A Slice of a Short  Life                                                                    

By - Dr. John Michael Domino 

                My first wife Raya went to rest in heaven over twenty years from a disease called metastatic breast cancer.  From the time she was detected with this dreadful disease, it was hard for her to control her emotions.  At times, she would try to overcompensate by doing too much.  This was probably because she wanted to get on with her life.  At the time, she was an instructor for a university and I was a captain in the Air Force.  Raya was not just an ordinary instructor; she was also a mentor.  She was involved with her students and helped them out after class whenever she could.  At the same time, we were transferred by the Air Force to Eglin AFB so she had to leave a job as a director of a college site in Myrtle Beach.  She really made a difference and under her leadership, the college site flourished. However, less than six months after she left – things began to fall apart.   It was so bad that the university staff called her back to help train new employees.  They were so impressed with her that they later paid her to fly back to the university as a consultant to ensure things were done right! 
 

Raya’s fight with cancer was a roller-coaster emotional journey that lasted approximately three years.  After she had one breast removed, she was devastated.  It was then that we went for some counseling.  During this time many changes occurred and she vented a lot of anger.  Much anger and pain were shed to the ones she loved the most – her immediate family.  Since most of her family lived far away the brunt of her anger was vented toward me.  I guess she was trying to make sense out of her life and she wanted to better understand her family.
 

                               The Success of Counseling  

                At counseling, we started hearing of many stories about how other families coped with this stage.  Some did not do very well.  Many husbands just bailed out.  It seemed they could not live with the thought of their partners losing a breast.  There were some who thought of it as being married to half of a woman.  Other husbands left their wives because they could not deal with the emotional stress.  Hearing about these problems made Raya feel insecure because she thought we might be next.  Of course, our marriage had many problems but I could not even imagine living without her.  Raya was a loving wife and a very caring mother.  Furthermore, what decent human being would leave a loved one at a time of crisis?  I was going through a lot but it was nothing compared to what she had to face.  At this stage, we just held on to hope that the cancer was removed from her breast and that it was gone and gone forever.
 

 
                                              The Chemo

                It was not too long after her breast was removed that our doctor started talking about chemotherapy.  Chemotherapy affects the whole body by going through the bloodstream.  The purpose of chemotherapy is to get rid of any cancer cells that may have spread to other parts of the body.  The main problem with chemo is that it destroys good cells as well as the bad (cancer) cells.  For my wife, the chemotherapy was administered intravenously.  We would sit in the waiting room for the specialist to administer this chemical we called “poison”.  Raya would shake and shutter at the notion of this chemical going through her veins.  She was never alone as I always held her hand and tried to calm her down during the process.  Chemotherapy treatment for Raya was physically exhausting.  She was so little, only about 125 pounds and it was tough to watch her go through this.  I was not exempt, and I felt her pain every step of the way.
 

Unfortunately, chemotherapy has a range of side effects, such as loss of hair loss and intense nausea.  When we came home from treatment, she would spend hours vomiting near a sink or toilet and she let me know how debilitating it was for her.  She was already skinny and I watched this poor woman go from thin to an almost anorexic state.  There were days when no food seemed to stay with her.  These were bad days.  The good days were few, but we appreciated those few good days.  It was then that we would make believe that things were sort of normal.  A walk in the park or walks on the beach were some of her favorite things to do.  Life was such a profound uphill battle.  I recall her favorite song at the time was Helen Ready’s, “You and Me Against the World.”  At times she felt abandoned by her family but she felt that she had to fight.  One way to fight was to go outside and just live life.  We would go to a restaurant, a movie or just take off on a picnic with the kids.  She always wore a gold chain that I gave her for her 35^th birthday that was engraved, “Life, Love, Laugh" and she was determined to live life to the fullest.
 

 
                                                     Side Effects

                When her hair started falling out, we entered into a new phase.  Just the thought of her losing her hair was psychologically taxing.  When a woman loses her personal treasurer, she loses her identity as well.  There were times when she did not want to be seen at all.  She began thinking twice about attending the classes that she was teaching.  She could not hide in the back of her class because as an instructor, she was the center of attention.  There were other times when the chemo made her very sick and she had to miss class.  Through it all she would still call her students and help them if they had any questions.  It took some major convincing from me to get her to attend class.  Her students respected her and were very glad when she made it.  She was a great instructor who cared deeply about her students.
 

  I recall her last day of class.  I had to hold Raya up, arm and arm, until we got to the door.  She then walked in front of me into the classroom and then loud applause started cheering her forward.  She was appreciated because she was truly a remarkable instructor.  These special times put a big smile on her face. Yes, she had determination to do more.  She lived life to the fullest and no doubt, we can all learn a lot from her.
 

