The cold, that was the first thing I remembered, laying on the damp ground, the moisture seeping through my torn and bloodied clothing making me shiver violently with the cold. Suddenly he was there, wrapping me in a warm cloak and carrying me to safety and warmth. A stranger, much older and worn, and yet he seemed familiar. I sensed something in him then, as he carried me through the woods, an emptiness that made me want to reach out and fill it, but at the same time made me want to curl deep within myself to avoid the same happening to me. He took me to an inn and sat me on the steps, he
stood there and looked at me for a long time, I could see the struggle in his eyes as they rested on me. Suddenly I looked into his eyes, they burned with his determination and it seemed he willed me to believe his next words, “Fear not sister, for some day I shall return.”
It would be five years before I saw my brother again. Five years in which I grew into my powers of magery and seduction, and learned that I had a fate that was to be tied with
my brothers, one in which I still try desperately to escape. I was living in a happy rambunctious home, my father was one of the most powerful men I knew. He taught me much of humans, and in the beginning, I believed myself to be a human. I had no
memories of before my brother, and each time I thought of them, I would feel a darkness pull at my soul, and so, I didn’t think of them, I locked them deep inside, where they could not hurt me or anyone else. I thought that would make me safe, protect me from the darkness within me. I was wrong. I found out how wrong three years after my brother had left me with Jorlyn, my human father. This is what I remember of the days in which my life changed, in which the fate of the world was laid at my feet...
Chapter 1
I was wondering the woods near our small keep, as I usually did to escape the boistrious house full of family, friends, and guild. The knowledge that I was different, that I was Drow, a dark elf, and not human often weighed on my soul when I was around humans. Humans and Drow never ran together, but my human family was different, even though they were aware of my heritage, aware of the dark blood that ran through my veins.
They still offered their love and trust, never once losing faith in my ability to defeat and hold back the darkness in my soul. And yet the secret doubts were always whispering to me that I’d be different, that I could never be a part of their world, the darkness in me I tried to hide kept me from fully enjoying what they freely offered. My long white hair, dark skin, and slightly pointed ears marked me as different and often would send strangers reaching for spell or sword. Yet my human family often hugged me, petting my hair, and tweaking the tips of my ears laughingly. And yet the secret doubts were always whispering to me that I’d
be different, that I could never be a part of their world, the darkness in me I tried to hide kept me from fully enjoying what they freely offered.
Though I always felt alone, I was not unhappy, the woods were my refuge, the darkness and damp under the thick canopy of leaves made me feel sheltered and safe, the earth beneath my bare feet sent tendrils of power that made me feel alive and free. It was always this way, as I hope it will always be. The memories that I have of laying in the soft dirt, my head cradled on moss, and my body, blanketed with leaves, bring me peace when nothing else can. I was laying in just such a way, daydreaming about gallant men and daring women. It was the season right before winter, when one could lay in the woods and
be neither cold nor hot, in which one felt as if the world existed only to please them. The sun through the leaves cast ever-changing shadows on the ground around me, lulling me
into relaxing my guard and losing myself in my thoughts and dreams.
Soon I forgot my father’s rule of never being out after nightfall, and lost in my daydream I did not notice the shadows grow darker or the woods grow quiet and still. I did not notice that is, until the hand touched my arm, jerking me out of my reverie and into reality. The fact that I had not been aware of another presence shamed me and I stammered out an apology as I jumped to my feet and backed away. My words stopped as
my eyes fell on the one that had interrupted me. She was beautiful, more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine. Her hair was the first that I noticed, it was long and so white
that it seemed to shine and shimmer like spun silver. It fell down to her waist, haloing her like a light behind her. She was slender, her waist narrow, with hips that flared, and long legs that seemed to go on forever. Her lips were full, sensuous, with the hint of cruelty in her slight smile. Her cheekbones were high, and her ears were pointed slightly, like my own. And her eyes, her eyes I will never forget until the day I die. They were like stars,
millions of stars in the blackness. She had no whites, only blackness with specks of light constantly moving. I was captivated, enthralled, and in that moment I would have followed
her anywhere. I took a step towards her, then another, and with each step her smile widened. When I was standing in front of her, she laid her hands on my shoulders and spoke, “My child, my beautiful daughter, I knew they could not hide you from me forever. I have found you at last, and now we will be together and fulfill the destiny of our people.”
My eyes widened at her mention of a daughter. I had a mother, a mother who was Drow, the perfect Drow, and she was beautiful, and she was mine. I was not alone anymore, she was here, and she said we’d be together. If I had known then what I know now, I would have run from her then, though it would have meant certain death.
