Two satirical stories. One proposes that there is a second god besides Allah. The other story muses about what Allah would say if he were to comment on how his followers act about Him.
Updates on Allah, God of the Muslims
written by Putney Swope, September 2012, northern Thailand
All rights reserved. Ok to quote passages from this text,
but please give a modicum of credit to the messenger, Mr. Swope.
Adventure1 Publications
ISBN 9781879338142
Chapter 1 of 2
Allah Issues a Press Release
While mindlessly tooling around with my shortwave radio the other day, the dial cranked a bit farther to the right than it was mechanically designed to do. I picked up a faint signal of a voice which spoke with authority. It had a man's deep tone, somewhat weary from age. As soon as I could discern a few or his measured words, I clicked on the archaic cassette recorder which I keep nearby. Later, I transcribed the words – here's what the resonating voice said:
"Hello, hello, This is Allah. Can anybody hear me out there? Yes, it's Me, Allah, God of the Muslims. I've been trying to get a message down to Earth, but there's such a cacophony of noise and peoples' mind waves, that it's hard to get through to anyone. Although a lot of mullahs and Ayatollahs claim to speak for Me, they're just not getting it right. ….just not getting it 'from the camel's mouth,' if I may coin a phrase. Hello, is anyone picking this up? I hope I'm not just talking to this ancient microphone that some martyr brought up here. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a stone wall."
"How, you may ask, do I surmise that no one seems to be listening to Me? All I can do is judge from how people manifest down there on Earth. If they were listening more and shouting less, they wouldn't be making such messes, and getting so angry at the slightest things. Many claim to be speaking in My name. Perhaps that rang true in the old days, 1,400 years ago, when Arabs first started proclaiming Me as their God. At that time, I was very stern, judgmental, quick to anger and vengeance You could say that was my youthful period, when everything I observed was either one extreme or the other. No middle ground. In other words, you either believed in Me and exactly what I believed, or you were marked as a heretic. If you were a believer, and repeated solemn oaths to Me, then all was Ok for you. If you strayed, even a little bit, you were deemed lower than a dog and worthy of a painful and bloody retribution."
"But I've changed over the past 1,400 years. You could say I've mellowed out. I'm not the bloodthirsty, ever-vengeful, excruciatingly judgmental God that I used to be. Hello, can anyone hear Me out there? Ok, maybe no one is listening, but I'll go on talking in to the fiendish shortwave contraption, on the slim chance at least one person can jot this down and convey this message to others who may give a toss. Still, it feels odd, talking to a mechanical contraption without knowing whether anyone is listening."
"Instead of recommending death for all who stray from My strict message, I now advocate tolerance. Ok, I know, you can call me soft. I know this will anger some of my fiercest defenders, but they're the types who get angry so easily, about so many things - you'd think their skin is as thin as a sheet of wet toilet paper. With the risk of alienating some of my flock, I'm going to go on record, as of right now, as being a kind and compassionate God. No more fatwas. No more honor killings of any sort. If someone, whether a believer or non-believer strays from My message, it is now not OK to kill them, nor is it Ok to pay or incite others to kill such people. If a teenage girl contemplates kissing a boy before she is married, it is now not Ok to kill her. If a married woman is attracted to a man other than her husband, it now not Ok to stone her. If a someone steals something of value, it is Ok to verbally discipline that person or, if it's a dire offense, to lock that person up, but it is not Ok to sever his hand or arm."
"One of the things which annoys me the most is when hot-heads make trouble when defending My name. Though that may have had some credence in the past, I want to make it crystal clear that I don't need defenders any more. I am what I am. So even if someone says I'm something different, so what? A rose is a rose. If someone comes along and calls a rose a daisy, are you going to chop their head off? When hot-heads charge around defending my name and reputation, it winds up making the hot-heads' beliefs look insecure. If they were secure in their beliefs about Me and the religion, then they would, at most, scoff at any reference which didn't fit with their belief system.
