Hi Gals!

This issue of the WOW/GOW Newsletter is coming to you a bit earlier in the month than usual because of Christmas, and I wanted you to have it before your holiday. The February issue of the newsletter will arrive on January 26th, 2004.

If you have some time over the holidays, feel free to browse my archive or articles for WOWs and GOWs (and humor enthusiasts!) at my web page http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen, and as always, feel free to leave a review or send me an e-mail. I love to hear from you!

Have a blessed Christmas, full of special memories to cherish for a lifetime…and a New Year full of promise and hope. Please enjoy the following excerpt from my book to encourage you during the holidays.

Blessings…Julie :)



The Valley of the Shadow of Hope
By
Julie Donner Andersen



As the wife of a former widower, many people assume that it is my job to help my husband forget his late wife, to erase her memory from his mind, and to eliminate the love he has had for her from his heart. After all, how could he possibly move beyond bereavement with hope for his future if he still clung to the past? How could he love two women at the same time? Worst yet, how could I, as his new wife, ever feel hopeful about a marriage of two souls while a part of this unique triangle of three?

My best explanation would be this: I have learned to embrace my husband’s late wife. She, like all wives, has played a very large part in creating the wonderful man I married. While he is probably much different than the man she knew, my husband’s late wife has left her legacy of love to me within him. I have much for which to be grateful to her. Why would I ever wish her memory to be dishonoured if I stand to gain so much more by embracing this unusual triangle: my husband, myself, and the late wife?

Being rapturously in love with my husband, I was recently reminded of our own beautiful wedding when we were in attendance together at another.
But while dabbing my tears as I sat in the church pew, something suddenly struck me as strange. If I promise to love, honor, and cherish my husband until death parts us, then is it my duty – my solemn vow before God – to stop loving, honoring, and cherishing him when he does die? Certainly God never intended for us to put the brakes on our deepest emotions just because our partner in life has been taken from us physically…or does He?

Newlyweds don’t think twice about repeating these sacred vows. They are certain that their love with stand the test of time and that their loving feelings will overcome all future obstacles. It is this hope – not the fragrant flowers or pretty bridesmaids - that makes weddings intimately grand. Hope is the reason wedding guests bring tissues and handkerchiefs. Hope is a beautiful thing.

But when a spouse loses his or her life partner to death, hope may be doomed to the wayside temporarily. It is difficult to be hopeful when your soul mate has been ripped from your life, leaving you alone, afraid, and sad beyond words. But love does not cease to exist, and neither does the desire to honor and cherish your mate simply because he or she is now just a memory – an honoured, cherished memory.

When the worst happens, hope is suspended in limbo. When we grieve, we forget that hope is an option. Insightful people know intrinsically that without hope, a widow or widower will not survive emotionally for very long. This is why their friends and family become protective and concerned, flocking to the bereaved’s side to remind their loved one that hope is still in sight and will be a beacon through the darkest of days ahead.

But where does one so deep in grief tap into this source of hope when life now feels like a barren wasteland of useless energy?

The answer is love.

With love, all things are possible. And from that realm of possibility, hope springs eternal. To love is to keep hope alive, and to hope is to keep love alive. It takes courage to love, lose a loved one, and love again. It takes hope to make it happen.

God never meant for us to stop loving our spouses when they die. Rather, He created love to be unconditional, eternal, and renewable. He knew that through love, we could find the hope that He so generously gifts us – love that stands the tests of time, even through the valley of the shadow of death. And in His wisdom, He created love and hope to be an inseparable part of the human spirit.

I believe that churches worldwide should change the marriage vows to reflect the two universal truths that all widows and widowers have come to know: Love never dies - even after loss, and the desire to honor and cherish the memory of a lost love is not buried along with the deceased, either.

My husband’s undying love for his late wife, and the hope that it inspired in him, have benefited me as his new wife in many ways. But the most important is being enveloped in a circle of love that will never end and a hope that will never die. To erase or eliminate that from my husband’s heart would be marital suicide. But to embrace his love for his late wife only perpetuates the wondrous cycle of endless love and strengthens our own union forever.

Copyright 2003 Julie Andersen. All rights reserved. Reprints only by express written permission of author.

