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How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together co-authored with Riley K. Smith Check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/zbe63u9 Please take a look and tell me what you think.


Happiness Tip: Are You Confident or Arrogant?

There’s a lot of confusion regarding the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is about your relationship with yourself. It’s regarding yourself as competent, and liking who you are as a person. It is not about seeing yourself as perfect, simply good enough. Arrogance is about your relationship with others; seeing yourself as better or more accomplished than they are: it can be rooted in poor self-confidence, as a compensation for a poor self-image or poor relationship with yourself. It’s worth knowing the difference, because it has a big influence on your interactions with others, and your success in work and relationships.

Here are some subtle signs that can cause people to think you're arrogant or confident:
How do you think you relate?

Giving advice
Arrogant: Arrogant people tell other people what to do, or correct what they are doing, when they don’t have that kind of relationship status. If you’re a teacher, a mentor, a therapist, a boss or a parent of a small child; or if someone asks for your advice, you have the status to instruct and assign tasks related to the situation. However, the style in which you do it, or if you step out of bounds, might give people the idea that you are arrogant.

Confident: Confident people offer advice when asked, or check and see if their advice is wanted before they offer. As in “I have a suggestion, do you want it?” or, “Would you like to know what I think?” When they do give advice, it’s often couched as “What works for me is…”

Talking about yourself
Arrogant: Arrogant people brag, tend to themselves and not give others a chance. The conversation is “all about me” and doesn’t give any credit to others.
Confident: A confident person asks about others first, asks others to celebrate with them when something good happens, or commiserate when something bad happens, but doesn’t assume what’s happening to them, good or bad, is the most important thing to anyone else.

Talking about others
Arrogant: Arrogant people gossip or say negative things about other people, criticizing how they look or act or sound. Arrogant people can be reluctant to celebrate someone else’s good news, and too eager to hear the bad. Arrogant people feel defensive when someone praises someone else.
Confident: Confident poeple speak kindly about other people, whether they are present or not. Confidence rejoices in others’ happiness and success, and is happy to congratulate them. Confidence understands that someone else’s success doesn’t take away from theirs, and life is not a competition.

Intimate Relationships (friends, family, romance)
Arrogant: Arrogance is all about you: what you want, how you feel, and whether the other person is living up to your expectations. Surprisingly enough, acting like a victim (poor me) can be arrogant. Arrogance is critical and only grudgingly forgiving.
Confident: Confidence is generous, cares about what the other person wants as much as you care about what you want. Confidence is willing to work together to resolve differences and problems. Confidence causes you to take care of yourself in difficult situations, without blaming anyone else.

Workplace:
Arrogant: For arrogant people the office is like a battlefield, and they always need to win. They are aggressive with ideas, and want to claim all the credit for anything anyone else achieves. They look at coworkers as sources of help, but don’t want to help in return. They can be obsequious to the boss, but imperious to co-workers: even equals.
Confident: Confident people do their best, and want to succeed, but understand that cooperation beats competition. They are happy to give credit wherever it is due, and gracious when credit is given to them. They strive to work comfortably with all their co-workers: bosses, equals, and underlings. They are happy to praise, and if they need to correct someone, are kind and helpful, explaining what will fix the problem rather than criticizing and blaming.

Social Venues
Arrogant: Arrogant people want the spotlight. They want to look the best, dance the best, drink the best, and so on. They want everyone to admire them, and you do what they think it will take, but it often doesn’t work. People are attracted to them at first, then turned off.
Confident: Confident people are with friends to have fun, and realize having fun is something you all do together. They think about whether the other people are enjoying themselves, and include them as much as possible, smiling and having enjoyable conversations. They know it’s not all about them.

Communication:
Arrogant: Arrogant people want to tell their own story, but is not as interested in what someone else has to say. They gossip and criticize others. People don’t feel good after talking with them.
Confident: Confident people are as interested in what others have to say and what is going on with them as they are in telling their own news. They genuinely care about others, and the others can feel it. People usually feel better after talking with confident people; because they are complimentary and not critical, If they can’t say anything nice, they say nothing. © 2018 Tina B. Tessina
adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction http://tinyurl.com/z6xafbv
If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html


HAPPINESS TIPS FROM TINA

Attitude Adjustment
Coping with Critics
Detox Your Life
Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence
Getting Out of Your Way
How to Be a Positive Person
Independence and Self-Reliance: Keys to Happiness
Life Lessons
Motivation And How to Create It (Good Boss/Bad Boss)
The Power of Politeness
The Power of Purpose
Response-Ability
Self Control: Who’s in Charge Here?
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Taming Your Inner Brat
Winning The War Within
You Are a Gift
Your Bestest Friend - You
Your Heart’s Desire
Your Primary Relationship
A Good Cry
Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?
Anger Management
Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude
Gratitude, Kindness and Happiness
Kindness and Happiness
Learning Forgiveness
When Letting Go is Necessary
Creating Connections: Draw Them In
Creating Family Acceptance
Handling Rude Questions and Awkward Moments
Mirrors and Teachers
7 Signs You May Be Too Negative in Your Relationship
Apology and Forgiveness
Asking for What you Want
Begin Again with an Apology
Better Intimacy, Better Sex
Creating Unconditional Love
Don’t Keep Your Distance
Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
Honesty, Intimacy and Personal Space
Love, Commitment and Surrender
Three Little Words

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Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX
Re: Don’t Keep Your Distance (See this past article at www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html )

Hi Tina,
Thanks I like reading your newsletter, not just for the helpful info, but also because it reminds me of your heartfelt, kind help during a difficult time in Long Beach. Your kindness and helpful wisdom will always be remembered and appreciated. Sincerely, Ellen

Ellen, thanks so much for writing. You know I’m always here to help if you need me.