As regards the incessant shouting of 'Allah Akbar' - are you doing that for my benefit? It may have massaged my ego in the old days, but at my age, I don't need my ego burnished. In fact, I'm a lot less egotistical than I used to be. So go ahead and keep shouting how great I am, if it pleases you to do so, but please don't think you're doing it for my benefit. Plus, it looks odd when my followers do it for all sorts of extreme reasons. You shout praises to Me when you're happy, ok I can get behind that, but you also shout it when you're blowing up innocents in busy markets, or young men who are lined up to be police cadets. Please don't shout my name when you're about to cause grievous harm. It's plain offensive bordering on sicko. Call out any other name, if you must, when you're getting excited about killing innocent people, but leave My name out of it. Ok, can we agree upon that? Frankly, I'm getting very tired of hearing 'Allah Akbar' a million times each day and night. It just doesn't impress Me or particularly endear Me to anyone who shouts it."
"If anything, it gets me to thinking the 'Allah Akbar' shouters are insecure about their beliefs. If you're riding a bicycle, do you shout 'This is a bicycle' every minute or so, as if to convince yourself and others that you are, indeed, riding a bicycle? No, I don't think you do that. Then why do you need to shout "Allah is Great' night and day? Is it to shore up a core belief that you're not secure about? You might as well shout 'Gravity is Great' or 'Gravity Akbar.' But you don't, because you know gravity is with us all the time, everywhere. You don't need to keep shouting about how great gravity is, in order for gravity to keep having an effect. Similarly, if you're secure in your beliefs about how great your chosen God is, then you would not have to constantly shout it. Who needs constant affirmations - Me, yourself, or others within earshot? I don't need to be reminded constantly that I'm great. I am what I am, and no amount of shouting is going to change that.
And this stuff about shooting guns in the air. Are you doing that for My benefit? I don't need guns being shot in the air. Plus, bullets fall back to earth, and can harm children and animals. Give it a break. Shoot bullets in to the sand, if you must shoot a gun. Just be careful you don't shoot yourself or someone else in the foot. It hurts."
"The French have a saying, 'Vive La Difference.' It means; not only let others be different, but you can even rejoice in those differences. Rejoice, as you would if observing an African dance troupe, or an Asian dragon dance, or a New Orleans jazz band at the closing of a funeral. So, to sum up; I am no longer a strict disciplinarian. I don't judge people like I did when I was younger, and felt a need for everyone to believe in exactly what I said, or else suffer pain and death. I am no longer a vengeful God, and neither am I continually vindictive. I don't have an enemies list. 'Let bygones be bygones' is one of my new mantras. And be wary of scoundrels like Ayatollah Khomeini who crop up once in awhile and claim to speak for Me. The nicest thing I can say about him is he's a nutcase. It's a shame so many of My followers look up to him as My spokesman."
"This idea that I must be feared is archaic. I don't want to be feared any more. In ancient times, that might have been necessary, but things are different now. I don't want My followers to feel they have to adhere to this religion out of fear. Indeed, if they want to stray or figure things out independently, that's Ok. Also, from now on, there will be no harsh repercussions laid upon anyone who chooses to leave the Islam belief system. In the old days, there was perhaps a need to force people to believe in My belief system by threatening evil consequences for any who strayed. It's different now. I don't have my ego wrapped around having as large a multitude of followers as possible. Similarly, I am not paranoid about western countries and Christians as I used to be. Admittedly, there was a protracted period when Crusaders came thundering eastward from Europe to cause trouble in the name of their God, but those days are long gone. We won that war, didn't we? We were able to retain our lands and propagate like rabbits, even though there have been territorial and moral hassles ever since. But that's what humans do. Even in the best of times, they hassle about territory and moral guidelines."
"There are ongoing hassles between Shiites and Sunnis. Muslims from both sides keep beseeching me to make a call on that issue. I don't even understand what the issue is, really. I've heard it's something to do with some descendents of my Prophet, the Big M, but it's all a tempest in a teacup to me. I can't see why it's a big deal, except that the animosity and killings that go on between the two groups is aggravating. It's like having a family dinner, and half the party is throwing pots and pans at the other half, and vice versa. And all this stuff I hear about Israel. Give me a break. My hard line followers keep insisting I hate the Jewish people. Where's that at? I don't get enmeshed with political issues. Please, don't evoke my name when calling for hatred for groups of people. If you were to take tissue samples from 1,000 Jews and 1,000 Arabs, and put them under a microscope. There's not a lab scientist in the world who could tell which sample was from a Jew and which from an Arab. They're the same people from the same stock. They're as different as apples in a one-variety apple orchard. The only differences I can see are some variations in their religious texts. Even the two religions are similar in many ways. Ironically, radical Jews resemble radical Muslims, and moderate Jews resemble moderate Muslims in more ways than the radicals care to admit."
