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Hi Guys and Gals!

Hope your Thanksgiving was blessed and joyful. Being a displaced Yankee living in Canada, it seemed like just another day – except for all the parades and ball games on the TV! Kinda sad, actually. I miss the American Thanksgiving, with all of its traditions…and FOOD! J

But now, on to the CHRISTMAS season! This is my most favourite time of year. People just seem friendlier, more loving, more generous, and certainly happier than any other time of year. And on that note, many thanks to the GREAT bakers here on the newsletter who kindly contributed Christmas cookie recipes for my readers to enjoy!

Being a WOW/GOW at Christmastime often means starting new traditions to replace the ones shared by the widower and his late wife. Sometimes, incorporating their traditions with new ones of your own can be just as heart-warming, too. For some of us, the holiday can be very stressful as our widowers remember Christmasses of old. And sometimes, Christmas can be a new beginning – a shedding of the past and a glorious rebirth of the present and future relationship you share.

Wherever you find yourself this holiday season, may your love for your widower grow stronger as you celebrate the season of joy together.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANNUKAH to my WOWs and GOWs!!! YOU are my very favourite gift of all.

Blessings…Julie


(~~Julie Donner Andersen is the author of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife of a Widower,” available at Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. Julie’s illustrated humour book, “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge…of Midlife!” is now available at Amazon.com. Her personal website is http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen. Julie can be reached via e-mail at juliedonnerandersen@mail.com)

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(Disclaimer: The opinions, feelings, and emotions displayed in the articles, stories, news articles, and poems in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect the same as the newsletter owner and author Julie Donner Andersen, and should not be construed as her personal advice/opinion, nor should they be considered her personal endorsement. Thank you.)



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Christmas Coookie Recipes

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Turtle Squares (by “Lori” from New York)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Blend together 1 cup flour, 1/2 cup brown sugar and 1/4 cup butter or margarine until fine crumbs. Press into the bottom of an ungreased 8 inch square pan. Press 1/2 cup pecan halves into this crust. In a small saucepan, mix together 1/3 cup butter or margarine, 1/4 cup brown sugar and a pinch of salt. Stirring, bring to a boil and boil for 20 seconds. Pour over crust and pecans. Bake 18 minutes or until all bubbly. Remove from oven and immediately sprinkle 1/2 cup chocolate chips over top. Put back in oven for no more than 1 minute to soften chips. Spread chocolate evenly. Let cool on a wire rack until warm, cut into pieces, let the cut squares finish cooling, then store in the fridge.

Cherry Flips (by “Dana” from Michigan)

1/2 cup butter (not margarine)
1/4 cup icing (powdered) sugar
1 egg yolk
1 cup all purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pure almond extract (not imitation)
pitless and stemless maraschino cherries (drain and dry the cherries but save the juice)
more icing sugar
finely chopped nuts, recommend pecans

Cream butter until very light. Add sugar, egg yolk and almond extract and mix well. Work in flour and salt until flour is all absorbed and dough is light and rich. Pinch off walnut-size piece of dough and flatten in hand. Insert a whole cherry, wrap the dough around it and form a ball. Place on ungreased baking sheet and bake at 325 degrees until light brown. Cool completely on a rack. Sift more icing sugar twice, and mix in enough cherry juice to make a thin icing that runs a little but isn't watery. Dip tops of cookies in icing then replace upright on rack so some icing dribbles down sides of cookies a bit. Sprinkle with finely chopped nuts before icing firms. Store in single layers in tightly closed container. These freeze excellent!

Cappuccino Flats (by “Ellen” from Australia)
2 squares unsweetened chocolate
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar (white)
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 tablespoon instant coffee crystals
1 teaspoon water
1 egg

Glaze:
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate pieces
3 tablespoons shortening

In a small heavy saucepan heat and stir unsweetened chocolate until melted over hot water in a double boiler. Remove from heat and cool slightly. Meanwhile stir together flour, cinnamon, and salt. In a large mixer bowl beat 1/2 cup shortening and butter with electric mixer on medium speed until butter is softened. Add the sugar and brown sugar and beat until fluffy. Dissolve the instant coffee crystals in the water. Add coffee mixture, melted chocolate and egg to butter mixture, beat well. Add flour mixture and beat until well mixed. Cover and chill about 1 hour or until easy to handle. Shape into two 7 inch rolls. Wrap and chill for at least 6 hours or overnight. Cut into 1/4 inch slices. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 8 or 9 minutes. Remove to wire rack to cool. In a small heavy saucepan heat and stir semisweet chocolate pieces and 3 tablespoons shortening over low heat until melted. Dip one half of each cookie into chocolate mixture. Place on waxed paper until chocolate is set.


