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J. Allen Wilson

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The Plan
By J. Allen Wilson
Last edited: Thursday, May 26, 2005
This short story was "not rated" by the Author.
       
Recent stories by J. Allen Wilson
· The Thanksgiving That Was and The Silver Star
· “Ceremony of the Gift”
· Twice Loved and Twice Left
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I was asked last week to write a short on date rape and was given only 500 words to work with...that seems like such a few in which to build on. What I have below is 500 words...does this work? I have to post tomorrow night...Thanks for any opinions on this.

 


 


The Plan


By


 J. Allen Wilson


 


 


Paul listened without hearing as he stared at the judicial seal mounted on the wall behind the judge. He listened as the events of the past six months played over in his mind like a bad movie. The evidence against him had been presented, and now his defense must magnify the virtues and the promise of a bright future for a young man who had simply made an error in judgment. Yet Paul knew different, He would pay, but not in terms of what society deemed appropriate, but in the terms of a life sentence of guilt, a shame, which tore daily at the fabric of his soul.


 


His journey to justice began on New Years Eve, with Paul and some of his pals preparing for the gala event at his families huge estate. Paul had been born with the proverbial silver spoon, he had everything that his heart desired and he had his way with everything in life; that is though with one exception, women. Though he had been graced with enormous wealth and privilege, he had however been shortchanged when it came to looks and social skills. That however was to change tonight, for the estate would be crawling with women and booze, and Paul's friend Jason was going to make sure that Paul would score tonight.


 


Paul had been skeptical when Jason approached him with "The Plan", but he agreed nevertheless. It was simple and easy, Jason, being the smooth operator that he was, would simply talk his girlfriend Rachel into bringing a friend along to the party for Paul. Once at the party with the wine and music flowing free, Paul would just slip the G Juice {GBH} that Jason had given him into the drink of his date, and the rest as they say is history. Actually, Paul did not think it would work, even if he were able to pull it off, but agree he did, and much to his eternal chagrin. 


 


With Jason, being true to form, he arrived precisely at 9pm. With him was Rachel his girlfriend of two years, and another girl who must certainly be Paul's date for the party. Her name was Cheryl and perhaps one of the prettiest girls Paul had ever seen. Paul knew at once that this would be his night and {GBH} was to see to it.


 


Paul had his thoughts of that night interrupted by the pounding of the judge's gavel, and his head swam as the judge spoke "Madam Foreman has the jury reached its verdict"?


"Yes we have your honor" came the cool reply from the slender lady in the foreman's box.


 


Paul suddenly felt sick as he relived in his mind the image of Cheryl lying on the floor suffocating on her own vomit, gasping and clawing haplessly for air…


 


"And what do you say"? Said the judge


"Guilty your honor, guilty of murder in the first degree"


Paul dropped his head and wept, but not for himself, but for Cheryl.


 


 


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Reviewed by John Bushore
Reviewed on September 30, 2006
I hesitate to comment on this, since I'm a year late. It doesn't quite work, although close. If you'd like detailed comments, please contact me. e.g. Paul's meandering thoughts were jolted back to the present by the pounding of the judge's gavel. "Madam Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict." Sorry, I'm more critiquer than reviewer. It's good - but then you asked for opinions and I'm full of it, er them.

JohnB

Reviewed by Tami Ryan
Reviewed on October 2, 2005
As a sexual assault counselor, I have to say that I struggled with this: "...had simply made an error in judgment." Rape is no simple error. (Please understand, I'm critiquing, and this is not a personal attack.) I would prefer different language in that sentence. ('...had made a gross error in judgment', for example.)

Even with limitations, it's an important point to fit even the smallest explanation of GHB (and it is GHB) into the story. It wouldn't take much. The date-rape drug GHB is used much more often than the general public realizes. I've sat with many women all night at the emergency room who had no idea that they had been slipped a date rape drug, whether Rohypnol or GHB.

This is good, tight writing, Allen. It's good to read you again.

Tami

Reviewed by Monette Bebow-Reinhard (Reader)
Reviewed on August 24, 2005
Why couldn't he save her? He saw her choking, right? I don't think this is enough about rape, although you sure did get a surprise ending! A very tight piece, I can't write a complete story in 500, so I'll hand it to you, very clear and concise and a complete story. I guess I thought the assignment was nonfiction.

Reviewed by April Smith (Reader)
Reviewed on June 3, 2005
Read this story and thought it was very deep, for such a short story. I really appreciated the fact that Paul felt sadness for his victim (not that I feel sorry for him!). Thanks for sharing, April

Reviewed by Tracey L. O' Very (Reader)
Reviewed on May 30, 2005
Excellent story Allen. Excellent!
I truly love the remorse felt here by Paul ...unfortunately too many jerks don't have that in them... and it truly brings all the date rape and dangers of that dasterdly stuff right to the surface. I hope that this story gets out there to wake these kids and adults alike up to the Facts of Life!!!
Thanks so much Allen.xo Excellent Powerful story.
Tracey

Reviewed by Felix Perry
Reviewed on May 27, 2005
It is a good write my friend with the exception and perhaps it is intended that the sympathy in it seems to be directed at the rapist and I think some may take offence to that, just my opinion though. Felix

Reviewed by Ed Matlack
Reviewed on May 26, 2005
Maybe you could tell the reader what GBH is, as I have no idea nor would others unless they were in the situation themselves...also squeezing something in there as to the fact that maybe Cheryl was allergic to the "drug", because not knowing, I found it hard to understand what happened, how she got to the point of choking and gasping for air etc...Beyond all that, and the above is only a bit of advice, no negativity meant, the story line is fine with the amount of words you get to work with...even an extra 250 might give a better picture, but with what you had what else could you do...? (So what brought this excursion into a short story thing on...? I have missed you this week, wondered just last night where you had been...?) Best to Leah, Rufuz and Ed