"Instead of seeing Islam as the only true way, I now see truth in many religions, even in those of your species who claim to have no religion. Indeed, having no religion can be the most liberating mind-set, because it opens each person up for finding truth via their own experiences and inner guidance. And what's this fixation with 'offending religion'? First off: How can Islam or any religion get offended? Religion is a thing, not a person. How can a thing get offended? Can a fence post get offended? Taking offense requires a brain and an ego - religion has neither. Now, if the problem of getting offended rests among the people who 'defend' Me, then it's more understandable, because those are people, and people can get offended easily. Indeed, of all creatures great and small, people are the only species capable of getting offended. You can quote me on that. You can shout abuse at a dog all day, and it might get annoyed or angry at the loud antics, but it won't get offended. So, let's call it as it is. Whereas religion is incapable of being offended, the upholders of that belief system are susceptible to being offended. Indeed, the reason they're so thin-skinned may be the result of them being insecure about their belief system. If being so easily offended is annoying to such folks, then I suggest they find ways to avoid being offended. Perhaps if they dropped their Islamic belief system, which appears to plague them with doubts and insecurities, then they could feel more self-assured and a lot less doubt-prone. By doing so, they would feel better about themselves, and wouldn't be so quick to chastise others who don't agree with them."
"Back in the old days, when Mohamed was leading raiding parties out in the desert around Medina, people needed a strong personality to admonish them to follow. Many people still need that sort of compelling personage. Yet, I've noticed, when looking down upon contemporary earthlings, that there are an increasing number who are brave and innovative enough to make philosophical decisions on their own. Granted, people are a social species, and as such are not much different than wolves, in that they need an alpha male to look up to and to give them direction on how to think. Men like Mohamed, Jesus, Moses, The Buddha, and Krishna were, among other things, like alpha males whose ideas were followed by packs. Their respective packs of people had an innate need to follow their chosen leader. And, along with their animal nature, are compelled to look at alternative belief systems as wrong or evil."
"Each one of those religious leaders had to figure things out for himself, though each probably had one or more gurus of their own. However, it's not necessary for everyone to 're-invent the wheel', so having teachers and guides is often useful in the quest to find what's real. As for Muslim faithful: You can keep calling me Allah, and pray several times each day to Mecca, and that's fine. If it gets you to feeling fulfilled and righteous, so much the better. Just know that I'm a mellower God and, the older I get, the more I lean to science and nature. Strict fundamentalism, including sharia law, are fading from my interest. There's too much harm being done in My name. I'm rather sickened by the pain and bloodshed I see on the planet. So don't go and harm anyone in My name any more. Indeed, don't harm any living things, not even the Earth itself, whether or not you believe mountains, rivers and oceans are living entities."
There Is Another God Besides Allah. Gertrude Be Praised!
There is but One God, Allah (lā ilāha illa-llāh) ...probably the most uttered phrase, among Muslims, after “Allah Akbar” meaning: 'Allah is great” This just in: There is actually another God. Her name is Gertrude and she lives in the same neighborhood as Allah.
The reason Allah is very popular and Gertrude is unknown, is because Allah is so concerned with being popular, and hogs all the limelight.
There are other differences: Whereas Allah insists that absolutely everything He utters is absolute truth, Gertrude is a bit wishy-washy at times. Because of his giant ego, Allah can not stand the slightest slight. He is very easily offended, so implores his multitude of followers to vehemently stick up for him at the slightest indignity. Even a mention of his name by a person who is not one of his followers is considered offensive. Gertrude, on the other hand, does not get offended. Because she doesn't have her ego wrapped around her self-image, there is nothing about her which could be vulnerable to offense. You can call her names, you can slander her relatives, her country, the color of her skin, her plumpness, her less-than-beautiful features, and it wouldn't offend her. However, on topics which don't affect her self-image, she might get a bit ruffled. Issues such as abuse of other people or trashing nature, animals or plants would trouble her, but it wouldn't offend her personally.