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Questions Of The Month – December

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Last month’s questions and your responses below:


1.) Do you know something about the late wife that you wish you didn’t know? Why or why not?

~~I wish I didn't know how wonderful she was, that a room in their church was dedicated to her name, that there is a plaque in our high school noting her achievements, how much she is still missed by so many people. I wish I didn't know that my fiancé had provided for her future security in the event of his death, because he has no plans to do that for me. I just don't measure up.

~~YES! She was petite. I'm not! My BF assures me that he thinks I'm fine, but I AM a woman living in today's very appearance-conscious society. Her swimming suit (basic/not skimpy) is laying on top of a cooler on the back porch. I wonder why. It seems like he looks at it every time I'm there and we come in from outdoors...or is it my imagination?? And if not my imagination, I wonder if he even realizes he does it.

~~Yes, actually I'm a very inquisitive person (it drives my BF crazy!) but we've been together for 10 months now & I know almost everything about his late wife--I ask a lot of questions! I think I've felt like I needed to know things about her-- kind of like comparing the 2 of us (for my insecurity issues) --one thing I wish I didn't know was what a wonderful person she was--an all-around GOOD person-she worked with the elderly--she really cared abut them & vice-versa-- they thought she was so special - an angel...it's hard to deal with the feelings that I'm 'competing' with the ghost of a absolutely perfect, special, incredibly awesome, & beautiful woman.

~~I know that in many respects she was different from me. That's good,
because I don't feel like I have to live up to an "ideal". That's also bad, because I constantly wonder if he is comparing. For example, are my efforts at holidays "better" or "worse" than hers? I also know that in some respects I'm similar to her. I still sometimes have trouble just being myself.


2.) What one thing do you wish your BF/Hubs would talk to you about (regarding the late wife and/or his relationship to her)? Why do you feel it’s important for you to know this?

~~I wish he would talk more about the sheer humanity of it all, so that I could be reminded that theirs was a relationship like any other, made up of the good and the bad. He hints at this, but we rarely have heart-to-hearts about her. It looks like he thinks that by talking about her, I will be hurt, yet NOT talking about her keeps it all shrouded in mystery.

~~I wish he would tell me some of the "not so perfect" things about her...so she won't seem like such a saint...

~~I wish he would talk about their problems or difficulties or her faults. It's important to me because as it stands right now, as far as I can tell, they had no problems or difficulties and she had no faults. I believe that sometimes when loved ones die, we put them on a pedestal and only believe the good things about them. This is a fine thing in that our memories of that person are only the good ones. The bad times are shoved into the background thus pushing any negativity away, and that's always best. But in my case it only serves to reinforce my view that I don't measure up. On the other hand I think it is very admirable that he remains loyal to her memory and doesn't bad mouth her in any way.

~~Honestly? The less said, the better, as far as I'm concerned. In the beginning, I think I had the role of a comforter. Now that I love him (severely!), I think I know enough. I know that he loved and was committed to her. I know that she was a very good mother and homemaker. That's enough for me to deal with, thank you.

~~Well, luckily my BF talks to me quite a bit about his late wife (even about their sex life) because I ask him questions!! He has toned down the talk a bit lately (thank God) because after being a good sympathetic listener for the past 10 months it has taken a toll on me. He knows I have insecurities about her/him. He has divulged a lot of personal things regarding their relationship with her & I appreciate that he confides/trusts in me...

~~I wish he would talk about how he coped with her illness. She was diagnosed 3 months after they were married and their entire 8-year marriage focussed on it. He puts on bravado that she was the one who had to deal with it and all he had to do was support her. But I know the toll it took on him. Because of it, he's afraid to open up for fear of being hurt again. I need to know this because I'm sure it holds the key to his heart. He's shut down his feelings and I don't believe he can truly feel again until he opens the dam to these emotions.



3.) If, by some miracle, the late wife were to walk through your front door today, whom do you believe your BF/hubs would choose – her or you? Why?

~~Thank God I don't ever have to face that reality! I have no doubt whatsoever that he would choose her. He would choose her because she is his one and forever true love. I know that this is really morbid but I can't stand the thought that they will share the same cemetery plot (that was already decided and his name is on the tombstone) and if there is a heaven probably share the same spot there too. I asked him recently where he wanted to plant me and he didn't have an answer. I don't think he really cares so that is a decision that is left to me.

