Louisiana writes in her journal from a cramped hospital room, where her son, Johnny, lies in a drug-induced coma. (He is going to be fine, but Louie isn't so sure.)
Friday, March 23, 2007, 7:44 a.m., D.S.T., Nashville, Tennessee~
Dear Journal~
I am tired, so very tired. I have been here all night with Johnny, who continues to languish in a drug-induced coma. Doctors say he is going to recover from this just fine, but I am not as easily convinced. He looks so helpless, so vulnerable; yet I know he is alive because his vital signs are stabilizing.
To see him lying there in bed, tubes attached to him, brings me to the point of tears. He's been through so much grief the past few days, and I am suddenly worried about his health. Johnny looks okay to the doctors, but to me, he looks like he is dying.
Rebekkah feels that the seizure was her thought; I wrote to her mother, telling her this, and she says I am being silly. Maybe so, but to Rebekkah, the feelings are very real, and she is having a lot of tragedy to deal with right now.
(Somehow I can't help thinking that it is my fault. I should have told Johnny sooner instead of keeping this from him. Now he is sick, possibly dying, and there's not a damn thing I can do to take the pain away.)
Rebekkah is permanently paralyzed and is now a quadriplegic, paralyzed from the shoulders down. She will never use her hands or arms again. She will be dependent on others to help her do even the simplest things.
I feel so helpless. It seems that my world and the worlds of those I care most about are unraveling. I know I should lean on the Strong Arm of the Lord, ask Him to help me through this trial, but it is hard to do when I am hurting so badly inside. My emotions have been a whirlwind this past week or so, and I am trying hard to be a good mamma, a good wife, despite it all. Not easy to do.
The doctors came in to check Johnny this morning; he is holding his own, and they said that they are going to wean him off the paralytic drugs, so he can wake up. That will be nice; I hate to see him being so silent! Maybe they can take some of the monitors or tubes off so he can look more human, more like himself.
Well, the docs just came into the room, looks like they are going to stop the paralyzing drugs now, sooner than expected. We'll see how Johnny does when he wakes up. Hopefully all of his facilities are intact; that'd be a huge answer to prayer!
Until later, take care; will write in here later. Bye for now!
~Louie. :(
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Reviewed by d. k
3/23/2007
I'm so glad everyone has this journal to release all their thoughts, fears, triumphs, cries, etc. Keep up the great writing!
Continuing to paint a picture for us of this tragedy unfolding, your words make the hospital room come to life with all the beeps, busses and squeaks that any who have spent much time in one can recognize. Well done
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