Hi Gals!

This issue of the WOW/GOW Newsletter is coming to you a bit earlier in the month than usual, since the American Thanksgiving is on the day I usually send it out, and I wanted you to have it before your holiday. The same will be true for the January issue, which will arrive in your mailbox in mid-December for the Christmas season.

I just penned a new article for GOWs and WOWs, and have included it below for your reading pleasure. I hope it will help you to embrace the late wife in a new light.

If you have some time over the holidays, feel free to browse my archive or articles for WOWs, GOWs, and humor enthusiasts at my web page http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen, and as always, feel free to leave a review or send me an e-mail. I love to hear from you!

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Julie J

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WOWs - Giving Credit Where Credit is Due
By Julie Donner Andersen


Everyone has a past history of prior love relationships: ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands, past lovers, and/or former friends. Each person from our past has contributed in some way to our personal growth. Even if the relationship ended badly, most people can honestly admit that they learned a lesson, gained insight or wisdom, and used the experience to forge a better understanding of self. If personal growth is a good thing, then it makes sense that we should be grateful to the people from our pasts, as they have played a part in molding our unique characters.

Alas, it’s hard to dole out praise to these folks if, for some reason, we harbor old resentments against them. If they broke our hearts or hurt us deeply, human nature interferes with our ability to say, “Thanks for all you did to help make me the person I have become!” but in truth, that’s precisely what the experience these relationships have afforded us has done.

If you are married, do you believe that your spouse has changed you in a positive way? Do you believe that you have changed your spouse? Have you made each other stronger, happier, more patient, understanding, caring, or loving? More importantly, have you helped each other to grow as individual people? I’m sure a majority of married folk would respond “yes” to all of these questions.

Then why does a widower’s present wife find it so difficult to not give credit where credit is due and be grateful to the late wife for the positive influence she had on her husband?

Perhaps it’s because we WOWs (Wives Of Widowers) are not afforded the luxury of “closure”. Unlike divorced men, widowers did not choose to leave their wives. Death chose for them. And unlike divorced men who fall out of love with their ex-wives, widowers will always feel a great deal of love for their late wives. This lack of closure in a widower’s past tends to extend to their future wives to some degree. The late wife, unlike the ex-wife, is not “locked out” of her husband’s heart. Thus, a widower’s new wife must learn to share the same space in his heart that the late wife occupies.

This is a difficult thing for any woman to do. We are a jealous and possessive gender, and find it absurd to accept that our spouses can love two women at the same time. This jealousy can fuel the fires of insecurity rapidly. To overcome feeling “second best”, we tend to compete with the late wife’s memory, vying for that coveted “first place” position in our husbands’ memory. Yet this becomes a frustrating “two steps forward, one step back” race to the finish. In the whirlwind of negative emotions that ensues, we become blinded to one important reality: The widowed men with whom we fell in love would perhaps not be a perfect match for us today had they not been happily married before.

Because my husband was happily married once before, he learned how to be a great husband, which has benefited me immensely as his new wife. Because he kept his first “in sickness and in health” wedding vow while he cared for a dying wife, he has proven his worth as an honorable, upstanding, and loyal man. And most importantly, because his late wife loved him dearly and respected him greatly, he was encouraged toward personal growth and evolved into the man of my dreams.

In this season of thanksgiving, brotherly love, forgiveness, and charity, I urge all wives of widowers to reap the benefits of the their husbands’ late wives’ legacies and, in gratitude, give credit where credit is due.


~Julie Donner Andersen is the author of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife of a Widower” (Writers Club Press 2003), available at Amazon.com. She can be reached via her website at http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen.


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Questions Of The Month – November

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WOW – A record number of responses from the membership here! Way to go, ladies! Keep up the great work! I’d also love to hear from you new gals, so don’t be afraid to send me your responses!

Last month’s questions and your responses below:


1.) Was your engagement ring the same as/worse/better than the late wife’s? Did this bother you/please you?

