Click this link to download your copy of Julie Donner Andersen's Newsletter.
http://www.authorsden.com/adstorage/6783/JuliesNewsletter_July2004.doc

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Hi Gals!

First of all, my most sincere apologies for getting this newsletter to you so late! As I stated in a recent e-mail to you, Hubs and I have sooo busy, been taking care of a neighbor’s dog, making meals, cleaning house, etc. for our dear friends whose little 4 yr. old girl had open-heart surgery. UPDATE: She is HOME now, and doing just fine! Thanks to all who prayed and sent good thoughts. This child is living proof that miracles DO happen!

Another apology….Many of you write to me, and I LOVE hearing from you. However, sometimes life gets complicated, busy, and otherwise stressful, and I become lax in my responses to you. I’m so sorry. I will respond in good time, so please have patience with me. In the meantime, why not write to your WOW/GOW penpal? If you don’t have one yet, please let me know and I will be sure to hook you up!

The guest article this month is fro a dear friend of mine and a fellow author, Pamela Adams. Pam is a grief specialist, whose book is for children who have lost a parent. In Pam’s article, she discusses caring for the grieving child. Enjoy!


As always, I’m only an e-mail away!

Blessings…Julie 


(~~Julie Donner Andersen is the author of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife of a Widower,” available at Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. Her personal website is http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen Julie can be reached via e-mail at juliedonnerandersen@mail.com)



(Disclaimer: The opinions, feelings, and emotions displayed in the articles, stories, news articles, and poems in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect the same as the newsletter owner, Julie Donner Andersen, and should not be construed as her personal advice/opinion, nor be considered her personal endorsement. Thank you.)


GUEST ARTICLE:

Thoughts to Keep in Mind While Helping a Child Cope with Loss – Part 1
By Pamela Adams
sonsgriefjourney at yahoo.com
http://www.sonsgriefjourney.com

Author: Once Upon a Family (A Son's Journey of Love, Loss, and Hope)


A child’s coping skills are molded by the gains and losses that he experiences in life. Gains are easy to identify, but what defines a loss for a child? A child's loss is not limited to the death of a family member, friend, or pet. Divorce, health problems, or a parent serving in the military can also represent a sense of loss to a child. Consider the following when helping a child to navigate his grief journey:

• You must take good care of yourself, too!

As you encourage a child to take care of himself, you must take care of yourself, too. How well a child copes with the loss depends on how well you cope with the loss. You are the role model and you set the stage for the recovery.

• A child can be a source of comfort for you.

You can get so caught up in trying to make a child feel better that you forget that he can help you to feel better as well. Don’t you like the warm and fuzzy feeling that you get when you curl up with or hug a child? And when that child realizes that he is being helpful to you, his self-esteem soars!

• Talking is good, but listening is better.

The more a child talks about the loss, the more real the loss will become for him. The more real the loss becomes, the quicker he will accept the loss. Remember that it is more important for you to listen than it is for you to talk. When you are a good listener, you give the child an opportunity to talk through his feelings. As a bonus, you can keep tabs on how well the child is actually doing.

• Don’t minimize a child’s loss.

What may seem trivial to you and me may be important to a child. If the loss upsets a child, then obviously what he lost meant something to him. Don’t say, “it was just a toy” or “we can get you another one.” Regardless of how tragic you perceive the loss to be, a child needs to be reassured that his feelings are okay. Help the child to understand that his feelings are his friends and that they will help him to feel better over time.

• It is important to have realistic expectations.

The effects of a loss might last a year…maybe three…could be five…or probably a lifetime. This is as definite a time frame as I can give you. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to say, “Hang on. Only _ more months to go!”? But one thing is for sure…a child will not get over his loss overnight.

If a child loses a close family member, he may become afraid of losing other family members or friends as well…and with good reason (especially if a child has lost a parent). Be sure to reassure him that you love him and will do everything in your power to keep from leaving him.

A grieving child has a long, hard grief journey ahead. Whether or not he does his grief work, he will arrive at his destination. But the personal growth and happiness that he has achieved is ultimately up to him.

