It is believed by some that at the moment of death our lives pass before us and the spirits of our loved ones come for us, leading us through a tunnel of light to the other side. For Anna, living the end of her days with Alzheimer's disease, she is doing that. But it is not in a single moment. She has been given the time to accept the transition and to celebrate it.
Dear Susan,
I know you are grieving. Already, the memory of our last moment together is fading so that you doubt you were really with me on the shore where I left. You smelled the sea and touched the sands but it was while you slept. Yes, the dream was real but, as a dream, you are so willing to dismiss it. Believe in your fears and you will be haunted. However, if you believe in yourself, you are ready to hear my story.
I am the soul that grew and thrived as your mother, Anna Metz Segal. You observed how I struggled with my fading consciousness when the time came to leave. I was afraid, requiring assistance and guidance. It was similar to the way I had tossed and turned at nights, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. Again, as in childhood, I could call to those who loved me to come, to chase away the shadows. And they came, not consoling me that the shadows weren’t there, but assuring me I was safe.
Awaking in the present as Anna, I'd often be troubled and confused. The separation of body and soul was already in progress and I often didn't recognize my surroundings or those around me. I was groggy and needed to return to the visions and spirits that so compelled me. They helped me understand that it was I who must give up Anna. But I couldn’t. I held onto her like a child clings to a favorite toy.
The doctors labeled my condition Alzheimer’s disease. How frightening that sounded to you because you didn't know what I was going through. In the fog of an alien present, the ability to communicate only further jumbled my reality, so that I couldn’t explain. I was living in the past, experiencing it as the present. While your present had already ceased to exist for me. The present became the past and the past the present. Time had warped. Truly, I became a ghost of myself.
Now, as we meet again, only within the dream, I will try to share this with you. It is my hope you may understand better what I went through. Often I was afraid but most of the time I understood that the visions were carrying me forward. It is not my intention to relieve your fears. Fear is in the body. It heightens our senses, puts us on alert and can protect us. But we mustn’t cling to our fears then we become paralyzed so that we refuse to see or hear.
Imagine that you've taken a journey. You take a wrong turn and become lost. Within a few minutes you realize that there is no obvious route that will take you back and you panic. The environment looks alien and hostile. Alzheimer’s is such an environment to you. I have traveled in a direction you need not be going. My journey is one you need not take. My road is shrouded in fog so that it seems I travel blind. Be patient and at times you will see the fog lift.
It is my desire to come to you, as one who has loved and frightened you, to let you know that there is meaning in all life’s journeys. We are born with it and will die with it. Mine may have seemed to be a simple life from the outside but it was the life I required. Come with me as I return . . .
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Part Three in the Mu Series - Sarah Thompson reluctantly abandons her desperate search for her soul mate on Maui and returns to her Montana hometown. Her brother has had a terrible accident...
