For Ken Curtis' birthday, which would be July 2nd...

Down there in Dodge City, a Haggen resides
In a shanty northwest of the creek.
His first name is Festus (the mule’s name is Ruth).
And he’s got this particular “speak.”

When talking to Dillon, the marshal of Dodge,
It’s usually “Matthew” or “Matt.”
And when he’s a problem to “study” and solve,
He turns to Miss Kitty to chat.

Of course he respects her—she’s “thoughty” and kind.
And “looksome” she is, don’tcha see.
He “swallers” a beer at the Long Branch Saloon,
Though often he has two or three.

His friend the Comanche’s the blacksmith in town,
And “fullers” round Dodge know they’re friends.
With April the “ninny” he tries to be tough,
Though she knows that he only pretends.

His best friend in town is a “quackety quack,”
Galen Adams, known fondly as Doc.
“Golly bill,” that “old scudder” can insult and taunt.
Though he never would hurtfully mock.

Haggen though has a temper, it shows now and then,
Like a “red tailed ole’ badger” he’ll growl.
But mostly he’s ornery, shifty, carefree.
He’s a crooner, and boy can he howl.

You “stay in the buggy” he’s said once or twice,
When danger was lurking about.
And when he encounters a “blabberty mouth”
He tells ‘im to just “cut it out.”

In spite of the whiskers and hat full of dust
(and always a scarf at his nape),
He cleans up real perty, and dare you say not,
He’s on you “like ugly on a ape.”

A “pearl buttoned bangled” old billy he’d be
If he had a new suit in his poke.
A visit to Jonas for fancy new duds
would make Festus the stud of Gunsmoke!