~~I'm still waiting for the ring. I don't care what it looks like. I'm just ready to make it permanent. He's still on the fence and doesn't know which way to fall. Sometimes, I feel so sad for my BF.

~~She got one. I didn't. Do the math! I try not to be bitter but it's hard not to.

~~The engagement ring. Hers and mine are totally different, which I think is wonderful! Mine is completely suited to my taste and very unusual, and I think that's so indicative of the new beginning - something personal, different, and non-traditional. I much prefer my ring and love it because he chose it himself with ME in mind, not some cookie-cutter traditional idea.

~~My engagement ring is absolutely beautiful and my fiancé picked it Re: out by himself. I am thrilled with it and love showing it off. I don't have a clue what kind of ring he gave his wife. I assume it wasn't as expensive as the one he gave me because they got married right out of high school and didn't have any money. I think through the years of their marriage (40) he probably gave her some nice jewelry, but I don't know that for sure. I try not to think about those things and he doesn't talk about it.

~~Whether hers or my ring was bigger or smaller is of little consequence to me. It is a symbol of a commitment not a sign of ranking. He has shared that there are things that being with me brings to his life that he hasn't experienced before. Does that make me superior to her? Do her 20+ years with him make me inferior? No, it makes us each unique. I feel very fortunate that I don't deal with those issues. I am not a jealous or possessive person and openly acknowledge that I share our life with her memory. And happily so.



2.) Do you get anxious whenever your hubs/BF wants to go somewhere that you know was special to he and his late wife, such as a vacation spot, restaurant, hotel, or someplace else?


~~My BF rarely tells me anything about his late wife. I'm not sure where their special places were. He's comfortable talking about her family or their friends but he won't talk about her with me.

~~I live in the same area he lived in with his wife. It would be difficult for us to not frequent the same haunts (pardon the pun!) they did. But it's only when i KNOW it was a place they went to do I even think about it. Last year, he took me to Christmas services at the church they belonged to -- I was the first woman he'd been there with since her funeral. I'm not sure how it was for him -- he doesn't "do" feelings -- but I found it a mixed experience. I found it strangely emotional -- for me. Perhaps I was projecting how I imagined he was feeling. Fortunately, we had one trip he had wanted to go on with her, but was unable. It was nice to have something that was ours!

~~No, I don't get nervous when we visit places that he and she visited.

~~This is a difficult one. We have visited two wonderful vacation spots the past six months that they had spent some wonderful times. The first was very difficult and as hard as BF tried, I know his heart was breaking. The second trip last week was much better. Yes, I do get anxious, but I trust in his ability to communicate with me and as he puts it, "There was a time when I wanted my life to be over. Now I know I must live and part of that process is working through the tough times. That includes working through the tough memories". There are a few things I have learned in this process that helps: 1) I cannot fix it, 2) I am who I am, 3) I am the here and now, 4) Sometimes it is just better to leave it alone. Today I got an email thanking me for including him, recognizing the processes he is going through, and for being understanding and patient. I know the time will come when I will need that patience and understanding from him. It is worth it ladies.

~~I don't know where he took her because he doesn't talk about it.



3.) In what areas, if any, do you feel “superior” to the late wife/girlfriend? In what areas do you feel “inferior?”


~~The experience of dating a widower has taught me patience and empathy for others. GOWs & WOWs walk a different path and I think we all agree that our men are gifts from God. This makes me feel superior but then the grief monster arrives when I least expect it. I feel inferior when I know he is grieving her. Sometimes I think he wishes he were spending time with her instead of with me. Reality sets in and I have to remember the big picture...the feelings will pass in a few days.

~~I don't exactly feel "superior" to her, but I'm glad that people say he's alot happier w/me and our relationship -they had a rocky relationship and didn't always get along. The inferior part comes from knowing that no matter how much I do or how much I give of myself to her daughter - there will always be something missing - a void that I will never be able to fill, even though she doesn't even remember her Mom much and I've been with her almost the same amount of time as her Mom was.

