I don't know what the hell this is supposed to be a part of yet but it's supposed to be a Dark Comedy...but I'm pretty sure it fits into Maggie's story somehow. There might be some changes to Margret's initial development.

Also, any likeness to real persons, no matter how obvious they may seem, are purely coincidental. That's why this is called fiction.

Margret in Progress: Episode: Maybe It Is, Maybe It Isnt

I don't anything about this stuff. Love, sex, whatever is people do/have now. So I feel a little weird talking about it it, namely because I don't know anything about it. I mean, I know I'm almost 30, but with what kids know now days, the average grade-schooler probably knows more about these things than I do. And I don't really like feeling adrift. I've never gotten sea-sick on a boat, but I a may just get it on dry land.

Me? I know books. I know what I read and I know what I watch. Then sometimes, when I'm around people I observe them and how they act and react to one another. Almost like I'm an outsider. Not one of them. And in at least one sense, I'm not. That Sesame Street song "One of These Things is not Like the Others, One of These Things Doesn't Belong"? It was right. I don't know how to fit. But you know what they say. "Fake it 'til you make it."

The thing is, I'm not sure I grasp the difference between fitting in and blending in. Sometimes I think I'm starting to understand things, but then at the same time it feels like I might just be learning to act better (though I'm not sure yet who I'm fooling more: everyone else or myself.) Is that how things are supposed to feel? I just don't know. I honestly don't know, and it pisses me of off to high hell because I hate not UNDERSTANDING. And I don't know if I ever will. If the last 3 decades of research have anything to say, well let's just say it yielded far less than I would have liked.

You see, the last 14 years I spent in a relationship with a guy who was bat-shit crazy. Now, I'm nuts too. I have papers (like a show dog?) to show for it. I can even access them online now if you don't believe me. But I'm the kind of unbalanced (now) that at least knows they're unbalanced and try their damndest not to lose it. To most people we probably just look sad and lazy, but the complexities that go into living just one average day can be mind boggling. If a day came at you the way they come at me, I assure you it would take you down just the same way it used to, and sometimes still does, get me.

Stasis, like in anything really, is the key. But some people are either oblivious, in denial, or both, and the word "stasis" is just a word in their vocabulary, but not their reality. They may recognize it as a vauge notion but fail to grasp the operational principals, not to say that at times they aren't highly operational and functional. So as you can see, I've effectively lived in a bubble for 12 years.

Functional. Now there's a word that always gives me pause when I use it. Its too ambiguous. We're all technically functional at any given time unless we're dead. But the real question is whether is, is it done well, poorly, or just curiously?

Also, mind the subtle but profound nuance between the words "crazy" and "unbalanced" or this conversation is over.

So, now I'm out of that whatever it was the last few years. I'm moving back home halfway across the country and apparently I have a lot about life to learn. To bad you can't google this stuff or take remedial classes because I am seriously behind on this shit. And that's what this really is: shit. You know, if it weren't for the whole catholothism thing, sometimes I even think being a nun woudln't be so bad. But then I remember they're not really open to piercings and tattoos and I scrap the whole idea.

The reason I mention the nun thing is because it seems kind of like the military with less testosterone. People telling you what to do and when taking the guess work out of life. And as much as I could NOT live like that, basic social protocol often stymies me. If people behave toward me in a way I don't understand (though it may seem a perfectly natural interaction between any other 2 people), or ask me a question beyond my scope of social understanding (again mostly aquired through media and field observation), I don't know what to do. I think this is likely why so many people consider me shy (if we're being nice). In actuality, I'm not just standing there like an idiot who's lost the ability of speech. I'm standing there like an idiot having a heated debate with myself that goes a little something like this:
"Do I just play along?"
"No dude, just say 'I don't know.'"
"Yeah, but which part don't I understand now? The situation or how to react to it?
"I think both now..."

The conversation in my head doesn't usually last much longer than that, though, before people start to wonder what's wrong with you.

And so I embark on a new chapter in my life. Or episode if you're of the more non-linear bent. I feel kind of like someone took me to the woods for some survival exercise and left me with only 3 matches in the rain, but what can you do? Live it I guess. And that's one more thing I guess has changed. A few years ago "living it" would have been the exact opposite notion in my mind for my future, so I guess people can change, even if its only a little bit at a time.