For the next year we met there in the evenings, she taught me of magic, seduction, and powers that even other Drow did not possess. My first lover was a beautiful male Drow, a perfect specimen, her counterpart. He taught me of all the ways of lust, often with my mother standing in the shadows. I learned the first rule of Drow then when I asked, “what of love?”.
My mother and lover both recoiled as if I had struck them. My mother seemed to float closer to me, and when she was so near her breath fanned my face she screamed, “Love?! what is love when lust is more powerful. Love is nothing, it is a disease! Drow do not love, do not care, we Lust, we take! And so you are called Lustivia, you who will never feel love! Never!”
I did not argue, I had never seen my mother like this, so angry and so full of hate. But she had given me full knowledge of deceit and weapons, and so I stored her words in case I would need a weapon against her in the future. I became her in those years. On the outside I did not change, I was still loving and kind towards my human family, for what better way to learn your enemy’s weaknesses and strengths than to make them think you
are one of them? On the inside, she had made me her. The hate, the anger, the drive to rule and gain more power. It was a drink I was addicted to. I tired of my lover, and killed
him. My mother laughed and rewarded me with information.
The prophesy that surrounded me, her child, born of human and Drow blood. I was to take over the world for her, prepare it by bathing it in the blood of all its creatures. She spoke lovingly of her throne, which I was to build of skulls of the leaders of the creatures inhabiting our world. She said, “I want only those skulls of the most loved creatures, their leaders and hero’s.” With illusion she showed me a world of destruction and hate, where the strong preyed on the weak, rape, looting, and torture were practices that were rewarded, while compassion, honesty, and love were outlawed with the penalty of death. In the midst of it all there was my mother, sitting on her throne of death, smiling her cruel smile and applauding it all. Yet what shocked me more was the image of me, sitting beside her, males fawning over my feet, dressed in what looked to be a armor coated in blood, my
eyes soulless like my mothers, and my mouth in an imitation of her cruel smile. And even as I watched the ghost image of me kicked out at a young child, and when the young girl tried to get up again I incinerated her with spell, laughing evilly the entire time. It was an image that haunted me, but I do not know whether it was the horror of that image or the power it represented that burned in my brain night and day.
I had become so dark inside that it became impossible to hide it from my human father, and so I left and went in search of others like me. I met evil soon after. A dark guild, full of those whose darkness had spread through their soul, they no longer resembled
human beings. I learned to perfect my art of seduction and magic, power and deceit. Within their ranks I grew to be a full Drow. It was here that I learned of Lloth, the spider goddess, the one that dwelled beneath the earth, in the dark where nothing could escape. I began to wonder at this goddess who never showed herself, but whom these Drow followed without question. Their high priestess intrigued me. She had such pride and
determination, such faith, that I believed her a fanatic. I wanted to control that power, I wanted to control what Lloth did. I mentioned such plans to my mother, whom I still met
in secret. She was quiet a long time, and when she looked at me she had an evil sneer I had not seen since my question of love. I was frightened, I knew of her powers, I had seen
her fell monsters with a glance that even hardened warriors ran from. Yet there was a hint of fear in her eyes, and in the face of that, I stood taller, refusing to give into the fear, the evil I felt radiating from her.
Her voice sounded as if nails were dragged along slate, “You will never equal Lloth, you can not compare with her powers, you are defenseless against them, you will obey her because you will obey me! My powers gave you birth, how can a child surpass her mother? You are nothing, you are my tool to clear this world of its useless beasts, these weeds that
must be exterminated! Beginning with that pathetic human family of yours, that human father whose flesh and blood will be the crown I wear!”
I was shocked, comprehension dawning on me, of how I had gained those other powers, of how and what she had taught me all those years. The darkness in me was complete, this knowledge sealing my fate with what I must do. My mother wanted me to give her the world, she did not care for me. I looked up then, and for once my eyes took on the strange look of stars blanketed in darkness, “Never will I give you this, never will I betray those that have cared for me, never will I be a pawn in your hands or any others be them gods or mortal!,” I spoke with all the passion in me, while inside of me I fought the
darkness that had almost enveloped my soul completely. Lloth glared at me, then began to laugh, an ugly laugh full of hate, cruelty, and mockery. She spoke in a voice unlike any I
had heard before, like a hundred screaming voices, “Fight all you want child, you are my own blood, you can not fight the darkness, it is part of you, and will win where my illusions could not. It is fate, you are destined to become what I have made you, a darkness to make the world crawl.”
