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Dear Kendra: Letter #2 From Jenna Aurora Whitson (5 Stories Away From *1,000*! :) ) by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Jenna Whitson emails her new friend in California while Michael, their friend Louisiana, and Louisiana's kids, Johnny and Ronee', are out for a few hours.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004~
Dear Kendra May:
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. It is very nice to hear from you again; and I appreciate you trying to tell me about Jesus and what He has done for you (and even ME!); but since the accident I find myself being angry at God. I haven't had a very easy time of it, and it is so hard trying to do everything one-handed! Sometimes I get so frustrated it is all I can do to keep from crying; and I feel that I am burdening Michael with my troubles; and I am so scared that he is going to leave me because I AM disabled now.
I am having trouble trying to accept God and His Goodness; if He is so good, then WHY does He let bad things happen? Why is there war, hatred, or violence? Why are people shooting up or killing one another? Why are there horrible diseases that are threatening to decimate humankind, and nothing seems to be doing done to help the poor or downtrodden of our world? If there WAS a god, there wouldn't be all this terrible stuff going on in the world, and I find myself having a hard time trying to imagine that there IS a God when there is such sufferings going on in our world! Plus in my Inuit culture, we don't believe in the same God you do; we believe in our own gods, and to us, they are in control of what we do in our lives and what happens around us. My husband believes in a force, but it is more tied to nature; we both don't believe in a supreme being as you do, and we never have. Michael used to, when he was small (he was Catholic; a lot of the Cajuns are Catholic), but a close friend of his got raped by a priest when his friend was only six, and it sickened him; so he stopped believing, and he discovered the Wiccan faith, and this is why he is Wiccan today. I never knew this until he told me, and when he did, I was shocked beyond belief!
I also don't believe in God or Jesus because if they DID exist (and you say they do; so does Johnny and Ronee' and their parents), then I would be walking now, and I would be healed of my disabilities; and I see nothing happening when I pray. I have tried to pray to this God or Jesus, but nothing has happened, and I have turned into a nasty, bitter person because I have been disappointed, and I find it hard trying to believe when He won't heal me of my disabilities! I wish I were like I were before the accident; but I am not, and I feel like such a useless invalid with no value to anyone! It's like I have been discarded by society other than a few friends or my immediate family; and I feel so abandoned or so alone!
I am trying like hell not to cry as I write this; but I have been so down in the dumps, and I wonder why I have to suffer so much heartache! I am trying to maintain a happy attitude, but it isn't easy when I can't walk without help, or my one arm doesn't work; and I also feel so horrible all of the time, and I can't eat because the medications they have me on has absolutely fried my appetite, and I can't EAT! The thought or smell of food makes me nauseaous a lot of the time, and it is all I can do to keep from throwing up!! I have withered down to practically nothing, and I am so tired and so rundown a lot of the time, and I HATE being cooped up in the apartment day in and day out with nothing to do except go to therapy every day or see my g.d. shrink every Thursday! It seems that is all I ever do: go to doctors, go to therapy, or see my shrink! Nothing else! This is NOT the life I had ever imagined when I met Michael; and then people wonder why I am so angry or frustrated a lot of the time!
Since Johnny and Ronee' have come here, things have been a little better; but I feel bad because I am such a lousy hostess, and I can't really do a lot for them when they need help too, and I find myself getting angry or crying at inappropriate times! Just yesterday, as an example, Ronee' fell (she didn't hurt herself; I didn't hear her, but I felt the vibration from when her body hit the floor; and when I looked up, there she was, sprawled out on the floor, her crutches all askew, and a look of pain on her face), and I couldn't help her up; I ended up calling Michael to help Ronee' back to her feet, and all I could do was sit there and bawl my eyes out because I couldn't help Ronee' when she needed help. I also can't lift Johnny out of bed when he needs to go potty, and I have to get Michael to help him; and I HATE being so dependent on Michael or other people!!
Johnny and Ronee' ARE beautiful and sweet kids, but seeing their problems up close only reminds me of my own; and I am not having an easy time trying to deal with them. They haven't had any problems; but I am scared to death that Johnny will have a seizure or that Ronee' will have trouble breathing; and I don't know how to handle that. They don't let their problems get to them; they just take life as it comes, and they have such a good attitude about them; and their young faces shine with such love and compassion; you would love them, Kendra! I have only known them for a day and a half; but already both Johnny and Ronee' have captured my heart and my soul, and I find myself falling in love with them almost as much as their mother!
I am happy to say that Bill is "home" from the hospital; he got out earlier today; but he is sitting across from me, drinking a cup of hot tea and snacking on a bagel. He feels so much better; they have given him a new asthma medicine by way of inhaler, and he is also taking more pills to help his breathing, and so far, he hasn't wheezed once or had any trouble with his breathing. He feels fine, he says, but he IS a bit tired; and he looks it. But he IS happy to be back "home", and so far, since he's come home, he has been taking it easy, for fear he may have another attack of asthma if he overdoes himself. Bill is very nice, too, but his wife and him are total opposites. Bill is nearly 7 feet tall, and his wife is even shorter than ME! I am 4' 9 1/2" tall, and Louie is only 4 ' 7 1/2" tall, two inches SHORTER than I am! She looks almost like a little girl, she is so tiny! LOL (She IS bigger than me, though; she reminds me of a baby beachball! LOL She is so cute I can't help BUT to smile whenever I look at her!!)