~~I don't feel "superior" to her in any way except -- without being cruel -- I'm alive. It's not a gloating superiority, but a sad fact. I feel inferior to her because she had his heart first. Her illness took his innocence and I'll never know the carefree, comfortable loving man he was with her. Unfortunately, his fear is that if he opens his heart up again, it could end tragically again. It's safer for him to maintain his emotional distance.

~~I tend to feel inferior in the face of the unknown. After more than a year of marriage, I feel comfortable being myself and starting new traditions and doing things "our" way instead of trying to guess what traditions they might have been used to and I should
somehow try to recreate. The first year was hard but it's easier now. The times I feel REALLY inferior is when we get around her family, which thankfully is not too often, because they are not very accepting of me. They find ways to try to make me feel like
second-best, but Roger minimizes our time with them because he doesn't appreciate that and knows it hurts me.

~~I feel superior to late wife in that I am her opposite, according to my SO (Significant Other). She had no college, married at 19, never worked outside the home, not interested in anything but a house full of children. I have 3 degrees, including 1 advanced degree. I love my career and would go nuts if I had to stay home all day. SO and I share a lot of common interests. I feel inferior in knowing that his kids will always be "hers" and not fully "mine".

~~Wow, this is one we could eat ourselves up on isn't it? I feel superior because I am here now. That feels so mean, but it is true. How do I feel inferior? Let me count the ways! But, our thoughts are choices. I choose to believe (today anyway, there are bad days when it is not so easy), that the here and now is what matters. Focus on the gift we have of today. The rest really will take care of itself.

~~I don't feel superior to her in any way and most of the time I feel inferior. I think their marriage was unusually perfect. I believe she kept a perfect home, cooked gourmet meals, was a great Mom, did everything exactly the way he wanted it and acquiesed to him in all things. Oh and was probably a rocket in bed. But I don't know all this for sure because he never talks about it.


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QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH – DECEMBER

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~~Send your answers to juliedonnerandersen@mail.com. Your privacy is of the utmost importance; therefore, your identity will be protected and your answers will remain anonymous if posted to the newsletter. Participation is crucial to keeping this newsletter interactive, so please, send ‘em in! J Thank you!


1.) Do you know something about the late wife that you wish you didn’t know? Why or why not?

2.) What one thing do you wish your BF/Hubs would talk to you about (regarding the late wife and/or his relationship to her)? Why do you feel it’s important for you to know this?

3.) If, by some miracle, the late wife were to walk through your front door today, whom do you believe your BF/hubs would choose – her or you? Why?


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DEAR JULIE

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Dear Julie,

I am a newlywed WOW. With Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, I’d like to start new and unique holiday traditions with my husband. However, he is constantly reminding me of the way “they” used to do Thanksgiving, which makes me feel like my opinion doesn’t count. I don’t want a carbon copy holiday that reflects what “they” did…I want the holiday to be special. What can I do?

Signed,

Ham, Not Turkey!


JULIE RESPONDS:

Dear Ham,

In my book “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense!”, I wrote about my first Christmas with my Hubs. I’d like to share it with you and the newsletter readers today, as I think it speaks to your issue much more succinctly than if I were to respond to your letter personally. I hope it brings you comfort.

Blessings…Julie



The Ghost Of Christmas Past

Excerpted from "PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman's Journey As The Wife of a Widower", available at Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com


Every new bride dreams of the first Christmas to be shared with her new husband. She wants it to be perfect, special, and wonderful. She conjures up images of snow gently falling in the moonlight upon the earth below, while a fire roars in the fireplace, as her new husband and she merrily decorate their freshly cut Christmas tree with ornaments they have purchased together or been given in their honor, each one with a heartfelt meaning attached. They gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes, knowing this is a unique occasion that has never been and will never be repeated. Their minds are focused only on the other, and how blessed they are to have found one another.