~~Funny you should ask. I recently voiced this fear to him, saying I was afraid he would choose her. He did not say anything to the contrary, so I'm assuming he would choose her. (On a confident day I'd think that maybe he just didn't know what to say...) This resurrects the fears in question #1: Am I "good" enough in comparison? I wonder if this fear will go away when his daughter is grown and when his late wife’s parents are gone. When it is just he and I, it's easier to feel confident about what we are building. Whenever his daughter and her maternal grandparents appear on the scene, it's like he fades back toward what was, and it takes a while for him to come back to me, in a sense.

~~I definitely think he would choose her because he loved her, and they had a long history and a family together. I know he would choose her, but I also know that he loves me and would miss me sometimes.

~~This is easy--I had a dream about this very same scenario recently--how ironic!! I even told my BF about my strange dream of us sitting in his living room & his late wife walking in like she was back from a trip. I told him I know he would push me aside & go running to the door--he wouldn't even tell her who I was or anything (I was devastated). Well, I woke up crying soon after --he told me it wouldn’t happen like that, because he wouldn’t be the same man she had known-- but he didn't elaborate...I know he would choose her over me...bummer!

~~I think he would choose her...first of all for the benefit of his children, and secondly because he loved her and was devastated that he lost her. There were things he wished he had done and said, so for him to have another opportunity at that would be too important to him to miss.

~~No doubt in my mind - he would pick her. She had his heart first. It would break mine, but I would want him to be with her. He deserves the miracle.


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JANUARY QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH

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Come on…send ‘em in! Your responses are guaranteed to be anonymous, as your privacy is of the utmost importance. Replies posted in February’s newsletter, due in your inbox on January 26, 2004.


1.) Did you deal with the Ghost Of Christmas Past (the late wife, her memory, her family, etc.) over the holiday? If so, was it better or worse than you had expected it to be? How so? What did you do to keep one step ahead of The Ghost?

2.) Did you and your widower manage to create your own unique and special traditions this past holiday? Please share with us!

3.) What are your plans for Valentine’s Day? Does this holiday bring the Grief Monster out in him - or the Insecurity Monster out in you? Explain.


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DEAR JULIE

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Dear Julie,

I have been dating a widower for 2 years now. We met 2 years after the death of his late wife. They were married for 7 years (no children). Every year of their married life, my boyfriend and his late wife always celebrated New Year’s Eve at the homes of friends within their “circle”. However, since we started dating two years ago, he has not wanted to attend, even though he’s always invited.

As this holiday approaches once again, I often get those GOW insecurities and start thinking he won’t go because of me - maybe his friends don’t want me there (they never include me on the invitation, just “Bill and Guest”, even though they know me and have known of our committed relationship all along). Maybe they don’t like me (although they act like they do). Or maybe he won’t go because the party reminds him too much of his late wife.

My BF says he doesn’t want to go because he’s older now, and would just rather spend the evening quietly at home with me.

What do YOU think, Julie? Is he avoiding what your book refers to as a “grief trigger” by not going?

Signed,

Auld Lang Resigned



Julie Responds:

Dear Resigned,

I think the biggest hurdle in WOWdom and GOWdom is overcoming the tendency to blame everything on the widower’s loss, i.e, if he appears sad, he MUST be thinking about “her”…if he seems withdrawn, sulky, or unusually quiet, “she” MUST be on his mind…if he gets emotional at sappy romantic movies, it MUST be that he’s missing “her” and their relationship…etc., etc., ad nauseum. The fact is, he just might be sad, withdrawn, sulky, or emotional because those are characteristics of his personality that have been a part of him since birth.

We GOWs and WOWs must do our level best to stop jumping to conclusions, especially since we always tend to base our assumptions on his grief. Truly, some of a widower’s reactions to certain situations ARE based on his loss. However, I believe your boyfriend’s reluctance to attend this New Year’s party has more to do with YOU than it does with the late wife. A great majority of men and women – especially those of us in our midlife years! - spend the holiday together at home, quietly and intimately bringing in the New Year.