I ran then, ran and did not stop until strong hands caught me up and carried me, exhausted and trembling. I do not know who my hero was, not do I know now, only that he cared for me, held me while I fought to deny the truth of my mothers words. The darkness was in me, and it was winning. What would I become? Would the darkness win and my friends and family die? Would the world really fall at my feet, whether I wished it or not? I could not live with that, I did not want to live. And the stranger, his hands caressing me, his words flowing over me gave me what hope I needed to fight, to believe that maybe fate
could be swayed, maybe this time, the light could win...
Chapter 2
It was the heat that woke me this time, laying on a mattress so soft that I seemed to be floating. I closed my eyes against the pain of my memories and laid back down trying to remember the stranger. Mysteriously all I could remember were his hands and his soft murmuring voice. I could almost feel his hands touching me, his lips whispering against my hair, and the heat that I felt which seemed to radiate from him. And for a moment,
those thoughts overcame my memories. I opened my eyes, determined to face the world again, and even more importantly to fight the darkness in me, and to overcome my mothers grip on my soul.
I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, and stood up unsteadily on my feet. I called out, wondering where the stranger was that had helped me, who had saved me from
my own darkness. But the room was empty, the sort of empty that fills one’s soul. I almost cried then, but the darkness forbade tears of any kind. I did not even know who the man was that had helped me, but help me he did. There were clothes and supplies on a chair by the fire at the foot of the bed. Laying on top of the night table there was a note propped up beside a silver covered dish. My shaking hands reached for the note, even as my mind
condemned the man who had been so kind. The script was elegant, but the words made me smile.
I claim you as my soulmate, bound for all eternity, in life or death. I offer all that I am to you, and take into my keeping the same of you. I go now to ensure that you have a chance to fulfill your own destiny. Do not look for me, for I will be watching you always. You are mine, as I am yours. There
will be no more loneliness, for there will always be a hand reaching out to aid you when all seems darkest.
It was romantic, loving and reassuring, and it made me sick. There was a fear in my heart that I could not outrun this time, a fear that I could not fulfill this man’s faith in me.
My stomach dropped, and the darkness inside of me screamed and cringed with the unknown emotions that raged through my heart and soul. I could not bear the conflict, I stuffed the note in the pack that he had left, dressed and sorted through the rest of the supplies. I knew not where I was going, but I knew I had to leave. I could not abide this place of light and love. It brought warmth where I had known only coldness, I felt like I was burning. Dressed and equipped in the finest of clothing, I was surprised to find regeants, those ingredients a mage needs to cast her spells, in great numbers piled in one of the
packs. I grinned then, and yes, it was an evil grin. To provide me with regeants showed no fear of me, and to me that was to be respected, although that fearlessness also must be destroyed. It was hard to fight the darker side of my soul, screaming for release, for the destruction of everything I saw. I walked out the door then, and looked up. Surrounded by forest, it seemed I was cut off from civilization. The cottage was small, one room, with a
small lean to against the side. It was a cottage out of a fairytale, thatched roof and wood and daub outside. I turned to scan the woods again, I could feel eyes on me, whether that was my imagination or the stranger, I did not know. I walked toward the path leading from the house, and I’m sorry to say that, unlike most stories, I did look back. I turned around and lifted my hands and gave into the darkness for a moment. With tears in my eyes I destroyed the small cottage and took the note the stranger had left me and dropped it onto the ashes. I would not believe in love, nor would I believe in darkness. It was love that had trapped me at first to my mother’s control, I would not let love trap me again. And it was darkness that trapped me now, I would not fall even more into it. Both were a weakness I
would not succumb to.
I turned back toward the path leading into the unknown. I was determined to fight the darkness, but even more determined to find my own destiny. I would not forget that it was safer to be alone than to have someone who cares for you or to care for them. Nor would I let others control me, be they gods or mortal. It was good that there was no one on the path, for if they would have seen my eyes then, all would have ran from the darkness
that shone completely for a brief instant.
Chapter 3
It was not easy in those first few weeks. I was a women who’s soul was in a battle, the fears in me built with each person i met, but my pride and my nature forced me to keep going. I went to all the places i remembered from the stories my mother, the Goddess Lloth used to tell me about. Cemetaries, dungeons, and crypts became my home, the only place i felt safe.