We WOWs (Wives Of Widowers) also want a special holiday that will burn into our memory for years to come, too. And while we can have all these special moments, there are a few glaring exceptions and challenges, with the biggest issue being dealing with the Ghost of Christmas Past (or in other words, the late wife).


My First Christmas Experience


The first Christmas season my widowed husband and I shared together early in our relationship was a turning point in his grief journey. I recall floodgates of tears as the “Ghost” made her appearance in the form of “their” significant mementos and unabashed memory-sharing. He was nearing his third year of grief, and had not had a significant other with whom to share his holidays since her death. As each of “their” ornaments made its way out of the storage box and onto his tree, my husband regaled me with story after story of “their” Christmases and what each bauble meant to him and to her.


While I truly wanted to be the supportive and sympathetic partner, my heart was breaking. It seemed as if there was nothing special left for us to share that would be wonderful in his eyes, since he had already shared it all with “her”. Selfishly, I felt as if my presence meant nothing to him, and I began to wonder why I was even there, trying to revive his otherwise dismal holiday spirit. I worried, “Would all our holidays be like this - full of only “her” memories and his sadness?”. But, I persevered, hoping once we got passed the decorating, things would improve. No such luck.


On that Christmas morning, I eagerly sat next to him on “their” couch, in “their” house, in front of “their” tree, with “their” Christmas CDs playing in
the background, secretly hoping that my gift from him would be so thoughtful and so beautiful that my insecurities would be washed clean and replaced by wonderful new traditions and memories of our own. Imagine my shock and disappointment to open my gift and find a pair of flannel pajamas with a snapped drop-bottom in the rear! Unromantic, to say the least. But a bigger disappointment than that was knowing beforehand that the late wife’s first gift from him was an opal ring with diamonds and a greeting card that dripped with sentimentality and hopes of their future together…and I got a union suit!!


This was not the one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry that signifies a man’s deep desire to make his woman happy. This was not the sentimental, “I know her so well” gift that every woman dreams of receiving from the man she loves.


Oh no! This gift didn’t even come with a lousy greeting card! THIS, my friends, was a gift that said, “I’m still not sure of my feelings for you, and I’m still so deep in grief that I’m not so sure I’ll ever NOT be”. The Ghost of Christmas Past had done what she came to do…and I wanted to hate her for
it.


The Ghost Of Christmas Present


Dinner that evening was to be enjoyed at the Ghost of Christmas Present’s house, also known as my mother-in-law - a kindly widow of age 69 who welcomed me, loved me as if I were her own child, and was happy I had come into the family fold, but even more so into her son’s life. This was a woman, although sweet and petite, to be reckoned with, for she took no prisoners, even her own children, when she was crossed. Tonight was to be no exception. Having noticed her son’s gloomy behavior all through dinner
and throughout the evening, I discovered years later that this wise and wonderful lady, while I packed the car with our gifts, took her son aside and sternly spoke a reasonable facsimile of these words, with a mother’s love and a widow’s heart:


“Holidays have always been a little hard for me since your father passed away, son. But you’d never know it, would you? You only see me smiling and enjoying my family. That’s because what happens on each Christmas day is more joyful, more wonderful, more special, and bigger, than the grief I bear. And do you know why? Because life is for the living - and I’m not through living mine yet! And YOU, my dear son, need to remember that you have just begun to live yours. I have so many children to love and grandchildren to watch grow. My past is bright with memories, and my future will be, too, as long as I remember that TODAY is my gift - the most pprecious gift of all - and the people you love and who love you today are what makes Christmas wonderful.”


Make It Your OWN!


I believe that every day of life is a gift from God, and to live for the present is to show your appreciation for such a gift. Those who live life to
the fullest and embrace with love the special people around them for the joy that they bring will never grieve so badly that the Ghost of Christmas Past ruins their holidays. They will laugh, love, share, and be happy, even if the Ghost makes an occasional appearance.


