This book is about the funny incidents I got myself into while serving in the British Army and It is published on condition that:
1. It is understood that the 30 year limit on the Official Secrets Act, though now expired, won’t prevent me having a fair trial in the Tower of London, and that I will be granted legal aid.
2. Ranby Psychiatric Hospital for the criminally insane will attribute the cause of my mental condition to time served in the Military Forces.
3. The Tabloids won’t be leaking advanced copies sold to them by a clerk at Depot Headquarters.
4. A well known author will write a best seller out of my experiences and we’ll share the profits of book and film rights.
5. My mates are only jesting when they say, “You’ll hear from my solicitors first thing in the morning.”
In the telling, many details are left out or taken for granted. The tales themselves are honed on the storytellers’ stone to suit the audience.
Items or events are deleted or added to enhance the tale in its best light. In reality, after many recitations by others and me, the truth is often a million miles away from the actual facts.
LIST OF MILITARY RANKS
GENERAL: Leaps over skyscrapers in a single bound. More powerful than an express train. Faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives counsel to God.
COLONEL: Leaps lesser buildings in a single bound. More powerful than a shunting engine. As fast as a speeding bullet. Sometimes walks on water. Talks to God.
LIEUTENANT COLONEL: Leaps lesser buildings, given a good run up and a favourable wind. Has the same pushing power as a shunting engine. Can fire a gun, but not necessarily hit the target. Totters on water. Talks to God occasionally.
MAJOR: Barely clears the height of a bivvy tent. Is often run over by a shunting engine. Can handle a gun and hit the target, but only at the edges. Swims well. Sometimes pleases God.
QUARTERMASTER: Provides the bricks for buildings. Places demands for various trains. Supplies both guns and bullets. Can do the dog paddle. Will supply God with crystal balls if necessary.
CAPTAIN: Collapses on bivvy tent when attempting to jump it. Recognises trains. Is never issued with live ammunition. Can float in a life jacket. Talks to brick walls.
LIEUTENANT: Runs into brick walls. Can use a train set. Owns his own cap gun. Sinks without swimming. Mutters to himself.
2nd LIEUTENANT: Falls over doorstep when entering building. Says “Oooh, look at the choo choo.” Wets himself while playing with his water pistol. Can stand in the shallow end. Talks to plants.
REGIMENTAL SERGEANT MAJOR: Lifts multi-storey buildings and walks under them. Kicks all types of engines off their tracks. Catches bullets in his teeth. Freezes water at a single glance. Talks to no one.
HE IS GOD!
MY TIME IN THE ARMY
Endorsement has not been received or sought from the people mentioned in these anecdotes. I enjoyed my time in the army, which lasted from November 1956 to June 1981.
There were bad times and good times. I’m glad to say that the good outweighed the bad. The good times stay with you and, thankfully, the bad fade into antiquity.
I have met many brave and outstanding people in my time; they performed their duty for Queen and Country in true military fashion. The surprising thing was that these outstanding men were the bane of the depot drill sergeant’s life. They had two left feet, couldn’t swing their arms and, once dressed in uniform; they resembled a sack of potatoes tied around the middle with string.
One soon learnt that the old saying ‘Never judge a book by its cover’ couldn’t be more apt.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT
Alexander the Great was only 16 when, in 340BC, he joined the Army and became ruler of Macedonia. He liquidated all his rivals, consolidated his political power in Greece, then set out raping, plundering, and pillaging until he had conquered the whole of Asia Minor. He then put down a major riot in Egypt and returned home at the head of an Army of over two and a half million, just in time to celebrate his 20th birthday and be crowned King.
I was one year older than Alexander when I began my Army Career in the Royal Artillery. I transferred to the Medical Corps in January 1962.
The Royal Army Medical Corps is the butt of most jokes in the forces - especially from the Regiments who think that to be a medic is to be a sissy.
In battle situations when a man is injured, his voice will carry high above the noise of shot and shell. The one word he shouts is, “MEDIC!” It is then realised that the medic is not such a sissy after all.
To all medics, I say: “Keep your head down, look after yourself, and keep making those house calls on the field of battle.”
Jack Brennan is hired by a group of ultra rich English aristocrats to kidnap four top IRA terrorists. The contract is time limited but do the financial rewards justify the risk?
Jason Chase, a man filled with personal demons, only wanted to finish his manuscript. But all his carefully laid plans disappear when a stranger showed up at his front door claiming to be his long-lost father.
