Now it is Brooklyn's turn to update us on her life.
Hi! How you doin'?
You may not remember me, but I have been here before, more than once. I was the woman who was injured trying to rescue a little boy who was caught in a fire; and I got hurt myself while trying to rescue him. This happened last year, and I am still suffering the consequences of this event, both phsyically and emotionally.
I am still with the Nashville (TN) Fire Department, but I am not doing the runs any more. I injured my arms and shoulders; and now my arms are functionally useless; and I am unable to do a lot of things by myself without help. I can move them SOMEWHAT, but not nearly enough to where I can take care of myself. My Ma, she has been with me, helping me, and she has been a huge godsend. Instead of working with the guys, I am the one who mans the phones and answers all the calls for help; and I am also the one who tells the guys to go on the runs whenever the firebell goes off. It isn't the same as being out in the field, in the middle of all the action; but it is better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself!
Unfortunately, the little boy I rescued in the fire died. He was just in too bad of shape by the time we got there to get him out, and he was all but three years old. I sometimes have nightmares about pulling him out of the burning house and then the beams falling and then the pain and my blacking out....I feel bad for his family because they no longer have JaVon around; and I sometimes wonder if they blame me for his death because I didn't get him out in time.
I have been busy trying to get back to the way things were before I got hurt, but therapy is proving to be difficult at best. I can move my arms somewhat, but my hands are still frozen into useless claws, and I still can't move my fingers that much. I am still trying to get some semblence of my arms back into working again, but it is still hard, and I sometimes get mad at myself for being so stupid and putting my life at risk in trying to rescue little JaVon; and if it weren't for my stupid stubborn pride, I wouldn't be in the sad shape that I am currently in. Then people wonder why I have such a shitty outlook at times...wouldn't YOU be angry if you knew that what you do in order to help someone else who is in dire need of assistance you had to take a huge risk, and things don't work out in the way you anticipated? Well, that was exactly what happened to me when I tried to save little JaVon Demetrius Jackson, and now because of it, my arms are shitty, and he is dead, never to get any bigger than three. He will always be a three-year-old little boy; and he is now with Jesus up in Heaven; and I am left with horrible memories of what happened.
I have had many visits with the boys from the station; and they have been helpful to me and trying to help me through my bad days; if it were not for them, or for Ma, I would be a basketcase. I also have heard from Louie Sandusky, that little raven-haired Cajun nurse who was so instrumental in helping me get back to my feet; and she has been checking up on me too; she has been by the station a few times (or my house), and she has brought me food and books to read; and she has also kept me up to date on what is new in her world; and from the way things sound, it seems that life is treating her pretty good. She has written a book about her large adoptive family, and she recently got back from a two-week vacation from Alaska; I was starting to wonder what had happened to her because it has been about a month since I last heard from her; and I was starting to think if she was even ALIVE!! Or still here in Tennessee! I was afraid she had MOVED!
Other than that--my arms still giving me no end of grief or not being to do a lot for myself, the endless therapy sessions, or being bored to tears on those stupid phones instead of in the middle of all the hot action in the field, rescuing people or putting out fires, or the endless nightmares that still plague me even now--, my life has not been nothing much to write home about; and I also have to still deal with my fellow firefighters' deaths on September 11, 2001, when they died trying to rescue people from the burning World Trade Centers. I miss my sisters and brothers in the firefighting unit that we were all a part of, and I still harbor a lot of anger towards those goddamn fucking bastards who attacked our country; if it weren't for them, my brothers and sisters would still be alive today, and we wouldn't be at war; and the towers would still be standing tall in NYC!!
People keep telling me all the time to "get over it", but they don't understand. I lost people I KNEW and WORKED alongside; and these are people I grew up with as a child and then worked alongside with growing up in my years in training to become a firefighter; and they tell ME to GET OVER IT?? I mean, COME ON!! YOU see your fellow brothers and sisters get attacked by terrorists, or YOU see the goddamn planes runnin' into the buildings and then YOU try to save their lives, hoping you get there in time; and YOU try to escape when you see the buildings shaking and swaying; and then collapsing into a cloud of choking ash and smoke; and then YOU run the fuck outta' there, hoping you escape! See what all THIS does to you! And then YOU see what terrorism really is all about--goddamn cowards--and see why we are now fighting a useless war, trying to rid the world of cowards who show absolutely NO regard for humanity! Frankly I am SICK of hearing of yet more Americans dying, and I just wish that all this stupid, senseless fighting would JUST STOP!!
I would LOVE to "get over it", but the truth of the matter is I CAN'T. I also can't get over the fact that a little boy I tried to save died; and I also can't get over the fact that because of MY trying to save his life I am now damaged, and I will NEVER be the same as I was prior to that fire. My life as I once knew it is OVER, and it's time I just try to go on and live my sorry life as best as I can. Some life; my life is nothing but a GODDAMN waste!
~Brooklyn Marie Harrington.
YOU try typing with a goddamn pencil stuck between YOUR teeth and see how YOU fucking like it!!
Welcome to MY world. This is how it is, and I fucking HATE it!!
sounds like Brooklyn and I would make a fine pair today. I pretty much hate the world I am living in as well today! having a "wish I had stayed in bed" day. Great write as always
heartshattering, powerfully emotional write--it's not easy getting back to previous activity when sudden disability strikes. have you considered writing about brooklyn going to counseling? maybe then she could heal...just a thought
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Hi! How you doin'?
