A really rather unfunny, funny story involving a conspiracy theory about appliances.
(Written after my telephone went dead in my hands while I was on a call)
I find it rather strange that household appliances all seem to go on the blink at the same time. I'm starting to wonder if this is not as a result of some kind of insidious plot because this also always only happens when I'm running low on cash i.e just before the end of the month and lately all of the time.
All of my household and electronic appliances are manufactured by LG. I don't know why this is except that perhaps their adverts are so imaginative and I believed every word. Be that as it may, all of the equipment was bought at different times and from different stores, however, all my appliances seem to have a timed 'self destruct' device hidden in them somewhere. They don't give trouble at exactly the same time. Nooooo, that would be far too convenient. They pack up one after the other with just enough time in between to inspire a relative amount of confidence and peace of mind. However, one is no sooner recovering from one repair bill when one gets smacked with another and another in quick succession.
The last time I had a technician around I asked him if he could check all my other appliances just in case this happened. He gave me a rather odd look but complied and then had the cheek to charge me for this service and then tell me that everything was working.. Duh!!!
I have given this some thought and I think I've worked it out. LG stands for Lucifer's Gains. I even found a 666 in the barcode at the back of my washing machine - the latest appliance to have been possessed of some sort of demon. I had a hint that something might be amiss when it started to vibrate rather alarmingly and then jumped around like an enraged pamplona bull on the loose. If it had not been attached to a plug I'm sure it would have found its way out of the kitchen. Fortunately, in the middle of all the bucking around it gave up the ghost and remained ominously quiet in the centre of my kitchen. I didn't approach it because I was a bit nervous of it at this stage.
The tehnician from LG was duly called and I noticed with some consternation that he was dressed all in black - more proof! He also had two rather prominent bumps on his forehead. Retractable horns perhaps? I watched him keenly as he unscrewed the two screws that hold the plate down that conceals the electronic workings of the machine. Just then a rat the size of a small cat leapt from the cavity and dashed wildly around the kitchen before disappearing behind the fridge. The kitchen was quietly but swifly evacuated - ok I admit that I was screaming loudly at the time.
Janet, my housekeeper did one of her famous Olympic qualifying leaps onto a kitchen counter. This was such an impressive jump I'm sure she broke her last record, when we found a King Cobra in the sun room. My son, who is now 13 and recently testosterone charged, grabbed a broomstick and in a great Bruce Lee impersonation made an admirable attempt to send the startled creature to wherever rats go when they expire. I would not have gone back into the kitchen but the smashing noises combined with my son's loud grunts, convinced me that perhaps there were items in my kitchen that might be worth rescuing. The technician, I might add was calmy working on the washing machine while all this was going on - no doubt installing the next self destruct timing device.
I eventually convinced David that he had frightened the rat to death if he hadn't actually beaten it to a pulp and he went outside to practice his Kung Fu. The technician called me over to take a look at what had caused the problem. Washing machines apparently work better when the wiring is intact. It appears that the rat had made a nest in the mechanical part of the machine lined with socks (so that solves the odd sock mystery nicely!) among other things. For reasons only rats will understand, it had also decided to make a meal of all the electronics, including the PC Board (that's lingo I've only just picked up thanks to my horned friend) and this was why the machine had objected so violently before packing up. This was one expensive rat, I muttered miserably as I wrote out the check.
I did have a tiny moment of regret when I put down the rattex later that day. I thought about the luxury hideaway the rat had created inside my washing machine. How many people can afford a vibrating house? He did have good taste too. I found a pair of my most expensive french knickers in his hideout. They were filled with holes - more than they were created with that is.
Ok so what has happened to my conspiracy theory now? Well, I have to concede that unless my imagination can work out how LG would train a rat to inflict such damage to the washing machine, my conspiracy theory might be flawed. Back to the drawing board...
The dreadful thing about this story is how many times I found myself nodding in agreement. We had rats in our kitchen, you see, but fortunately they did not set up shop in the washing machine (or did they?). See my poem, "Where do all the odd socks go?", see I thought about that myself but not in a million years would I have put socks and rats together! So perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I should have opened up the washing machine and....
Reviewed by Rainbow Fish
11/20/2005
That's fantastic!!! Thanks Chanti, the morning grins are muuch appreciated. Love the imagery of the retractable horns and Kung Fu rat extermination! :)
Take Care & look forward to more of your work
I needed to smile tonight Chanti-Thank you - YOu are a riot- I love this story- WE just replaced our washer a couple of weeks ago,becuz the banging that was taking place too and it was repaired for the same problem 2 other times,...Didn't notice if it was possessed by them Unlucky #'s tho'- lol - You have had some trying times Lady- and Conquored them all successfuly- WArmly,Sheee
Lol at least it was a rat with taste lol...mind you perhaps you should install a King Cobra in the back of the washing machine, I belive they're rather partial to rat. Thanks for the chuckles...
Chanti, I'm going to laugh myself to bed! Lol!! I have an LG microwave - I was warming up some food and it just switched itself off! Then went on a few seconds later! I think there is more to it than just the rat theory. Lol!!! Great one, Chanti!
Chanti, this is one of the best short stories I've read in a very long time, no shit. I loved it and the wit and humorus sarcasm that you weaved throughout it. Especially liked the part about your knickers...lucky rat. lol Anyway well done my pretty friend.
Deputy Dave Jenkins sets out to find the murderer of the local high school principal, aided by a voice from the grave that is sometimes helpful and sometimes misleading.
"Murder isn't usually this funny."
Amazon reviewer
Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part II is adult literature featuring adult language and situations that satirizes thirteen famous novellas and short stories. It is Jay Dubya's sixteenth ebook.