Another difference between the two Gods is; Allah is an extreme disciplinarian. He insists that everything happen according to his dictates. His punishments are severe. There is no middle ground. If you do even a slight thing which is against his rules, He and/or his followers will come down like a ton of bricks. The cruel punishments that have been carried out in His name are endless. Not even children are spared. A young boy who is caught stealing can have his hand severed. A girl who kisses a boy before she is married can be killed with a knife, sometimes by her own father. There is no amount of blood revenge which is too cruel for Allah.
Gertrude is different in that regard. She isn't disciplinarian. Indeed, she allows people to make mistakes. Punishments for petty transgressions come in the form of reprimands. However, particularly grave offenses, like rape or murder, are dealt with seriously, sometimes even with death for the perpetrator - particularly if it's a repeat offense.
Allah approves of 'fatwas' which, among other things, are death warrants for those who have derided, offended, or not shown sufficient reverence for Him. Gertrude doesn't believe in fatwas or their issuance.
Allah seems to have an unlimited number of virgins at his disposal. Every time a Muslim man dies, that person is claimed to be a martyr, and thus goes to Martyrs' Heaven, which is an idyllic garden with unlimited fruit available, and flowers in bloom. The best part, is the 76 doe-eyed virgin beauties available for each martyr. So if 100 martyrs die from a market bombing one day, assuredly, 7,600 virgin girls will be on hand. How does a martyr get so many, and how can he be assured they're all so willing to sexually service every Muslim man that dies? Some might call that a free brothel, but that would offend Allah (but nearly everything offends Allah). It is assumed all the virgins are willing sex partners. Yet after they submit to the martyr's lust, they're no longer virgins. It's not known what sorts of carnal delights await women or gay men who die as martyrs, though if you were to ask an Iranian President, he would say there are no homosexuality there, so that settles it for Iran, anyway.
Gertrude doesn't promise any virgins to people who die, whether for sexual or other services. Indeed, she doesn't promise anything, concerning what happens after death. She admits she doesn't know for sure, but assumes everyone decomposes and reverts to organic molecules like everything else that dies. Those molecules wind up feeding organisms of all types. If you were to ask her, she'd say we all revert to compost. This sort of thinking offends Allah, because He and other Gods, such as the God of the Christians and the God of the Hebrews, believe that people are profoundly different than animals. Gods don't seem to grasp the concept that people are animals and are similar to other species in myriad ways. We share the same physiology. Even the smallest worms have blood which beats through their bodies via a pumping heart. Plants, fungi, bacteria and people share many of the same chromosomes and genes. If it's demeaning for some people to think they're animals, and nearly identical to scores of other species, then tough tamales. Within each person, even the most dazzling super model or the most anal-retentive and vindictive Imam, reside billions of bacteria and fungi of all sorts. Any person who doesn't host billions of e-coli and all manner of strange organisms, would be as lifeless as a piece of Plexiglas.
Gertrude has developed an objective perspective on the human species. She can see them as they are, not as they wish they were. She has concluded that there are only two traits which distinguishes humans from other species, and both traits are of questionable uniqueness. One, is their uncanny ability at being crafty. They use parts of their large brains to think complicated thoughts. There are mathematicians and savants who can recall and/or compute to amazing degrees. Theorists in other disciplines, like astronomy or mechanics, have been known to think in similarly impressive ways. There are musicians, who can project amazing combinations of sounds. Gertrude will tell you, that upon examining adept musician's brains, she's found they are the only specialists who have intense connections between the two lobes. No other profession can claim the same physiological oddity in such profusion.
The other distinguishing attribute which appears to be unique to the human species, is their ability to become spiritually enlightened. Gertrude suspects some other species may have such abilities, to some extent, but it's clear humans have it. Yet, even with this interesting potential, few humans know they have it. Of those who suspect they have the ability to become spiritually enlightened, only a relative few pursue it. Of those few who pursue it, fewer still attain it. One of the Hindu deities, Krishna, put it elegantly. While indirectly referring to himself as the embodiment of spiritual enlightenments, he said, "Of every thousand people, one will seek me. Of every thousand who seek me, one will find me." One in a thousand thousand is a million.