                                    The Radiation
 

 At this stage, Raya experienced tumors in her neck.  The specialist would mark the spot where the cancer was to be treated with a purple pen and then we had to wait in a room full of other patients.  Several times when we came for these treatments, we may have been waiting for minutes but it always seemed like endless hours.  In the waiting room we would notice many people with purple marks on different parts of their bodies.  Was this the treatment that was supposed to make people get well?  If so, then people should be happy and look full of hope.  But in reality, for most, this was the last chance.  There were no smiles in this waiting room.  It was like waiting in line to be branded like a herd of sheep.  We often talked about how people in concentration camps did not know their fate and were gathered like sheep for slaughter.  We also knew that if this radiation did not kill the cancer, the radiation would probably slowly kill us.
 

 I will never forget Raya talking to the doctor.  “I am going to die, right?” she asked him.  He replied, “Yes my dear, and we are all going to die sometime.  Some of us sooner than others but you are right.  We are all going to die.”  I don’t know why, but those words somehow gave her a sense of comfort.  Perhaps she felt she was not alone.
 

 This comfort did not last long.  In the days that passed she pondered the next question, which was, “How long do I have on this planet?”  There was no doctor that would give her a straight answer.  Then I recall a time when we were in a doctor’s examining room.  We were waiting for a long time.  There were stacks of medical books in an office nearby.  She went next door and took one huge off the desk and brought it into the private waiting room.  Thumbing through the pages, she found what she wanted to know.  She looked up the survival rate for her type of cancer.  It was three years from the date of diagnosis.  The mystery was over - but so was a sense of hope.
 

                                      The Final Stages

At this stage it was hard for her to walk even half a block.  Still, there were happy moments.  One of the happiest times was at the end of the day.  We would just soak in our hot tub on the porch and talk.  Sometimes she would tell me that the pain would subside as she floated among the bubbles.  The chemo was over and the radiation was over.  No more waiting on lines.  We were finally free to go on a real vacation.  We made plans; these times were special and things were good.
 

We loaded up our van and our two kids went along on a two - three-week journey from Niceville, Florida, to Aspen, Colorado.  We took a few extra days weeks to stop and met friends and family along the way.  For a while, Raya was in her glory.  She was free at last and was very happy.  Aspen Colorado was the highlight of the trip.  She loved the mountains and the wildlife.  For a few days she started to perk up and hope was in the air again.  However, soon after we left Aspen, things started to go downhill.  Raya was in pain again and wanted to go see a doctor.  It was the end of a journey – a last celebration of life.
 

  When we went to the doctor he told us the bad news.  The cancer had spread fast and there was little time left.  Before too long it was time to seek 24-hour care.  Raya was bedridden in Pensacola during her last days in the main hospital.  I recall one day her being in intense pain. Her medication was not working and it was time to go to the next level. So, I was arguing with the nurses to administer her more effective pain medication. After what seemed to be much too long for anyone to wait, they finally called the doctor and ask for permission to increase her dosage.  I could not understand why she had to be in pain.  It took hours before they finally got her medication.  On that day we won one small battle. This is why it's so important for family to be present so someone can an advocate for a loved one in time of need.  
 
 At this stage, sleep for everyone in her family was a premium.  We all took turns watching over her.  We would spoon-feed her like a baby but most of the time she refused to eat any food.  I would always ask her, “Why won’t you eat?”  Then she would get angry with me for asking.  She told me how she wanted peace. She said she was tired of fighting and she wanted to go home.  I remember telling her that if she would regain her strength, I could wheel her home in her wheelchair.  She told me, “I don’t want that.  I don’t want to live that kind of life.  I just want to go home and have peace.”  I just did not understand.  I thought she wanted to go home to our house in Florida.  What she was talking about was an entirely different thing.
 
 This struggle to get her to eat went on for several days until one day I realized what she was telling me.  That day I said to her, “I understand you now.  You want to go home so you can have peace, right?”  She replied, “Yes, I do; thank you.” It was as if I gave her permission.  Then I told her, “You know I love you very much.”  To this she smiled and said, “Yes, now I know that you really love me.”

This was a beautiful time.  We had a chance to say good-bye as she drifted off to sleep for the last time.  Many members of her family were there.  We all took turns saying good-bye.  She seemed very happy.  She got her way and she was going home.
 

Many of us go through life thinking that tomorrow is just another day.  We think that we can always see family and friends another time.  We put off things until tomorrow.  Perhaps we all need to celebrate life now and cherish the good times while we can.  Time waits for no one and you can’t put time in the bank.  Perhaps we need to get out and “Live, Love, Laugh” a little more and get on with life.  Our slice of life may be big or small but we need to “Live life to our full potential and not waste it!” Somehow, I think Raya would approve!
 

 
 Copyright: John Michael Domino, Author: Nov, 2005/2024

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 PS: Please read the poem, "Live, Love, Laugh,was Her Way."