I felt hunted at times, by people that i knew cared for me, but who made me feel as if i was drowning. It was almost as if the light of their love would force me to love them, to become
again trapped by another’s thoughts and wants. And each time their light was answered by a light within me i would run as if my mother’s own deamons were after me. And later, when my heart would stop pounding, and my stomach stopped it’s climb i would think, and regret, and my mind would wonder “what if”. There were some though, who slipped by unseen, who crept into my heart and showed me their light before i even realized they were
important to me. When i did realize it, it was too late to run, and so i would do the opposite. I threw myself into those few that became a part of me with all of my heart. They were my guides in an unknown world, i believed in them, and trusted them. With their light i began to slowly nurture the growing light within myself. I was on my way to becoming happy and filled, ready for what tommorow might bring. And then the worse that could
happen intruded. One by one, those that i loved, that brought light to my life disappeared. Whether it was by spell or trickery, they left me. And with each one out of my life, my world
became darker. It was as if an evil had spread, an evil that no matter how hard i fought it, continued to invade into my life and take those that i cared away. Was it my mother’s work? That i do not know, all i know is that the results were to her liking. I was lost, why fight when it is so obvious that i would lose every time? There was no way to fight a darkness you could not see or touch. No way to reach the light when each time you came
close it was gone. I forgot to love, i forgot to care at all about life or death, good or evil. I just existed, and only those few who stayed, held my soul to my body.
I became a murderer in secret, laughing and loving to those that were dear to me, but in the dark of the night, when the wind howled and the shadows twisted, it would be me the strangers saw. Gliding out of the shadows, lulling them into a sense of security, and before their swords could leave their scabbards, before their lips could whisper their spells,
their destruction would already be at my hands. Each time i would pull their souls from their bodies i felt tempted at keeping them, hording them in a prison of my own choosing, but i had not fallen that far into the dark yet. In a secret part of my heart and soul i yearned for rescue again, by that stranger. The memories i held of him were often forgotten deep in my soul, time had made me forget he was real and instead had turned him into nothing
more than a fantasy. It was not until one of those murderous nights that i discovered the stranger was more than just imagination...
I was careless, his easy smile and welcoming eyes tempted me to take advantage of his lithe body before taking his life. He was tall, darkly handsome and i could feel the power radiate from him. More than anything, he was a challenge. It began as a normal night, he was sitting by the fire, blind to all around him, but i should have known he was different when he did not even jump when i stepped out of the shadows. He looked at me for a long time, his eyes penetrating and searching. For a moment i almost felt guilty at disturbing him, then i rememebered that his feelings were no concern for he would be dead soon. I looked him up and down, weighing how i would kill him when his smile caught me unaware. It was as if someone had hit me in the stomach. I lost my breath and my heart sped up, and i found my soul reaching out to him almost as if it recognized him.
He laughed as if he knew what i was feeling, but before i could take offense he invited me to share the warmth of his fire. I was so confused at this new rush of emotions that i gladly sat down, staring at him with a mixture of disbelief and horror. Neither of us spoke for some time, and as the time passed i found myself staring into the flames, as memories came back to haunt me of the small cottage burning to the ground. I was so lost in
memories that i did not sense the bandits surrounding us or moving in for the kill. Before i knew it i was tackled from the side by the stranger, just as arrows pierced the wood where i
had been sitting. As i looked up i could see him throw me a wary grin before telling me to get ready to dance. That i had been so ambushed fired my temper and i unleashed it upon the vicious horde of bandits. One by one they fell by my spells, but i did not go unscathed. I was exhausted, and running for my own life as two chased me down. Thrown to the side by one’s brutal blow i was laying helpless, waiting for them to finish it, when out of the shadows came the stranger. The fire in his eyes held me as helpless as the two bandits, and before my very eyes he consumed them in his own spells, as powerful as my own. It was the first time i felt fear, not only for my life but for my very soul. Here was a man who would not cower before me, nor would he fall helpless under my powers. When he grabbed my hand, it sent sparks up through my arm, and when my eyes met his i saw a different fire flare into his own eyes. I could feel the heat from his body seep into mine, and as his hands ran down my body i could feel the darkness fall back in my soul. The memories flooded me all at once, of being loved and of being hurt, of running for so long and blocking all those around me out that i realized i had caged myself off as well. And standing here, the one thing i might reach out to, and yet could not, so trapped in my own prison of fear and anger. When i looked into his eyes again i saw the moment of determination and possession, and again felt the shiver run through my body and soul...
to be cont.
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Reviewed by peter paton
4/26/2004
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