Running the security cameras in a big discount store is not all that was expected.
Copyrighted by Jerry W. Engler from A Heartland Voice: Just Folks Two
Circle cares for ‘our lady of the legs’
The people come from all over, leaving their cars on the 80-acre asphalt parking lot, whether it’s the burning heat of summer baking their brows from the long, black surface, or the skidding winter flakes of snow gone airborne once again to swirl around their ankles.
No season of the year stops them in their lemming-like plunge to enjoy their big Circle discount store.
They include the well-dressed business women and men of the city, the mothers and fathers stained by their excited children, the gawking youths in seed and ball caps turned backwards, and the maidens with the holes seductively cut out of the seats of their blue jeans.
They never see the first store person to greet them 75 percent of the time, while his subordinates carry the load the other 25 percent. That’s because he’s tucked away in a row of offices above the ceiling visible to them. He’s Palmer Bettendorf, head of security for Circle and third vice-president for merchandising. He’s watching what he calls “my people, the menagerie of humanity,” from security cameras that see the parking lot, the entry-ways and every angle of every aisle he cares to see.
And he cared about those people, just as he told his store employees, his big brown eyes turning glistening moist-soft under his long, black lashes, borrowing a few lines from advertising, “Circle cares, I care. We are your Circle store.”
It was Palmer Bettendorf who spied the fellow who stained the front of his clothes down at the end of row 25 because he couldn’t make it to the restroom. Palmer had an employee running a fresh shirt to him scarcely before the man could move.
It was Palmer Bettendorf who had the youth brought squirming in the arms of an officer to his office to explain to him that he was pressing charges for shop lifting, but he would even welcome him back as an employee some day if he reformed.
“You see, son,” he said, “Circle cares even for ex-convicts. Yes, Circle cares.”
“You ain’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“Yes, but Circle cares for you like a father would,” said Palmer, folding his hands while picking at the point of his blue tie, a dignified aristocrat before this spitball of tangled red hair and tee shirt.
But he never forgot the other side of his job either. He was known to spot things like, “Shirley on Row 17 just told that customer the wrong way to towels and linens. Edith, get down there, and intercept. Tell him the right way. We could miss a sale.”
Nobody sang the “Hail to thee, sweet Circle,” or did the Circle cheer better than Palmer Bettendorf early in the morning when all of the employees gathered. No, Palmer didn’t miss much when it came to store promotion, security or booster enthusiasm. But then, a mistake doesn’t become a failure until it goes unnoticed.
It was Dick Sweetie who first saw her. She came in through the Circle lobby with the big orange stripes arranged “to bring them in.” She easily pumped along on high heels down the opening aisle that channeled them down past the food concessions. Then her cellular phone apparently rang.
She stepped out of the aisle, brushing back her heavy frosted hair, to step into the dining area, reach into her purse, and pull out the phone. She put a hand to the other ear as if trying to hear, then pulled a chair right out of the dining area into the entry aisle. Then she sat in the chair, yanking down a couple of hitches on her short skirt, smiling, and having a conversation on her cell phone right there.
“Sir, Sir,” called Dick Sweetie to Palmer Bettendorf, “we have an ear-hanger sitting right in the main aisle.”
“In the main aisle? No, that isn’t done. That would be impolite even for Circle shoppers who push and grope at discount bins, even though at Circle, we love them all,” said Palmer.
Palmer went on-camera too.
“There she is, Sir,” said Dick, “right there with the legs of the chair between pizza and three-for-a-dollar candy bar special.”
“You’re not looking at her legs right here on security camera, are you, Dick?”
“I’m trying not to, Sir, but they just sort of stick out of her skirt so it’s hard not to see them. I’ll try to focus on her upper half. Oops, she’s kind of good looking up there too, Sir. Why don’t you just watch her. I don’t believe I’m up to unknown observation of the unusually attractive today.”
“Very well, but try to improve. I don’t want to have to enter ‘failure at impartial observation’ on your reports. Me, I can look at her, and think, she’s only another person with money, come to spend it at Circle.
“Do I ever have that right, Dick. Look at this little wallet she’s pulled out of her purse while she talks. There must be 10 credit cards there, and look, when she folds it, there’s a $100-bill sticking up.”
“Do you want me to go down, and ask her to move back into the dining area, Sir? People are circling around her chair. She’s distracting them. See, that guy didn’t look at pizza or candy bars trying to get around her legs. Oops, sorry, Sir.”
“No, we can’t ask her to just move when she obviously needed to be there for telephone reception with all of that money. Look, she has at least three rings on her wedding finger, and at least four more rings just on the same hand. Ah, her other hand has rings on it too.
“Moving on down, look there, Dick, her toes sticking out the end of her shoes. There’s at least three rings that I can see on her toes.”
“But, you didn’t really look at her body, right, Sir?”
“Of course not. I don’t notice that sort of thing. This is merchandising. Call Dinah in jewelry, and tell her to bring a locked display rack of glassed-in expensive rings right beside that woman as though she’s moving them somewhere. But then, tell her to leave for a minute so our lady gets a look at them.”
“Right, Sir. But, won’t that obstruct the aisle more?”
“Well, call candy, tell them to move the candy bars. We can’t risk sales of hundreds or thousands of dollars in jewelry for the sake of a few lousy candy bars. Once a ring lover, always a ring lover--I know my merchandising, Dick.