~~Pamela Adams (The author grants reprint permission to opt-in publications and websites so long as the copyright and by-line are included intact and the article is not


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QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH – JULY (and your responses)


1.) Has your BF/Hubs/anyone else ever called you by the late wife’s name? If so,
how did that make you feel, and/or how did you resolve the problem?

~~Yes, he on occasion has called my by his late wife's name. I just let it go, because it's obvious that it's just a fluke, and it's never at an "important" moment. Sometimes when we're hustling around the house putting away laundry or groceries or something, he'll say, "Where should I put this, ____? and then catch himself. So I know it's just an old habit and nothing threatening. He was married to her for 25 years and called out her name for longer than that, so why shouldn't he lapse now? Can't sweat the small stuff.....and it happens so very seldom that when it does, we just have a good laugh. He did it in front of my parents one time, and we all just laughed. He's only human!

~~Yes I have been called by the ex-wife’s name only once. It was only
about 4 months into our relationship so I pretended I didn't hear him as I was down at the other end of the house. That was over a year ago now and it hasn't happened since. I sometimes think about that night and wonder what would have happened if I had have said something and if so, what I could have said? I don't know if he knew he had called me 'her' name or not. It made me feel sad at the time but then I have accidentally called previous boyfriends the wrong name too. I think it is just habit. If he were calling me her name now, I would think things were rather odd.

~~My boyfriend has never called me by his late girlfriend's name, but he has called my daughter by his late girlfriend's little sister's name. I didn't know that was her name and asked him "who is Jessica" and he told me. I felt a little hurt by the remark at first, he apologized and then I really thought nothing of it after that.

~~With our wedding only 11 days off, it finally happened about a week ago – he called me by his late wife's name for the first time. We have a tradition of praying together every night and he was quite sleepy. He asked God to bless him and his late wife, and didn't even realize he had said her name instead of mine. Afterwards, he asked me to kiss him, which I couldn't do since I was wondering if he was thinking about her. So I asked what was on his mind and told him that he had called me by the LW's name. He was very shaken and upset, much more than I was, and told me he had been worrying for the last few months that it was going to happen. I was crying and upset, just because it happened at a private moment, even though he assured me over and over it was a slip and he was thinking of me. By the next morning, I was feeling better, but he was still very shaken. I told him that it wouldn't be the last time it would happen and he couldn't beat himself down for an honest mistake. The day after that, things were back to normal, but he still makes it a point to specifically say my name when he says something to me, which is unusual since we never really call each other by our first names.

~~My husband certainly has not, but interestingly enough, our adoption social worker did! This just happened a few days ago, so I am still hurting from it. The three of us were in a very emotional discussion, and I was revealing how upsetting it is when people second guess my decisions or make comments to the effect that "SHE (late wife) would never do that…" etc., etc., and the social worker looked straight at me, and said "Late wife's name…blah blah blah." I looked at her (glared, actually) and said, "You just called me XXX." She turned bright red and started apologizing. I muttered a sarcastic "thanks a lot . . ." and then turned away. My husband said he couldn't believe she said that and that there couldn't have been a more horrible time to have made that faux pas. But he also added that he was amazed that I was able to move past it and get back to the discussion at hand. I am still stinging from it, and plan to discuss it further with this social worker so that she can fully realize what a negative affect her slip of the tongue made. It has left me with very negative feelings toward her and my husband and I are both questioning whether we can continue to work with her (based on a few other tiny red flags . . . the name thing just sent up a giant red flag for us).

~~My husband was the divorced one, I was the widow...I was the one who would sometimes call my new husband, Jerry, "Jim". (The irony of the same first letter often caught me "off tongue.") Once in a while he would say, "Jeannette" instead of Fran, but that never bothered me because I knew it was a habit of 20 years with him. (My habit was 15 years). Jerry would be more upset, but then we got to the point where we'd actually laugh about it. If so, how did that make you feel, and/or how did you resolve the problem? Once in a while he would say, "Jeannette" instead of Fran, but that never bothered me because I knew it was a habit of 20 years with him. (My habit was 15 years). Jerry would be more upset, but then we got to the point where we'd actually laugh about it.


