Fishing! The Knights Templar of Rod and Reel and Beer!

If you want to be a member of the ranks of the secret cult of fishing you need to be aware of a few requirements before you even attempt to bait a hook, untangle a massive mess of tangled fishing line, remove the hook you carefully cast that landed not in the lily pads where the big ones lurk, but in your drinking buddies right ear. It’s his fault anyway...he was too drunk and standing too close to avoid getting snagged.

First rule of fishing. You’ll need a tackle box the size of Texas overflowing with sinkers of varying size from split shot for bluegills to a 57 Buick for the really big Moby Dicks you envision on the dinner table that night that you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of catching.

Don’t forget bobbers - the early warning system of fishermen.. lures - think of the fish as a hooker on the avenue and the lure or bait is a $50 bill. One gets you a decent blowjob, the other a platter of prostitute fish who sold themselves for a lousy night crawler.

Load up with extra hooks and line, fish scaler, jack knife, needle nose pliers, plastic worms - I’ve used Gummi worms and caught bass in Michigan with them...but then again, Michigan fish have a sweet tooth! (A can of corn tossed on the waters of a river bring the carp to your fishing poles front door!)

Next you’ll need a beer can opener, and a first aid kit in case you have to render CPR to an over stimulated salmon. (Salmon Rushdie? Isn’t he a writer with a bounty on his head?)

It’s also important to be a math genius. Trigonometry or geometry and a dash physics are important especially when adding 6 to 12 inches to the length of the really big one that got away. You’ve heard of penis envy? This in Templar terms is called Fin Envy.

To bait or not to bait that is the question! Spinner baits have metal parts that spin, dance and move like a deranged disco ball dazzling and delighting the Saturday Night Fishing Fever of any fish within proximity. For them when caught, “Stayin’ Alive’ ain’t an option.

Live bait is another story...worms or minnows? Worms gives you the ability to cast in tight cover. If you are in a boat fishing for panfish such as my favorite, perch, your best fishing bait will be a small minnow. Minnows or worms can be bought at any bait and tackle shop that also sells beer, cigarettes and ammo by an old guy named Gus who just needs someone to talk too about the good old days of World War Two and the time he was shot down in B-29 bomber over Berlin Or….

You can dig for nightcrawlers at night in your backyard garden or find minnows in small dam areas by using a net and a bucket. Don’t let your cat if you have one have any access to the minnows, especially if it is a catnip or heroin addict that failed rehab twice already.

Many fishing folks use a Lowrance fish finder which I find is a waste of time, unless you can successfully program a TV remote and put full trust in that faulty GPS system in your SUV that mistakenly sent you careening over a cliff into the Pacific Ocen. Lowrance utilizes sonar (Think “Run Silent, Run Deep”) and unless you are considering using depth charges or dynamite to bring fish to the surface I’d pass on it. I call it Zen Fishing...be the fish...know the fish….get drunk with the fish and you’ll know where the best bassholes are, not to be confused with those suburban assholes who ski boat close to you just as you get a strike!

Which brings us to Inboard or Outboard, the yin and yang of power. Inboard is a must if your working for Miami Vice and chasing down cocaine smugglers with Sonny Crockett. Outboard Mercs and Johnsons are perfect for getting you to where the fish dwell. Trolling motors are best for that Foghat slow ride dangle your bait fishing pole dance that drives fish crazy. Follow these simple rules and you too will soon be a Templar Knight...let the Fishign Crusades Begin!!!!