl.com/hbuhban

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How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together co-authored with Riley K. Smith Check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/zbe63u9 Please take a look and tell me what you think.


Happiness Tip: After Infidelity - Stay or Go?

When you get the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or go? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave – fight or flight. But, after you calm down, you realize there’s a lot you’ll lose, and you may have children to consider. Don’t make an instant decision you may regret later, after the damage is done. It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

While I don't think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working, in my practice I see many couples who do the work and wind up happier than before. The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling. If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved can be turned into a satisfying life of enjoyable companionship.

I also see a fair number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had a chance to see what it’s like to be alone, and to calm down and get over petty resentments. Unfortunately, now they’re a lot poorer because of the costs of the divorce, dividing up property, and so on. Here are some reasons to stay or go:

Top 5 reasons to stay:

*Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem, and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.
*You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.
*You're getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.
*You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.
*You still love each other, and it's clearly mutual.

Top 5 reasons to go:

*Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he or she is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.
*You have had it, no longer feel connected, and are not willing to work on it. Be sure this isn't just temporary anger.
*You are prepared to be on your own.
*You either have no children, they're grown, or you're certain a divorce will be better for them than what's going on.
*Your spouse refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

Working these issues out together will either repair and improve the relationship you have, or teach you skills and attitudes you need to know to make any relationship great.

© 2018 Tina B. Tessina
adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together http://tinyurl.com/zbe63u9

If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html


HAPPINESS TIPS FROM TINA

Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
Patterns of Change
Response-Ability
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Ten Things People Don’t Know About Therapy
Turning Poison Into Medicine
Your Primary Relationship
Don't Panic
Handling The Green-Eyed Monster
Letting Go Takes Love
When Letting Go is Necessary
Mirrors and Teachers
Dating After Divorce, Breakup or Loss
You Be The Judge
7 Signs You May Be Too Negative in Your Relationship
Apology and Forgiveness
Avoiding The Drama Triangle
Begin Again with an Apology
Better Intimacy, Better Sex
From Struggling to Solving
Honesty, Intimacy and Personal Space
How Not to Repeat Past Relationship Mistakes
How Sex Can Evolve in a Long Relationship
How to be Irresistible to Your Mate
It’s a Dirty Job
Jealousy, Faithfulness and Distance
Keys to a Happy Relationship
Less Talk, More Action
The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds
No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!
Problem Solving For Couples
The Right Way to Love
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
To Keep the Romance Alive
Watch Out for Bad Relationship Habits
What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?
Why Couples Fall Out Of Love

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Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com