2.) Would you want your BF/Hubs to remarry should you (God forbid!) pass away? Why or why not? ~~Yes, I would want him to remarry because he is so much happier as a married person. He is not meant to be alone - some guys would do fine as bachelors, but not mine! I wouldn't wish late-life loneliness on anyone, least of all my dear hubby!

~~Yes, I would want my boyfriend to find someone else and be happy if I were to pass away. I would not want him sitting there crying and belly aching over me for the rest of his life. Life is for living it to the fullest and to be happy no matter what. I would not want him to forget me, but would definitely want him to find love again.

~~Yes, I would. My fiance has told me twice over the last couple months that he would want me to remarry and be happy. He knows it's important and told me that he's going to remind me every now and then that that is his will. I wonder if he has made a point to tell me that because maybe he never heard it from his late wife. I have told him that obviously I know he realizes that remarriage is a needed thing (considering that he is getting remarried to me), but I want him to hear it from me specifically. That touched him a lot, that I knew he needed to hear it from me. He has told me that he never would though - he couldn't deal with it again.

~~Absolutely! What a better tribute to me and our marriage than to want to do it again with someone he dearly loves. He is so full of love and has so much to give! I would never deny him happiness or love.

~~I am not married, but if I was....Absolutely! Life is for the living. While I would want to be a happy memory/part of my husband's life. I would want him to find joy, happiness, partnership and love again. If he was alone for rest of his life and not living his life to the fullest-I would be sad.

~~Definitely yes. My hubs needs to be married...he needs the partnership/friendship of woman in his life. But...he has said next time around he'd go the "girlfriend" route and spread himself around!:)


3.) What would you say was your most important “breakthrough” moment in solving one of your GOW/WOW issues? Explain how you accomplished your victory.

~~While there have been several of these moments -- too many to mention! -- we prefer to see them as accomplishments within our marriage rather than "victories" on my behalf. These accomplishments are ONLY attainable through constant communication!

~~We aren't "there" yet. Still a new relationship, taking it one step at a time. Right now the issues are his (guilt/grieving) and not mine.

~~I'd have to say that my most important 'breakthrough' moment(s) have been in never being afraid to discuss his late wife (as per your directions). I am aware that his previous girlfriend shunned all discussion of 'J', which not only made it difficult for my guy, but also for his children. I believe that they have all been pleasantly surprised by my willingness to talk about 'J'. Sure – I can feel some twinges of envy knowing that his late wife shared sooo much with this man who I love. Yet at the same time, I also thank her (yes – even aloud) for helping to shape him, and for showing him that love can be deep and lasting.

~~I have been the WOW for over 2 years (we dated 1 year before marrying). We live in his (their) house, which is ok, but one would not know I lived there except for a few pictures of my kids and grandkids. The late wife was a magnificant seamstress and had a huge sewing room downstairs, which became a "shrine" after her death. She, along with her mother, was killed by a drunk driver while coming back home from a family reunion which my husband did not attend with her. Anyway, I have a dream of writing Christian children's books and have several ready to go. When I moved here to marry, I could not bring my computer with me. I have expressed the desire to have a spot of my own to work on my writing, but the only available space was the "shine" room. With the help of God and the guidance of your absolutely book, my husband packed away some of the sewing articles and bought me a new computer and desk and placed them in a spot in this room. The room still has alot of her things in it, but I told my husband that I did not mind sharing the room with her..after all, they had 28 years together and three kids and maybe I could somehow connect with her inn that room. It is my hope that someday in the near future, I will see more of her things packed away to make room for me, but this was a big "breakthrough" for me and him.

~~We really didn't have any issues other than the children (2 for each of us) and blending the family. That has taken time, but after 19 years, it's a "good thing" as Martha used to say.