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NOVEMBER QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH

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1.) WOWs only: Do you feel that you have made progress in your relationship in regard to your WOW issues? How so? OR, do you feel like you will ALWAYS feel this way (negative) about your overwhelming insecurities regarding his late wife and former life? Explain.

~~ We have made progress but it has been 2 steps forward, 1 step
back kind of progress. I think a part of me will always feel very insecure
about the LW and their unusually happy marriage. The holidays are upon us now and it will be hard for both of us. I'm not sure what I can do to endure.
He has pain but so do I (my divorce after 36 years of marriage and subsequent death of my ex) - the difference is that his pain is understandable
And expected by friends and family, where mine is not understood and often
dismissed by him.

~~ Yes, I have made progress in the WOW. Issues presented me thus far.
Three years ago when I started dating my widower. I compared myself to the LW a lot. It would make me feel inferior in some areas of our relationship. For instance, I knew she was a good cook and truly enjoyed it. I like to cook and am really quite good at it, but I always have wanted to get the job done and "get the hell out of the kitchen" to move on to the next thing. I wished
I could love cooking like she did, but now I've accepted the fact that I am the
kind of person that would rather do crafty things with my time and there is nothing wrong with that. As long as I cook good (easy and fast!) meals for my man I don't think he cares if I hang out in the kitchen.


~~ My husband and I have been married 5 months, and dated/knew each other 5 months before that. I hardly remember anymore that my husband is a widower, and I honestly can't even think of the last time I felt intimidated by his late wife. So there is hope for those that are wondering. There are many things that I think have contributed to this. He and I both have a strong relationship with God, praying together every day and reading the Bible every day, along with discussing what God is doing in our lives. He and his last wife didn't share that closeness, which is an important part of a relationship. My husband also told me when we were first married (while I was all emotional, overreacting about a reference he made about his sexual relationship with his late wife) not to worry about my place in his life, because I was going to be sharing most of his life with him, having children together and growing old together. (we are now expecting our first child). At that point we had been together a total of 6 months, compared to his last relationship of 6 years. I couldn't wait until 6 years had passed so that I could feel as though he were more mine than hers. But relationships aren't based on time, they're based on sharing. She may hold past memories, but I hold his present and his future, and as we live each day to the fullest, we're making memories too. I must say, I have been very blessed this his late wife's family has told me in different ways that they consider me family now. We will be visiting her grandparents/aunts/uncles over the holidays, and though I still feel slightly awkward around, there's nothing awkward between my husband and me (although I do have an indignation inside that says that I want to make sure we visit my grandparents just as much and more than hers) I'm not naïve to think that my husband's late wife is erased from his memory or life, but I do know there is hope to not have to walk in her shadow, try to fulfill her shoes, be intimidated by her, or try to imitate their relationship.


2.) Who in your present life still makes it hard for you as a GOW/WOW (no names, please)? How do they do this to you? How do you respond to their treatment of you? Is your widower on your side? What do you think you can do to endure?

~~ My husband's daughter still makes it very hard for her, as do her maternal grandparents. Because none of them have ever grieved their loss appropriately in the past seven years, they cannot move on and somehow seem to hold me responsible. I am treated like an intruder
and my stepdaughter disrespects me and badmouths me at every opportunity, and her grandparents question my motives. Fortunately, my husband is on my side and does not tolerate this. We consider it an unexpected blessing that all of their attempts to "drive us
apart" have actually brought us closer than ever as a couple!

~~ His Mother doesn't like me and resents my part in his life. His children and friends are nice to me, but I sense that they are sometimes just going through the motions. I don't know if my husband has had to stand up for me or not. He doesn't share any negative conversations he may have had with family or friends with me.

~~ No one really. My husband's (and now my) father-in-law has been very encouraging to us. A year before he lost his only child (my husband's late wife) he also lost his wife, so he knows why my husband made the decision to remarry. My husband's late wife's grandparents have told me that they're sad about their granddaughter, but happy for us. Even her aunts commented that they bet I never thought I was joining into such a big family (referring to the late wife's family). Friends have been accepting, our church has been accepting. The only thing I can really contribute this blessing to is that my husband and I prayed early on in our dating relationship that loved ones would be able to accept us.

~~ HIS KIDS DRIVE ME CRAZY !!! They are spoiled, dependent and self centered and he caters to all four of them like he works for them. He, of course, is on their side. They are the center of his life, the most important thing to him, he can't stop thinking of them and their benefit yadda yadda yadda...I fall way low on the totem pole compared to them and I am not sure if he notices or understand that as a wife (eventually) that MUST change. So far I endure by bitting my tongue practically in half or screaming and
crying when I am alone. This is hard and it's going to get harder before it gets easier.


