A woman dealing with some serious health issues shares her deepest feelings at the suggestions of her nurse.
Weds., March 28, 2007, 10:18 p.m., D.S.T., Nashville, Tennessee~
Dear Journal~
My name is Aurora Star Skydancer. I am 48 years old. I used to live in New Mexico, but I moved to Tennessee, where I now live. I live in Nashville.
I am not sure I like Nashville: it is too big for my liking, and it is too hot, too humid here. I would like to move back to my native New Mexico, but I don't have the money, especially since I became disabled.
I have been sick the last two years. I was diagnosed with diabetes, and I gained a lot of weight. I weighed nearly 500 pounds before I took sick with a heart attack. Before that I was homebound, unable to do the simplest things because any exertion, no matter how minor, would leave me gasping for breath.
I have lost maybe fifty pounds, still am big, but now I can at least move better without choking halfway to death. I use oxygen at night when I sleep; I am prone to sleep apnea, and I am scared that one day I won't wake up. It's a terrifying feeling.
I try to do the exercises the doctor gave to me, but they are hard to do. I do want to get better, but it is hard at times when people stare at me or call me hurtful names. They call me names like Elephant, Walrus, or Hippo, and it hurts me deep inside. I am ashamed of how I look, even with the lost weight. I look in the mirror; I see an elephantine-sized woman, and I feel ugly.
I am trying like hell to control my diabetes, but it is hard to do. My diabetes is very hard to control (I have type 1 diabetes, and I have been having problems keeping my weight down, and I have been having problems with my heart and breathing). I have arthritis (I walk with crutches for short trips; on longer trips, I use an electric power chair), and I am trying to get on disability, which is proving to be a big hassle.
I have filed for disability six times already; each time, the g.d. people at the SS office tell me "I'm not disabled enough". Just how "disabled" do I have to be?? I can't walk, and I can't get around without a power chair or crutches! I have arthritis and heart/breathing problems. I am not disabled eonugh? Give me a break!!
In addition, I have high blood pressure and kidney concerns. I am in shitty shape, I am more like a woman of 70 than a woman who isn't fifty years old yet.
I have been in the hospital for over a month now; I am getting ready to be released; but not really. I am being moved to a nursing home. I don't like the thought of it; I don't want to be around all those little grey-haired old ladies or men! I am just a kid compared to the majority of the patients; I don't belong there!
The reason I am going to the nursing home is because the doctors and nurses want to keep tab on my diabetes and other health issues; personally, I think it's because they want to keep me miserable or in prison. I haven't been outside except briefly maybe twice; the rest of the time I have been cooped up in my hospital room, bored to tears!
It hasn't been fun!
Well, I am going to split now. I will write in here another day if my mood lightens up any (somehow I doubt that it will; I am sick of being sick!!). Take care!
I really feel bad for Aurora.. People can really hurt others, BY words and mis deeds....Thanks for your nice reviews...M
Reviewed by d. k
3/29/2007
How sad for Aurora SkyDancer. People can be so cruel to those who are overweight. You have captured the emotions very well. Also, I enjoy how you bring all these characters through their writings in the journal! Keep up the great writes!
This makes me weep, Karen. Through your most sensitive, informed and life-like writings you have shared the most intimate thoughts and feelings of those who are by nature marginalised and isolated... and sorely misunderstood or ignored by the masses of fit and well people the world-over. Thank you ALWAYS for your Voice for the Voiceless. I am already thinking differently about some of the overweight younger people I see often in powered chairs... I have wondered what brought them there... and now I feel I might be given a clue and to know. You are a consciousness-raiser and a dear, dear heart that is full of love and compassion for the suffering. I can not thank you enough for writing in this way. Bless you, and stay safe and well over the coming days of storms. Love and prayers as always. Kate xx
Mimmi had type one diabetes, she went through the same stuggles with disability as well. Melissa was not over weight as you know, but she had trouble with her kidneys and other issues as well, and now she is home with the Lord, thank you for sharing this
God Bless
Michelle~
Rovella is a beautiful woman with a cold heart whom blames herself for an unfortunate old family secret that is literally ruining her life. This secret impedes a gorgeous woman from having happiness in her childhood, and throughout her life. Dark sec