~~I think there were two break through moments to take away my fears. First, moving my stuff into the house in preparations for the wedding: We moved the master bedroom to a completely different room, but also rearranged every room in the house so that it would be mine and his. At one point, I was in the guest bathroom taking apart the floral decorations and redoing them my way (specifically without asking and specifically to make a point of change). He came to the doorway and watched and could tell I was a bit nervous about what he'd say since I wasn't expecting him to see me do it. He told me he thought it looked beautiful, and I knew that at the point that I was the woman of the house. The other time was when we were in the car driving. He told me how much he loved me and that he never experienced love this sweet. We had prayed alot to see if marriage was what God wanted for us, something he and his late wife hadn't done. He told me that this was the first time he knew that getting married was specifically God's will for him, and that he knew we had been created from the start for each other. That assured me so much that I wasn't a second choice for him, but a perfect choice for him, and it made me feel like the queen and sole owner of his heart. I think what has made these accomplishments is prayer and communication. There's no other way.



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QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH – AUGUST


OK, gals, send ‘em in! Pick one or answer all three…but DO share with us! Don’t make me bombard your e-mail with nag notes! LOL! Results posted in August Newsletter, due out August 26th….JDA

1.) If you met a “newbie” GOW or WOW today and struck up a conversation with her, what is the one, best piece of advice you would share with her?

2.) Have you ever vacationed to or visited somewhere special that your BF/Hubs and his late wife had been to? Did you know beforehand that he and his LW had been there? How did it make you feel?

3.) What has been THE most reassuring thing your BF/Hubs has ever said to you in regard to your GOW/WOW issues? How did it make you feel?


~~Send in your responses via e-mail to juliedonnerandersen@mail.com. Please do not use Julie’s messaging system through her website at AuthorsDen. Thank you!


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DEAR JULIE


Dear Julie,

What should we keep out of (or decide, as a couple, what needs to be put away from) his previous relationship? He wants to keep pictures out of “her” and I told him that is fine, as long as they are not pictures of them together. Is this cruel? He has a box of her special things but where should this box be stored? I don't really want it in the living room where it is now.

Signed,

Get ‘Em Outta Here!!


JULIE RESPONDS:


Dear Get ‘Em,
I'm gonna wimp out on this one and just advise you to work it out together, since every couple is different, and everyone views possessions in different ways. Me? I'm a sentimental fool. I keep everything from ticket stubs to Cracker Jack toys if they have a memory attached to them. But some folks would find this "stuff"....well, just STUFF!
Hmm....was it cruel of you to suggest your honey could only keep pics of his past life/wife if they were only of her and not them as a couple?? It depends. Would they be pics that would be in public view, arranged around the house you will share together? (Bad idea!) Or would they simply be stored in a photo album, out of sight? (GOOD idea!)
I can't really advise you here, since I don't know your sweetie nor his stage of grief recovery, but I CAN advise you about what I did about the possessions issue: Let him keep whatever he wants, but buy a big steamer trunk or similar storage unit to hold all his sentimental souvenirs, then keep the unit in the basement/attic/spare bedroom. Lovingly suggest to your man that he can feel free to "visit" that trunk when he feels the need, and you will not interfere. That way, he won't resent you for telling him what he can and cannot keep, and you won't have to see her d#@! possessions and pics all over your house. :)
Hope this helps somewhat, dear one. I know you are doing the VERY BEST that you can to be supportive of his grief, but DO try to be less "controlling" about his possessions of the past. Here's why: Ya know that steamer trunk I mentioned? Hubs has never once, in all our years together, visited that trunk. How do I know? Because *I* have the key...and he has never asked me for it. :) Just goes to show ya that with time, your widower will not think of those things as importantly as he does now.
Blessings….JDA

~~Do you agree? Disagree? Have some advice to help this reader? Got a question for me? Let me hear it! juliedonnerandersen@mail.com


SHAMELESS PLUGS AND OTHER ANNOYING AUTHOR STUFF…

~~~Gals, I need your help! My publicist is setting up book signings in the USA and Canada (yes, this WOW is going on tour!), and I’d LOOOOVE to come to your town! Would you please send me the name, address, and phone number (and, if possible, the manager’s name) of the bookstore(s) in your area that host(s) author book signings? Thanks, Gals...I will let you know in a future newsletter if your town is scheduled for a visit from Yours Truly, because I’d LOOOVE to see you there and hug you to pieces!!