My advice? Don’t borrow trouble. I think he’s telling you the truth. Relax, and enjoy this special time together. Have a happy and safe New Year!….J.D.A.



~~Do you agree? Disagree? Have some advice to help this reader? Let me hear it! juliedonnerandersen@mail.com

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NAG, NAG, NAG!~!~!~! J

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Gals, I really need your help! Please consider one of the following:


CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!!! There’s still time to buy a copies of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife of a Widower” for all your family (and extended family) members as a Christmas gift…(send it anonymously if your courage is a bit shaky!) It might help them understand you and their role in your life.

Go to Oprah.com – Click on “Story Ideas”…and tell her about WOWS and GOWS!
Do the same for Sharon Osborne’s new show and/or Ellen Degeneres’s new show (I think they’re at the Warner Brothers TV website??). They may be weird, but they don’t pull any punches – which are exactly the kind of MCs a show about WOWs and GOWs needs!

Write a review of my book at Amazon.com and/or BarnesAndNoble.com.

Post your feedback to my WOW/GOW articles on my website at http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen.

Call your local libraries, and ask them to purchase my WOW book for their collections (via the publisher at http://www.iuniverse.com).

Call your local talk radio station, and volunteer to be a guest caller if they contact me to be their program’s guest speaker.

Tell your friends about “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge…Of Midlife”, my new book that will debut on Mother’s Day 2004. (For a sneak peak, tell them to go http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen.)


~~The only way to get WOWs and GOWs the help they need is to spread the word! Your help is so very much appreciated! Thanks ever so much! ~J.D.A.

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JUST FOR FUN….

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6 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH A CHILD

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated her belief that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer. She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”


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ENCOURAGEMENT

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"To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life
has breathed easier
because you have lived…
This is to have succeeded."

~~Ralph Waldo Emerson



WOMAN

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and have two pairs of hands.

"The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Two pairs of hands! No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning! They bring joy
and hope. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their
family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

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NEWS OF THE WEIRD

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WIDOWER LEARNS TO BREASTFEED
From Ananova News (http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_700634.html)

A Sri Lankan widower has attracted the attention of doctors for his ability to breastfeed his young daughter.

Mr. B. Wijeratne, from Walapanee, near Colombo, took to breastfeeding her soon after his wife died three months ago while giving birth to their second child.
His elder daughter, 18-month-old Nisansala Madhushani, was so used to her mother's milk that she would not take formula milk.

Mr. Wijeratne told the Sinhalese-language newspaper, Lankadeepa: "My child would reject the powdered milk I tried feeding through a bottle.”

"Unable to see her cry, I offered my breast. That's when I discovered that I could breastfeed her."

The 38-year-old's ability to produce milk was noticed by doctors at the government hospital in the town of Kurunegala.

Dr. Kamal Jayasinghe, a spokesman for the hospital, said: "Men with a hyperactive prolactine hormone can produce breast milk."

His younger daughter, who has still to be named, has taken to powdered milk.


Julie responds: Wonder if U.S. male breast milk would taste strangely like Budweiser? LOL! Seriously, what a wonderful bonding experience this could be for a man! Sure would take a load off of the tired mom sometimes! Still, it’d be odd to date someone whose shirt sprouted milk stains whenever he heard a baby cry! Ewwww!

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BOOK REVIEW

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Note from Julie: This book is being sold as a companion deal along with my book, “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife Of A Widower” on Amazon.com. I recommend this book highly as an invaluable resource for all widowers, even those who have remarried, no matter how long they’ve been widowed. Used with my book, this set can be a great communication builder for WOW/GOW relationships, as well as stepping stones to healing….J.D.A.


The following description was taken from Amazon.com:

THE GRIEF RECOVERY HANDBOOK
by John W. James (Author) and Russell Friedman (Author)

Book Description
Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on your capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories, as well as from others, the authors illustrate what grief is and how it is possible to recover and regain energy and spontaneity. Based on a proven program, now extensively revised, The Grief Recovery Handbook offers grievers the specific actions needed to complete the grieving process and accept loss. For those ready to regain a sense of aliveness, the principles outlined here make this a life-changing handbook.

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Note from Julie: As always, please feel free to forward this newsletter to anyone you feel it may help.


I’m just an e-mail away…J.D.A.