Pontius Pilate’s Party

            “Over here. The sign-up is here. The rehearsal is later.”

            “Can’t you read? It’s Greek to you?! Of course, it’s Greek, it’s a Roman province after all. Oh, you read Aramaic. What? And you are one of the few to read Hebrew too? Well, la-dee-dah!

            So, you’re not a performer but a scholar? Oh, I see, you can perform as well. Hmm.”

            “Well, the sign says, ‘Pageant to Celebrate the Birthday of Pontius Pilate.’”

            “It means I’m putting on a show to honor the governator. You know, singing, dancing and some magic.”
            “So, have you been before an audience before? Good. Any problem with stage fright? No? Excellent. You’re a good looking, strapping lad…that’s a big plus.”

            “What? Do the Romans like strapping lads like the Greeks do? No, besides dressed in that tatty robe as that would probably discourage the Greeks.”

            “Okay, what experience do you have? Oration?!! You’re a speaker? They’re a shekel a dozen in these parts. Yes, prognostication is fine, long tradition and all that but I’m trying to entertain here. Can you make a prediction at the opening and have it fulfilled at the closing? That might work but any longer than a couple of hours and…well, the Romans! You catch my drift?”

            “Your name is Jesh, Josh…whatever. I think I can use…whose that? A friend of yours? Jeez, he’s a powerful, salt of the earth type. The Romans like to see guys like him. Bedrock of the empire and such.”

            “Let’s see…yes, you got muscles. Jeez, you’re hard as a rock. Do you bend iron bars or something? No? Fishing! What would I care about fishing? That’s not entertain…well, sure people have to eat. Oh, you what to be a caterer. What’s your name? Simon? Simon huh? Do you by chance do any interior decorating…Sighmon?”

            “Oh, don’t get in an uproar, Jason…whatever. How nice, a guy to lean on. Touching. But the name will have to go. Something more solid. I mean, look at the size of him. He needs a strong name. Something like Burt or Petros. No, Apollo is out – not good looking enough. Sorry Sighmon we can’t all be stars but remember that no part is small. So…you like Petros. Okay, Pete it is.”

            “Now Justin…whatever, if you can’t sing or dance how ‘bout some magic? The Romans and Greeks love magic. Especially the Greeks. You heard the one where Zeus changes into a swan to get a little nooky? Yeah, I know…it’s a riot.”

            “What Jenson…huh? Whatever. You don’t think a God can do that sort of thing? Jeez, man, have some imagination. You can’t keep a crowd in their seats if you don’t entertain them.”

            “What’s that about a ‘kingdom of heaven’? Hmmm, that’s a new one and quite imaginative. Not bad. A little dry for the Romans but the Greeks might like it though. But work on it on your own time okay.”

            Now about magic. We got this guy from India who makes a coiled rope stand on end…straight in the air…and he climbs up and down it. It’s amazing. It’s a miracle really. Can you do something like…is that another one of your friends? Jeez, he don’t look so good. You can smell him coming. That don’t bother you Jerry?...whatever.”

            “Hello there. I’m told your name is Lazarus. Fine. And what’s your specialty? Dying? Are you mad…oh., you’re a comic. Yeah, that’s real funny. As if the Romans haven’t seen a dead Jew before.”

            “Don’t interrupt Pete…oh, he comes BACK from the dead. That’s pretty good. But are you proposing to kill him in the opening and return him in the closing act? No? You mean to tell me he’s actually dead? I can see why you smell and look so bad Laz…but I don’t think it would work that well with the Romans. Save that one for the Greeks.”

            “Why? You seriously think the Romans and the governator want to see a Jew get up after being dead? Think again orator-boy. The Romans like people to stay…”

            “Weeeelll, hello THERE. My, you sure are cute. I love that outfit baby. It’s hot. Oh no, Jason…whatever, don’t go covering her…huh? She’s off work? You’re Mary I take it. Nice to meet you Mary…and when do you return to work? Hey, Justin…whatever, just making conversation, that’s all. You made all that money today? You can give it to me if you don’t want…oh, I see. You two are married. No? Then why give him your hard earned…oh, oh, I get it Jerry…whatever. Hey, you weren’t wearing a big colorful, floppy hat. Anyone coulda made that mistake…Mary…don’t go…be seeing ya.”

            “Huh? Oh , right, magic. You can turn water into wine? Nice, but the Romans don’t drink water and carry only wine. What else? You can walk on water. Hmm, that’s a good one but we’re in Jerusalem. Do you see any water here? You’ve given me an idea. Can you walk on wine? Never have? Think about it…without the sandals, of course. Couldn’t you work on it? I mean, how much different could it be from water, right?”

“So, you’ll work on it?  Good. Listen Janson…whatever, send that Mary around to negotiate a contract. I’m sure we can work something out for my, er, our mutual benefit.”

                                                THE END