~~~Ladies, I’d LOVE to see your reviews of my book show up at Amazon.com, Amazon.ca (Canada), and/or BarnesAndNoble.com. If you have a moment today, would you please visit my book at these online bookstores and leave your comments? Promoting my book on these online store websites is by far the best way to reach other WOWs and GOWs, letting them know that REAL people are being comforted by it. Thanks a bunch, my gals!

~~~Calling all libraries! Yes, PLEASE call your library, and ask them to stock my book for their patrons. Most will be happy to accommodate. Or drop them a note in their suggestion box (most libraries have one) with the publisher’s name (iUniverse.com).

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JUST FOR FUN…

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Bloopers in the church

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.




ENCOURAGEMENT

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From http://creativewit.com/widowers.html

Many a widower remarries soon after his wife's death because he doesn't believe in holding a grudge long.

The widower who marries his wife's sister, bestows the highest possible praise on his mother-in-law.

Widowers grow old alone; and so do husbands whose wives have given up having birthdays.

Henry VIII was probably the greatest widower the world has ever known.


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WIDOWER INFO IN THE NEWS

Firemen Leave Wives for 9/11 Widows
NY Post Via Drudge ^
Posted on 12/01/2003 11:40:24 AM PST by GulliverSwift
Edited on 05/26/2004 5:17:35 PM PDT by Jim Robinson. [history]
At least a dozen of New York's Bravest - some of them assigned to look after Sept. 11 widows - have left their wives for the spouses of their comrades killed in the terror attacks, sources told The Post.
"It's disgusting, heartbreaking what they've done," said Mary Koenig, whose husband, Gerry Koenig of Staten Island's Rescue 5 squad, ditched her and their two kids for Madeline Bergin, the widow of his friend and firehouse mate, John Bergin, after the WorldWhen, after 9/11, the FDNY called in experts who'd dealt with the psychological fallout from the Oklahoma City bombings, they were told that some firefighters may start relationships with the widows.
For the last several months, Mary Koenig has been on a one-woman campaign to get the FDNY to change its protocol regarding counseling after a catastrophic tragedy.
She's written to FDNY brass and state and local lawmakers, calling for what she calls "The John Bergin Act." It would require FDNY brass to supervise the liaison program and to make counseling mandatory after large-scale events.
"If a family comes forward with help with this kind of problem in the future, I want to know the department will be required to do something," she said. "It's too late for my family, but they can damn sure fix it for next time."


http://dir.salon.com/mwt/feature/2001/12/06/widowers/index.html http://www.thejournalnews.com/newsroom/111101/11widowers.html
- Good articles about a widower father’s routine after the 9/11 tragedy


http://www.buybooksontheweb.com/peek.asp?ISBN=1-892896-72-9
All The Presidents' Dates
Jean A. Pupeter

”The term, "Mr. President, Widower", has been used 15 times in U.S. history. Fifteen presidents became widowers at the death of their wives, five of whom remarried: Tyler, Fillmore, Benjamin Harrison, Theodore Roosevelt, and Wilson. The other ten did not. Five president's wives died before they became first ladies. The five were Martha Jefferson, Rachel Jackson, Hannah Van Buren, Ellen Arthur and Alice Roosevelt. Three first ladies died while their husbands were in office: Letitia Tyler, Caroline Harrison, and Lou Wilson. The other seven first ladies predeceased their husbands after his presidency had been completed.”

http://www.wncparent.com/1202/qanda1202.shtml - advice column - woman dating widower father; GOW can’t get close to his kids

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/1134173/posts - Widower with 10 kids becomes priest


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NEWS WOMEN CAN USE

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GEORGE CARLIN'S VIEWS ON AGING

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!



HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

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BOOK REVIEW

(All information has been gathered through Amazon.com website)

FOR HIM:
Widower: When Men Are Left Alone
by Scott Campbell and Phyllis R. Silverman
Book review Copyright © 1997 by J. Steven Svoboda
Amityville, New York: Baywood Publishng Company, Inc. 1996
At last a book on the long-neglected subject of widowers has been written. While addressing itself to an anticipated readership of men who have lost spouses through death, this book constitutes valuable reading for any man who has lost a spouse or partner for any reason, or for anyone who cares about such a man. After an introduction discussing some gender-specific issues faced by men who lose partners, and a short opening chapter on "what happens to men when their mates die," the balance of the book consists of a series of chapters all following the same format: a brief summary of background events in a man's life prior to his spouse's death, followed by a transcription of the oral history which Campbell conducted with each man, concluding with commentary by Campbell and Silverman.