3.) Confession time! Have you ever: Insulted the late wife in front of your BF/Hubs? Hid/burned/torn “her” picture without him knowing? Screamed at “her” in anger?

~~ I have practically cursed the first wife OUT !!! (to myself of course) for being so dogmatic and dominant and leaving this man with no iniative and no drive to do anything but survive. He spent their married life accomodating whatever whim she had instead of her nourishing and supporting HIS dreams. If I could get my hands on one of those 76 pictures hanging in the house....IT's TOAST :-).

~~ Have NEVER insulted her in front of husband. You can't insult or scream at a saint.

~~ Well, no... But I must admit that I do sometimes put want to put down the perfectionist controlling personality the some secretaries have. LW was a secretary and a good one.

~~ We recently suffered the effects of two of the hurricanes to hit the southeastern United States, and as a result, I've been cleaning out the soggy boxes in the basement. Yes, I've done it - I've thrown away
photos of the deceased wife as well as some of her stuff. I haven't done this in a fit of anger or anything, but I think that if it's stuff that's in a box which is never looked at, it can go. I have
learned not to ask, just to toss.

~~ Never. There's nothing to complain about cause she really doesn't influence my life, other than stuff around the house. I've commented to him about different decorations around the house weren't my style, and I change them. The hard thing for me is going through 2 years of files/paperwork/junk and trying to sort through it all. I've come across love letters and memorabilia, and my first reaction is to throw them away since he doesn't even know what's in the stacks of paperwork. Then I have to think about how much I love my husband, and how much those things would mean to him, and how much he trusts me to treat his things with respect, so I dig them back out of the trashcan and grumpily put them in the file marked with his late wife's things.



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DECEMBER QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH

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OK, gals, send ‘em in! Pick one or answer all three…but DO share with us! Don’t make me bombard your e-mail with nag notes! LOL! Results posted in September Newsletter, due out Sept. 26th….JDA

1.) How do you and your widower celebrate New Year’s Eve?

2.) What New Year resolutions have you decided to make regarding your relationship and your WOW/GOW feelings?

3.) What is/was the very BEST Chirstmas gift your widower has given you?

~~Send in your responses via e-mail to juliedonnerandersen@mail.com. Results to be posted in the October 2004 edition of the newsletter. Please do not use Julie’s messaging system through her website at Authors Den to submit responses, please. Thank you!


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DEAR JULIE

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Dear Julie,

I am a newlywed WOW. I want our first Christmas together as husband and wife to be special and unique. However, my husband wants to hang “their” ornaments on our tree, go to Christmas Eve candlelight mass at “their” church (at which service they read the names of the deceased members, and the late wife’s will be one of them), and invite “her” family over for a holiday gathering.

I don’t want to appear selfish, but how can I make my feelings known to him without hurting his?

Signed,

Mrs. Scrooge



JULIE RESPONDS:

Dear Mrs. Scrooge,

First of all, let me just validate your issues by saying your feelings are very normal for someone in a new relationship with a widower. It is NORMAL to wish all of “their” Christmas ornaments would somehow break or disappear. Not that you should ACT on these negative feelings, but you should quit feeling guilty for having them! I am NOT giving permission to you nor recommending that you actually break ornaments or anything else that is special to your husband. But do give yourself a break and “own” your negative thoughts. They are just as real and important to you as your positive thoughts and feelings.

Secondly, I suggest you open up a dialog with your husband about the upcoming holiday. Come prepared with a positive plan of action. For example, if you confess your negative thoughts and feelings about “sharing” your holiday with his memories and traditions of Christmas Past, counteract the negativity by recommending some alternative activities, traditions, and party suggestions.

Suggest a neutral church for the candlelight service while at the same time, explaining why you would be uncomfortable at “their” church. Request a family get-together with his former in-laws some other time - perhaps New Year’s Day? – that is not so chock-full of warm-fuzzies coupled with sadness, like Christmas can be for those who have lost a relative.

Remember, you cannot make a widower stop remembering, nor should you. Encourage him to share his feelings about Christmas Past, and allow yourself to compromise with him on some traditions and memories he may wish to keep. After all, it’s HIS holiday, too. Make plans to do something totally different, special, and unique to the two of you (how about a sleigh ride while you snuggle under a blanket together?), and suggest to him that the two of you can make it a yearly tradition.

Keep it positive, and remain compassionate. By doing so, your holiday is bound to be wonderful.

