I haven't had a decent good night's sleep in over two weeks.  It's starting to catch up with me.

There's too much going on in my life.  The possibility of my wife leaving me because she says "the love died in our marriage."  She's been cheating behind my back.  The demands of taking care of a sick child (our daughter has SMA, or spinal muscular atrophy).  She's gotten so weak she needs a wheelchair and has to use oxygen at night.  The demands of visiting a cantankerous mother, who is currently in a nursing home because of increased dementia (she has Alzheimer's disease).  The possiblity of losing my job because the company I work for is "downsizing".

Guess you can say things are not going well for me at all.

I try to sleep, but I think of what is going on, and I'm up again, just hours after I go to bed.  It's no wonder I'm exhausted.

My wife says she is concerned, but is she really?  Why would she when she has been seeing another man behind my back?  Does she think that another man can make her happy?  Is it because of the medcial needs of our daughter?  I personally think she doesn't want to have anything to do with Emily because she's been the one to stay home and take care of her, and it's driven her (and myself) near the breaking point.

I'm also having to worry if I'll have a job tomorrow.  Every day, I go in, I wonder if this will be the day I lose it.  The comany I am employed with is cutting costs; that includes layoffs.  I have worked there for over 15 years.  Seems they want to get rid of their experienced help and hire people with little (or even no) experience.  Jobs are being eliminated or outsourced.  

Then you have my mother.  Until a few months ago, she could function fairly well on her own; then her Alzheimer's got to the point to where she can't remember how to do things or where she is half of the time.  We moved her in with us, but she and my wife couldn't get along, so my wife made the decision (behind my back) to have Mother placed into a nursing home.  She didn't even discuss it with me.  Maybe it was because she was dealing with her on top of taking care of Emily and things came to a head.

In other words, the shit hit the fan.

I have tried everything possible under the sun to get some sleep: reading a book.  Drinking a glass of warm tea or milk laced with honey before bed.  Listening to soft, relaxing music or relaxation tapes.  Taking sleep aides to induce sleep.  Looking at the stars or listening to the rain pattering on the windows and roof when a rainstorm comes rolling through.  Watching the lightning flashing, hearing the roll of thunder aftterwards.  Nothing seems to work: I'm as wide awake at three a.m. as I am at three p.m. 

If I am lucky, I maybe get four hours of sleep per night.

It's been like this for the past several weeks, and I am getting desperate for relief.  My health and my job performance have taken a nose dive; I'm not the same person I was before all these worries accumulated in my mind. 

If I don't get relief soon, I just might end up doing something drastic, just to put myself out of my misery.  Life has gotta be better than this ....