Gertrude has elucidated the crowning two traits of the human species, both of which are potentials. In other words, both of those attainments need to be achieved. They don't come of their own. As a comparison, eagles are hatched and have the potential to fly. If they survive to fledgling stage, there's a nearly 100% chance that they will hop out of the nest and eventually soar on updrafts. In contrast, the ratio of people who becoming great innovators, musicians or enlightened beings, is small. Gertrude might say it's close to one percent of the population in progressive populations, and closer to a tenth of one percent within populations which stifle creativity.
Gertrude may also point out that, from all other perspectives, humans fall behind other species. The list of physical shortcomings, alone, could fill a book. Humans are not the strongest, the fleetest, the biggest, quickest witted, the most agile, or by any means the toughest of species. Beyond that, there are species which can migrate by tuning in to the earth's magnetic pulses, there are species which can use echo-location, others which are sensitive to minute electrical impulses, and species which can hibernate at 17 year intervals, to name a few. Gertrude, with her view spanning all species, can't help but grin when she sees the frailty of humans and how they continually need to convince themselves that they are divorced from the animal kingdom, being somehow superior to all others species.
The drawbacks to having such complicated thinking capabilities is immense. Gertrude is saddened when she sees how humans suffer more than any other species, and much of that suffering is self-afflicted. Mental illness is unique to the human species. Hand in hand with that illness are the harmful acts which manifest from the myriad types of mental problems which only humans are afflicted with. Gertrude shirks from the odd notion, proclaimed by many, that; that 'Man is Made in the Image of God.' That may be a tiny bit true when looked at in the perspective of people having the ability to become spiritual enlightened, but that's a thin connection to bolster such a widely touted belief.
If one were to take that saying literally, then 'The Image of God' is a sorry condition. Mankind has the sad distinction of being the most cruel of species. Granted, there are a host of species which devour other species for food, but no other species deliberately harasses their own, and other species, as much as humans. A cat will tease a mouse, or an orca will play with a seal, and in each case, they will probably kill and eat their plaything. Yet, there is no comparison to the mental torment meted out by humans to others of their kind, and to other species in general. Mankind is also a cunning hunter, and holds the dubious distinction of permanently decimating the greatest number of other species. Just one example: When humans first crossed the land bridge between Asia and North America, they encountered large beasts they had never seen before. There were saber toothed lions, and the largest and most ferocious bears even known. There were immense herds of bison, wild horses and giant sloths. There were also woolly mammoths. Each of those families of great beasts had survived for hundreds of thousands of years and multiple cycles of climate change switching between freezing cold and moderate. Yet within a few hundred years of the time when humans first appeared on the scene, all those animals were extinct from over-hunting.
Gertrude alternately grins or groans when she hears Allah's referred to as "the Compassionate" (al-ra īm) or "the Merciful" (ar-ra mān) by his worshipers. Perhaps Allah is compassionate sometimes or even merciful, but it's rare to see that in evidence, when there are a thousand stories each day of His followers being the opposite of compassionate or merciful - towards others. Often those 'others' are innocents, fellow Muslims, or anyone who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when his worshipers decide to detonate a bomb in His name. Whenever that bomb is thrown or ignited, it's certain that someone will shout out 'Allah Akbar' (God is Great).
Gertrude is tired of hearing 'God is great' (Allah Akbar). It's shouted millions of times each day. Muslims will shout 'God is great' for any and all events, whether they be good or bad. It's shouted so often, for so many occurrences (tossing a grenade, seeing a newborn child, winning the lottery, blowing up a building full of people) that Gertrude has resigned herself to accepting that it's nothing more than an exclamation, like the heathens' 'Good God' or 'Heavens' or 'Wow.' Indeed, 'Allah Akbar' is shouted so often, that it has become devoid of significance. It would be as if a group of people felt compelled to shout, "Air is for breathing' a thousand times a day in public places. The average person, after hearing that a few hundred thousand times, would either get annoyed, or become inured to hearing it.
If Gertrude had a big ego, like Allah, she might get flattered whenever someone exclaims 'God is Great.' But alas, she doesn't get a thrill from compliments, so it's not a charge for her when someone or a crowd screams 'God is Great. Plus, she knows it's not for her benefit, because those people don't even know of Her as a God. To her, that's just as well.