I have never been married and yet found myself quite absorbed by the detailed stories of twenty different widowers. Campbell proves himself an extremely capable and sensitive interviewer, in whose hands men of all backgrounds seemingly feel comfortable sharing their stories.
The book fills a different niche from many men's books I have written. Although the authors do have some level of awareness of the special problems confronting men facing a catastrophic loss of a life partner, they are not as aware as they might be of broader men's issues. One example: A footnote attempts to explain the puzzle that although two men suffer the death of a spouse for every three women who suffer such a loss, the ratio of widows to widowers is five to one. The proffered explanation is that widowers remarry more quickly. But surely at least as important is the much greater lifespan of women as compared to men, a tragic situation which I dare say is of some concern to virtually all men's rights activists.
Despite my own personal political orientation toward men's issues, though, I believe the lack of agenda on the part of the authors of "Widower: When Men Are Left Alone" carries some benefits too. I found the analysis of each widower which accompanies his story in the book to be highly perceptive, nuanced, and sensitive. Each man is treated as a valuable and complex individual, unique and worthy of understanding. Over the course of the book, I actually found this continued interest in and even respect for the value and wonder of each man's life and reaction to widowerhood to be quite moving. The authors excellently avoid the potential danger of a book of this type, which could easily reduce itself to a shapeless series of episodic, random stories. Helping them to avoid this is the web of commentary they weave into each chapter.
We learn through the stories and the authors' commentary that many widowers quickly remarry. Nor is this necessarily a mistake, according to the authors; it depends on the situation and on the man's level of awareness and success at working through his feelings about his spouse's death. Campbell and Silverman thus do not allow themselves to trot out any easy answers. They see each of their subjects as an individual. While failing to connect the dots of these men's individual portraits to some larger men's issues, they easily acknowledge certain truths: "As a culture we don't give men the right to be natural" and "men have as hard a time with bereavement as women do, and often for as long or longer." One of the features of their analysis that I appreciated the most was their continual awareness that although men express feelings differently from how women do, our way of doing it is just as valuable.
Campbell and Silverman have written a book which is accessible enough that most men's mother or father or wife or partner could read it and profit from it. Their book is at the same time a great affirmation of men's diversity and our ability to "do feelings" in our own way. Three cheers!

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FOR YOU:
• Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out
by Phillip C. McGraw (Author)
• Paperback: 336 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.82 x 8.52 x 5.50
• Publisher: Free Press; (May 6, 2003)
• ISBN: 0743227255
From Publishers Weekly
The well-known "life strategist" and TV personality Dr. Phil begins this upbeat self-help book by recalling one of the most unpleasant phone calls he ever had to make. In 1989, ten years into a flourishing career, McGraw called his father to say that, despite the outward trappings of success, he was miserable. His new plan was to move away and start a new career and a new life. According to McGraw, many people are currently in a similar situation-trapped in unsatisfying lives or jobs that they loathe. Too many people, says McGraw, are "so busy being busy, that they have let the colors fade from their lives." They're worried about superficial matters rather than what's important: "I'll bet 90-plus percent of them spent months, or even years, planning their wedding and almost no time planning their marriage!" To change their lives, McGraw's readers must first complete two questionnaires he designed to assess their "authentic self" and their "congruency" (how someone's current life compares with a vision of an ideal life). With the scores from these tests, readers can then embark upon a specific plan for changing their lives-and for determining which external and internal forces they will, or won't, allow to control their futures. Readers familiar with McGraw's aggressive TV personality may be surprised by this book's thoughtful and serious tone. McGraw's notion of making change is not a simple one-it requires readers to examine every aspect of their daily lives-and it's likely that some readers may not be able to make all the changes he advocates. But his book offers a thorough, realistic resource for those who are committed to turning their lives around to get what they really want and need.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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