Blessings….Julie


~~Do you agree? Disagree? Have some advice to help this reader? Got a question for me? Let me hear it! juliedonnerandersen@mail.com


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Annoying Author Stuff

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Ladies, I was overcome with emotion from your wonderful response to my request for Amazon.com reviews. Many of you thoughtfully and generously took a moment to post great reviews, and I am so very thankful. While it is most common for authors to make such requests of their readers, it is something that this humble author is loathe to do. Your selfless act has shined a light in my heart. Bless you.

To my other gracious readers, there is stil much to be done to get the word out to other WOWs/GOWs who need help. Won’t you please submit your review today, and help a fellow “sister” in need?

Sadly, wherever there is light, there is also darkness. There is a spy in our midst – someone who has joined the newsletter just so they can use it to further their evil agenda, which is how the one bad review came to be. Unfortunately, because of privacy reasons, I cannot determine who this person may be simply by the newsletter subscriber list, as it only logs e-mail addresses that are not privy to me.

To this person, I can only say I pity you, and will continue to pray for a healing in your heart that is so apparently damaged.

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JUST FOR FUN…

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The story about the "Middle Wife" received from an
elementary school teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.
I have two children myself, but the best "birth
Story" I know is the one I saw in my own first-grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a child, I loves show-and-tell. So I
always have a few sessions with my students. It
helps them get over shyness and experience a little
public speaking. And it gives me a break and some
guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Children
bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of
fish they catch, stuff like that. I never, ever
place any boundaries or limitations on them. If
they want to lug it to school and talk about it,
they're welcome.

One day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing child takes her turn and waddles up to the
front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her
sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to
tell you about his first birthday. Mom and Dad
made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom's stomach and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow,
and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
camcorder with me. The children are watching her
in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Erica puts
a hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like a long
time, "Oh, oh oh" Now the child is doing this
hysterical duck walk; holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's
man. They got my mom to lie down in bed like this.

Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then pop! My mom had this bag of water
she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it
just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!"

This child is sitting on the floor with her
little hands miming water flowing away.

"The middle wife starts saying 'push, push,
and breathe, breathe.' They started counting,
but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my little brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff. They said it was from Mom's play-center,
so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for
him to do."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow
and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,
if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder,
just in case another Erica comes along.

~Author Unknown


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ENCOURAGEMENT

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Ruth went to her mail box and there as only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but hen she looked at it again.
There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She read the letter:

Dear Ruth,

I`m going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I'd like to stop by for a visit.

Love Always, Jesus

Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table. Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer."
With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinet. "Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner."

She reached for her purse and counted out its contents. Five dollars and forty cents. Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts at least.

She threw on her coat and hurried out the door.
A loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk... leaving Ruth with a grand total of twelve cents to last her until Monday. Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.

"Hey lady, can you help us, lady?"

Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of then dressed in little more than rags.

"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us. Lady, we'd really appreciate it.

Ruth looked at them both. They were dirty, they smelled bad and frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work it they really wanted to.

"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him.”

"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway." The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and headed back into the alley.
As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart.

"Sir, wait!" The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. Look, why don't you take this food. I'll figure out something else to serve my guest. She handed the man her grocery bag.

"Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"

"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering. You know I've got another coat at home. Here, why don't you take this one. Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders. Then smiling, she turned wand walked back to the street without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.

"Thank you lady! Thank you very much!"

Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him. She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.
"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day. She took the envelope out of the box and opened it.

Dear Ruth,

It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.

Love Always Jesus


The air was still cold, but even without her coat, Ruth no longer noticed.


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WIDOWER INFO IN THE NEWS

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A Widower Recounts the Loss of His Wife From Leukemia
~By Donna Engelgau

http://health.discovery.com/centers/mental/articles/qa/moore.html

(lease click on the link to read the entire story. It is gut-wrenching, but the last paragraph is worth the read.)


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NEWS WOMEN CAN USE

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Just for laughs.....

The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used
bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms
like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he
get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats
a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such
a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?

1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did and not me.


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BOOK REVIEWS

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(All of the following book information has been gathered through the Amazon.com website)

FOR HIM:

Message in a Bottle
by Nicholas Sparks

See it here at: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0446523569/qid=1101483346/sr=1-10/ref=sr_1_10/102-6373499-6718565?v=glance&s=books

~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

FOR YOU:

Stepmotherhood : How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked,Revised Edition
by CHERIE BURNS

See it here at: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0609807447/qid=1101483287/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/102-6373499-6718565


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Legal mumbo jumbo:

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You are receiving this newsletter because you have joined through AuthorsDen.com or someone has sent your e-mail address to the service. This newsletter is not meant as spam. To unsubscribe, please send a message to the address below.

Note from Julie: As always, please feel free to forward this newsletter to anyone you feel it may help, or share it with your widower.

I’m just an e-mail away! :)

J.D.A.