Bill, like his wife, is very devoted to his Christian faith, but he is more so. He is reading his Bible, and I can tell that he is really into it because I can see that he is praying and spending time with his God; and he looks happy. But he doesn't force the issue; he knows that I am not a Christian, so he doesn't force his beliefs on me. He only asked me why I wasn't a Christian when I told him, but he didn't go any further than that. I just told him about my beliefs, and also Michael's, and he only nodded his head and didn't start preaching like a lot of these Christian people do. He didn't tell me that I was going to hell because I didn't believe in God; he only said that he and Louie would pray for me if that was okay. I told him it was, and we then let the matter drop; and he hasn't once hounded me or Michael since that time.
Kendra, you will have to send me a picture of your girls. I would very much love to see what they (and you) look like. For your sake, I will describe myself and also Michael; and maybe if you want, we will send you a picture of the two of us. I am 4' 9 1/2" tall, as I just said, and I have straight, blue-black hair that falls to below my shoulders; slanted eyes of brown, and a round face. I look like a typical Inuit you would see in picture postcards about Alaska, but I am skinnier than most, thanks to my being sick for so long. I have lost a lot of weight, and now that I have, I am always COLD! That is a sad thing...a cold Inuit! LOL That is pretty bad, no?? LOL I speak both English and Inupiat (in sign language that is; remember I am deaf! LOL), which is the language of my people. I may be deaf, but I can make sounds if I have to. I DO sign, but I mostly read lips; I don't want to "look handicapped", so this is why I do this. Or, if people don't know sign, then I write what I have to "say" on paper. (LOTS of paper, and a pen I carry on me at all times!) Michael, on the other hand, is tall (but not NEARLY as tall as Bill; Michael is only 6' 4" tall; he's a good 5 1/2" SHORTER than Bill Sandusky is!), with short, salt-and-pepper hair, a moustache, and beard, and he has dark-brown eyes. He has dark skin, too, but it is not nearly as dark as mine is. He is fairly built; but he DOES have a gut! (Too much Cajun and Inuit food, he says! LOL)
Kendra, since I started writing, I do feel a lot better. Thanks for your encouragement and your love, and thanks for your prayers. Maybe one day Michael and I will make it out to California (or maybe you can bring yourself, your husband, and your girls out to Alaska; we would LOVE to have you here!). We would really love to meet you and get to know you and your girls! We have already been invited to go to Tennessee in August for the national "Adoption Fair and Picnic" by Louisiana and Bill, and depending on how things go, or how I am doing with my health, we just may make it there. No, we are NOT adopting, but it WOULD be a great way to meet Bill and Louie's "Rainbow Family" and see what it is all about, and who knows? We may adopt a kid ourselves! (But that WON'T be for a while, until AFTER Michael and I are married!) Then in September is our wedding (September 11, 2004 is the date we have set); and maybe you and the girls can come to Louisiana and see us "get hitched"! LOL (We are getting married in Lafayette, Louisiana, at Vermillionville, which is a historical attraction.) My family (my sister, Jerrica, her husband, and my nephews) will be there, and so will Michael's crew (whom I have yet to meet!!). Louisiana and her bunch will be there too; so you know that there will be TONS of people there! LOL We'll make it a regular FAIS DO-DO! LOL
In the meantime, I will have to go; Michael, Louisiana, and the kids have come back. I will have to see what they were up to for the past several hours, and I will also have Bill help me make lunch and try to clean up. The kids have their stuff on the floor, and it is a hazard for us all! I will write more next time; again, thanks for your prayers, and thanks for understanding our beliefs and telling us about yours. We will have to think about this more; but right now is not the best time, not with all the health woes I am facing, plus with the approaching wedding...time to get busy doing a lot of planning! We also have to look forward to going to Tennessee for that adoption picnic...seems that we are going to be busy, busy, busy this summer even BEFORE summer arrives!! YIKES!!
Blessings to you and your family, Kendra, and hope that your God continues to help you all as you face a new addition to your already large family! I will pray to my spirits and God and ask for bountiful blessings to you and your children, and also your husband! (Funny thing, you haven't mentined him!) I will write more soon!
~Love, your new friend in Alaska, Naiomi Jenna Aurora Whitson.
P.S.: I must make mention of this: Bill and Louisiana and the kids will be here until Thursday; on Thursday, they leave Anchorage to continue on their cruise. They would have done so today, but the captain of the cruiselines called to say that the ship they are on is having problems; and so they had to delay the continuation of the cruise until the problems are alleviated. That means they will spend at least two more days here in Anchorage. That may be a problem with Bill, Louisiana, Johnny, and Ronee', but to us, that is fine. We want to get to know them a lot more! LOL And we can show them more of Anchorage! (Michael took the call; and he told the news to our guests. Our guests were disappointed that they couldn't continue on with their cruise; but they ARE happy they get to spend more time with us!)
It's almost Christmas. Lynn Basil is writing her last book about a secret entrance into the magical doll land of Sha Bebe that she loves so much. Bagannos have taken over the world! Lynn finally meets her dolls in real life. Can she write in a Secret
It's almost Christmas. Lynn Basil is writing her last book about a secret entrance into the magical doll land of Sha Bebe that she loves so much. Bagannos have taken over the world! Lynn finally meets her dolls in real life. Can she write in a Secret
Tuesday, April 20, 2004~