I wish I could say that from that day forward, I received from my husband the best sentiments that Hallmark™ had to offer, jewelry to adorn a queen, and never again had to face the Ghost of Christmas Past. But, I CAN tell you that I have always received flannel pajamas each Christmas, because they represent a special, funny tradition, unique to my marriage and no one else’s…and I couldn’t be merrier.


I now experience Christmas as it should be for every married couple…snow gently falling in the moonlight upon the earth below while a fire roars in the hearth, as my husband and I merrily decorate our freshly cut Christmas tree with ornaments we have purchased together or been given in our honor, each one with a heartfelt meaning attached. We celebrate life in “our” home, open gifts on “our” couch, with “our” CDs playing in the background. We gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes, knowing this is a
unique occasion that has never been and will never be repeated. Our minds are focused only on the other, and on how blessed we are to have found one another.


God bless us…everyone.



~~Do you agree? Disagree? Have some advice to help this reader? Let me hear it! juliedonnerandersen@mail.com



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NAG, NAG, NAG!~!~!~! :)

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Gals, I really need your help! Please consider one of the following:


CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!!! Buy a copy of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife of a Widower” for all your family (and extended family) members as a Christmas gift…(send it anonymously if your courage is a bit shaky!) It might help them understand you and their role in your life.

Go to Oprah.com – Click on “Story Ideas”…and tell her about WOWS and GOWS!

Do the same for Sharon Osborne’s new show and/or Ellen Degeneres’s new show (I think they’re at the Warner Brothers TV website??). They may be weird, but they don’t pull any punches – which are exactly the kind of MCs a show about WOWs and GOWs needs!

Write a review of my book at Amazon.com and/or BarnesAndNoble.com.

Call your local libraries, and ask them to purchase my WOW book for their collections (via the publisher at http://www.iuniverse.com).

Call your local talk radio station, and volunteer to be a guest caller if they contact me to be their program’s guest speaker.

Tell your friends about “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge…Of Midlife”, my new book that will debut on Mother’s Day 2004. (For a sneak peak, tell them to go http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen.)


~~The only way to get WOWs and GOWs the help they need is to spread the word! Your help is so very much appreciated! Thanks ever so much! ~J.D.A.


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JUST FOR FUN….

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A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn and his wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and Decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up Alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't it obvious?").

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The officer says, "Have a nice day."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.




DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN . . ?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . .and they did?

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ..." And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

CAN YOU STILL REMEMBER:

Nancy Drew
the Hardy Boys,
Laurel and Hardy
Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery
the Lone Ranger
The Shadow Knows
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale
Trigger and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

Here’s more!…

Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooter>
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going, "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action
figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for
giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapons?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!



You KNOW You’re Living In 2003 if…


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn you've been laid off on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.




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ENCOURAGEMENT

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LETTER FROM GOD

Dear Women,

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him, and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this bone, I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib's; strong, yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to be next to him, and a partner to him. You are my perfect angel. You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtues of your heart.

Your eyes...Don't change them.
Your lips, how lovely when they part in prayer.
Your nose, so perfect in form.
Your hands, so gentle to touch.
I've caressed your face in your deepest of sleep.
I've held your heart close to mine.
Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like me.

Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you; my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection, and support. You are special because you are an extension of me. Man represents my image, woman my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.

I love you, my most precious woman!

Love always,
GOD



Remember...
"What you permit, you promote."



Piece of Cake

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack,
and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

If you like this, send this on to the people you really care about. I did. J

I hope your day is a "piece of cake!"

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we
might as well dance!

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NEWS AND VIEWS

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"Differences Between Widows and Widowers"
submitted by: Donald Kausler
This paper was first published by the Scripps Howard News Service, 1090 Vermont Ave. NW Suite 1000 Washington DC, USA 20005 (www.shns.com).


Widowhood and widowerhood refer to the state of a woman or man, respectively, who has not remarried after the death of a spouse.

There are more widows than widowers in the United States, partly because longevity is greater for women and partly because men aged 65 and older are less likely than a woman of the same age range to survive long after the death of a spouse.

