Name: Little John
Place of birth: Bognor Regis
Life ambition: Little John wanted to write as a baby, and used crawl around the sand writing with his left foot until it ached, and then he would use his fingers. When he got home he would write on his little blackboard with his chalk. His mummy was overjoyed and determined that her Little John would be the best writer in the world.
Schooling: As he got older he had dictionaries for breakfast, dinner and tea, and never went out. He didn't play with other children, as they were nasty and noisy, and in school he was the best boy in the class and was the teacher's pet. She adored him and he adored her, but the other stupid children hated him, as he was the favourite and was always grassing them up.
Employment: Little John was now a Big John and got the job of his dreams working in the local library, where he excelled. It was Heaven. He read everything from wall to wall and often stayed overnight sleeping on the shelves.
He read every road sign on his way to work, and sent his CV to the local Council for help with his unlimited talent. They were stunned and knew they had found a prize. They pulled out all the plugs and showered him with grants, training schemes and a choice of the best universities in the land. The Samaritans and other charitable institutions rushed to his aid, wanting to and become part of this future legend.
The book: Big John wrote a minimum 20,000 words a night until one evening he collapsed, and fell off the stool banging his head on the floor. After the accident he got better and better, and was hitting 50,000 words per night. At last he reached his goal and the Council got him a deranged publisher.
Title of book: 'The Story of Little John in the Sand' by Big John Anorak
When he saw his work on display in the local shop he trembled and shook with emotion - unaware that he was having his first orgasm - and decided to start book two immediately.
Fifteen minutes later he was hit by a school bus, when he was writing furiously while crossing the road, as he forgot to read the stop sign on the traffic light. Mercifully he went to his grave unaware that his books remained in the stores and were eventually offered free with every bottle of coca cola.