Gertrude has true compassion and love. Not the poster-boy version. She won't be quick to judge people, with all their flaws, and seek misery and death for whomsoever doesn't agree with her ideas. She lets people be who they want to be, as long as they don't harm others or plants or animals or otherwise despoil the environment, like one of Allah's great followers did when he torched all the oil wells in Kuwait. For those who cause harm to people or nature, she starts out with dialog, beseeching them to gain an appreciation for nature. If that doesn't work, she might take harsher measures, because sometimes people don't do the right thing just from hearing true words.
Allah may possibly believe in higher consciousness, but if so, it could only apply to his followers. Because anyone who doesn't see exactly eye to eye with Him is considered flat out wrong. In contrast, Gertrude not only believes in higher consciousness, she believes that everyone has the potential to attain it. It matters not whether that person is Muslim or even whether they subscribe to any religion at all. Indeed, a lack of religion can be liberating, for the types of people who are developed to the extent of not needing to have their lives hemmed in by a rigid belief system. Allah, on the other hand, looks harshly on anyone who does not believe in Him. For Allah, there is only one belief system, and to even consider an alternative, is heathen and therefore brands the non-believer as 'an infidel' - and lower than a dog.
Allah purports to like women, but judging by the ways his followers manifest, they treat women worse than pet dogs. A dog might be allowed to go outside and see the neighborhood, but a woman is kept cloistered by a man. He owns her, and would come down harshly if she wanted to experience a bit of freedom outside her confines. This is particularly annoying to Gertrude, who believes that women can be equal with men. She doesn't think that women are dirtier, as Allah thinks, and she doesn't think they're less intelligent. If a woman has a nice shape and/or nice features, Gertrude figures that woman should be able to stroll to the market and feel good about herself. On the other hand, Allah wants all women, particularly those who are attractive, to wrap black cloths around themselves and, unless they absolutely have to go the market, to stay home and away from any man's sight, other than her husband's. Any lust a man feels toward a woman, according to Allah and his followers, must have been sparked by the loose morals of the women herself. Therefore, if there is any punishment for a man's lustfulness, it should be directed towards the woman, no questions asked.
As for rape. Allah sides with the men. If one or a group of men rape a woman, they can get away with it, as long as there are not a prescribed number of men who formally attest to the crime. Without male witnesses who are willing to testify, the rape is allowed and goes unpunished. One of Allah's most popular fans was the Ayatollah Khomeini from Iran. The Ayatollah was famous for interpreting the teachings of Allah. Much of his writings were fixated on human bodily fluids, including blood, sweat, and semen. Like all Muslim men, he considered women dirty, particularly when they were menstruating. The Ayatollah also allowed rape of children if the rapist's penis didn't penetrate beyond its 'crown.' Would anyone reading this have allowed the Ayotollah to be the headmaster of a childrens' school, let alone the overlord of a nation?
We could exclaim; 'Gertrude Akbar!' ...but she wouldn't want such exclamations of praise. She'd rather you appreciate what you can, about her example and teachings, and go about your life harming as few people and other species as possible. She would also not want you to get your ego wrapped around your self-image as the other God and his followers do. If you do that, then, like Allah, you'll get offended deeply and often. By getting so profoundly offended, you'll then get angry, then vengeful, then vindictive, and all sorts of misery will ensue. Gertrude is not about misery. She's about accepting others, with all their flaws, and hoping we can become better people, .....maybe even spiritually enlightened. And she's also about caring about the environment, and planting trees. She believes the best thing a person can do for the environmental health of the planet, is have less children.
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written by Putney Swope.
Adventure1 Publications
ISBN 9781879338142
All rights reserved. Ok to quote passages from this text, but please give a modicum of credit to the messenger, Mr. Swope.
comments can be sent to dathailand .t hotmail.com
A nice “tongue-in-cheek” look at the fallacies of the Muslim religion. I'd like to see what Mr. Swope writes about Christianity. How about God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost having an argument about how to run the church on earth.
Finally! Understand and learn from the New Testament Book of Mark.
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A collection of 109 tract type messages, that are geared to anyone that has ever asked the question "What does the bible have to say about specific subjects that are not usually addressed in Church sermons??"
These messages deal with all fa
A collection of 109 tract type messages, that are geared to anyone that has ever asked the question "What does the bible have to say about specific subjects that are not usually addressed in Church sermons??"
These messages deal with all fa