Another contributing factor is the greater probability of remarriage by widowers (often with younger women) than by widows. Widows who either remarry or, at least, consider remarrying tend to be younger than those who do not.

‘Widowers are more likely to leave the home shared with their late spouses than are widows’

Few widowers remarry soon after their wives’ deaths, but many of them do eventually remarry. Widowers are more likely to leave the home shared with their late spouses than are widows. Widowers are also nearly three times as likely as widows to relocate in another state entirely.

‘Older men are more likely than older women to repress their emotional distress’

The first stage of widowhood or widowerhood is usually that of grief. Evidence indicates that grief persists for at least 30 months (and often longer) after the death of a spouse for most widows and many widowers. However, older men are more likely than older women to repress their emotional distress after the death of a spouse. This may contribute to the earlier death after widowerhood than after widowhood.

There are important differences in the bereavement experienced by those widows and widowers whose spouses died from natural causes and whose death was largely expected and those whose spouses died suddenly and unexpectedly.

The anticipation of death seems to ease their emotional strain after the spouse’s death. Anticipatory grieving probably accounts for the fact that the depression experienced six or so months after a spouse’s death is less for older survivors than for younger survivors. Survivors of a spouse’s suicide or some other sudden, unexpected event may feel more intense and longer lasting emotional distress. However, recent evidence indicates that the distress may exist mainly in the form of painful thoughts about the deceased.

‘Reorganization of one’s life is aided more by a network of friends than by a network of family’

The resolution of grief is generally viewed as depending on the coping strengths of the individual experiencing the grief as well as the nature of the social network available to that individual. To resolve grief experts recommend accepting the reality of death, accepting the pain it yields, and beginning to adjust to life without the deceased.

Reorganization of one’s life after the death of a spouse is usually aided more by a network of friends than by a network of family members.

‘Older widows and widowers possess greater self-confidence than they did before’

In general, older widows and widowers express lower life satisfaction than do older non-widows and non-widowers. Widowerhood has been found to be more depressing for older men than widowhood is for older women. Nevertheless, older widows and widowers tend to possess greater self-confidence than they did before the deaths of their spouses. Perhaps managing on one’s own enhances their knowledge of their own capabilities.

‘Widows who remarry have fewer concerns about financial matters’

Widows who have remarried tend to express fewer concerns about financial matters, home maintenance, and so on than either widows who did not remarry or widows who considered remarriage but did not do so. Widows who do not remarry often live with a greatly reduced income, especially if they must survive on Social Security benefits alone.

• Dr Donald H. Kausler, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Missouri-Columbia, is author of The Graying of America: An Encyclopedia of Aging, Health, Mind, and Behavior.

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BOOK REVIEW

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(Information extracted from Amazon.com)

Second Wives : The Pitfalls and Rewards of Marrying Widowers and Divorced Men
by Susan Shapiro Barash

Publisher: New Horizon Press; 0 edition (May 15, 2000)
ISBN: 0882821822

From Library Journal:
Barash, a second wife in both her marriages and author of A Passion for More: First Wives Reveal the Affairs That Make or Break Their Marriages, has interviewed hundreds of second wives from all walks of life as well as experts in divorce law and counseling. Her topics include competing with first wives, revenge of first wives, inheriting children, domestic violence, widowers' second wives, power and trophy wives, in-laws past and present, and having children as a new couple. Life stories (with the names of interviewees changed) are interspersed with commentary from attorneys and counselors, but following them is difficult because Barash leaps from one story to another. Lists and boldfaced paragraphs aid in summarizing the discussions, but Barash's convoluted sentence structure makes reading slow; statistics are cited but without any footnotes. Still, women who are thinking of marrying a man who is saying I do again will find Barash's voice comforting. ~ Susan E. Burdick, Lower Merion Sch. Dist., Ardmore, PA
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.


Julie’s Review:

This book’s main focus is divorced men. However, there is a chapter devoted to marrying widowers. A nice companion to my book.

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