Last week, Ms. Pantsworth told Studio Reader Stan she's kept her job by never doing any work, and now she wants him to help her come up with the actual excuses that will continue to keep her from having to do anything.
Ms. Pantsworth finally returns to her office, where Studio Reader Stan still waits.
Studio Reader Stan: How was shooting Bazookas?
Ms. Pantsworth: Divine. Nothing calms my nerves like shooting large holes in things. So where were we?
Studio Reader Stan: You wanted to come up with a list of reasons for why you never seem to do any work.
Ms. Pantsworth: Ah, yes. I've got most of the year covered, but I need something for every month.
Studio Reader Stan: What have you been telling people so far?
Ms. Pantsworth: Depends on the month. After July 4th, I say what everyone in Hollywood says, that the town shuts down for the summer.
Studio Reader Stan: That covers things through August. Unfortunately for you, most trickle in after Labor Day, raring to go.
Ms. Pantsworth: The soon-to-be-unemployed do. But I, the all-wise, then will use said Labor Day as an excuse for a month long celebration of all things labor.
Studio Reader Stan: So you'll use Labor Day as a way to never work. How ironic.
Ms. Pantsworth: Exactly. And then in October, I'll use the entire month to prepare a great Halloween party at the studio.
Studio Reader Stan: All of October?
Ms. Pantsworth: Hey, my employees deserve a great Halloween celebration. And they also deserve a fabulous Thanksgiving feast in November, which takes a month of instructing caterers to prepare the perfect meal, which I'll then claim I spent every waking hour cooking.
Studio Reader Stan: And you think people will actually fall for this?
Ms. Pantsworth: Yes. No one wants to be seen as being anti-Halloween or anti-Thanksgiving. And then, of course, the town shuts down again from Thanksgiving to the end of the year. And in January, everyone goes to Sundance, so no need to work then.
Studio Reader Stan: Let me guess, all of February you’ll use Groundhog’s Day to highlight the plight of all groundhogs who are left emotionally scarred by sometimes seeing their shadow and sometimes not.
Ms. Pantsworth’s eyes light up as she scribbles onto a notepad.
Ms. Pantsworth: That’s brilliant! I love it. I was going to use Valentine’s Day as some sappy month-long ode to love, but then I would have had to fake being in love the whole month. What do you got for March?
Studio Reader Stan: St. Patrick’s Day is in March. Are you Irish?
She happily scribbles again in her notebook.
Ms. Pantsworth: I will be by then. I’ll use the money the studio is saving on making movies to buy an Irish castle and then claim dual Irish citizenship.
She looks at a calendar.
Ms. Pantsworth: Let’s see, in April I’ll paint eggs all month to celebrate Easter, and in May I’ll wear my badge of patriotism by recognizing Memorial Day every day. That just leaves me with June... Got anything?
Studio Reader Stan: Flag Day’s in June. Since you're sure your brainless peers will fall for that other nonsense, I’m sure they’ll believe you’re a direct descendent of Martha Washington and therefore need to use all of June to honor her flag sewing contributions.
Ms. Pantsworth: Yes, I think they will, too. (Pumps her fist) I now have the whole year covered.
Studio Reader Stan: You know, if you put the same amount of energy and creativity into making a film, you might have something pretty good.
Ms. Pantsworth: Perhaps. But I’ve got nothing left in the tank. Scheming to not work is exhausting.
Tune in next week for more of Studio Reader Stan's adventures...
The Wholly Book of Genesis is a humorous satire on the first book of the Old Testament where the Story of Creation, the building of Noah's Ark, Sodom and Gomorrah and the families of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are thoroughly spoofed and broadsided.
Farctured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces, Part II satirizes popular children's stories into adult-oriented renditions. FFFF &FF, Part II is also available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble e-book formats.