“Ah, she’s looking, she’s looking. Look there how she smiles, and touches her cheek while she talks. She’s getting up, yes, she’s getting up. Look at her look into that ring case, Dick. Oops, she’s looking around now. Quick, Dick, get Dinah back there.
“Ah, here’s Dinah. Amazing how the customer can have her open the ring case while still talking on the phone, isn’t it? Whoa, hang on here, Dick, I think we made a right choice.”
“Look, Sir, she’s looking at a ring.”
“At another ring too, Dick. She’s got three of them on her fingers already, and, my gosh, she’s still talking. Now, who’s this butting in.”
“Looks to be male subject, Sir, about 6-2, not a bad looking guy, kind of a cross between Dick Van Dyke and Arnold what-ya-ma-call’im terminator from California, like muscles with a longer nose. I could look that way too, Sir, if I was taller, and better looking.”
“You are what you are, Dick, a beloved Circle employee. He’s got to be a husband or boyfriend. She’s showing him the rings. Hey, he’s pulling out his phone too. Good night, they’re both yacking while they look at rings. He’s trying to get his wallet out too. Looks like he’s holding two or three rings, and so is she. Look at that stack of cash on him, Dick. That must be thousands of dollars.
“Sale, Dick, sale! We made a sale. He’s handing money and rings to Dinah. Now he’s following her around to a cash register. You know, she’s dressed quite expensively. Call Mary in women’s clothing, and tell her to bring a rack of her most expensive dresses down to set by her for a minute.”
“But the room, Sir. That’s the main aisle coming into Circle.”
“Well, call Pizza, and tell him to move his signs back. Get a couple of guys from the back room to help him move his counter back a little if you have to. This gal is big, really big.
“What’s this. Look, Dick. Some teenage girl has showed up with a shopping cart, and our lady is putting dresses into the cart. I guess the girl looks a little like Mom, but not nearly so well dressed in those jeans, huh? That’s six dresses. Wait a minute, she’s moving. The girl is putting the chair back into the dining area for her even though she’s still on the phone. Now, the girl is pushing the shopping cart behind her. Bonanza, Dick, our lady of the legs and the telephone is headed into the women’s department with a half-full shopping cart pushed by a daughter behind.”
“I thought we weren’t supposed to say legs, Sir.”
“Never mind, Dick. She’s a Circle customer. I’m loving every inch of her.”
“Just look at her fill that cart, Sir, all the time motioning to the girl to keep up while she’s talking on the phone too. This woman is a marvel.”
“Oh, there’s hats, a new coat, several blouses, go girl go. Ah, what’s she doing here. She’s handing the girl a Visa card with some kind of cartoon or animal on it, and a $50-bill. The girl’s taking the shopping cart to the front of the store, Dick. Looks like she’s just parking it there at the cash registers, and then heading out. Isn’t that sweet. Mom gave her $50 to spend herself--never forget to give your children values when they come to Circle, Dick. It’s your family friendly store.”
“At minimum wage and 22 hours a week, I can only afford to be a little friendly, Sir.”
“Don’t say things I might have to put in your reports, Dick. Ah, here comes that big lug of a husband of hers again, and he has a VCR in a shopping cart, still talking on the phone, too. They’re doing hand signals at each other while they still talk. She’s throwing a few more clothes in on top of the VCR, Dick. This is lovely.”
“Looks like they’re going to head back for electronics, Sir. Now he’s putting two more combination VCR-DVD players in the cart on top of the clothes.”
“Oops, she’s making him take the players out. That’s right, Darling, the clothes go on top in the load. He’s counting. She’s shaking her head, and holding up a finger to him while they both talk. Vera is listening from behind the counter, Dick. Call down, and ask her what they’re counting.”
“Vera says they seem to be counting the number of cable outlets in their house, Sir. Whoever the man is talking to on the phone is disagreeing, and now he’s asking ‘Do you mean I need seven television sets?’”
“Look, Sir, he’s headed for our largest plasma screen televisions.”
“Cha ching, cha ching, cha ching. You hear that cash register ringing, Dick? Tell Vera not to stand there on the phone with you like a chump. Get a couple of guys from out back with a platform wagon to load those televisions.”
“Look at ‘em load, Sir. Seven great big televisions. He’s put the VCR back. Now he’s having them put seven combination players on the load with the televisions. She’s putting the rest of the clothes on there too. That’s nearly $10,000 in sales, Sir.”
“Bingo, Dick, all because we showed a little tolerance for an ear hanger. Good boys, they’re taking the load through the back warehouse doors to the docks. OK, our couple is headed for the front of the store with their Circle merchandise printout, Dick. She’s headed to the restroom, still on that phone. There he goes, out the front doors to the parking lot, still on that phone too.
“There’s the daughter by the shopping cart of clothes at the cash registers waiting on Mom. Looks like she has a few sweat shirts over her arm. Now here comes Mom back to the shopping cart. She’s giving the daughter another $50. The girl is headed back a little just to the candy bars. Mom’s finally done on that cell phone, Dick, putting it in her purse.”
“Yes, Sir, and she’s headed back to that restroom again too.”
“That’s OK, Dick. At Circle the customer is always right, and every facility is provided to benefit them. Let the girl choose her candy bar. Let Mom take a moment before paying. Look out on the parking lot, Dick. Do you see Dad?”
“Max says he got into a big van, and drove back behind the store, Sir.”
“Good, that’s good. Let me look back there. Looks like the boys about have him loaded up. She’s taking quite a while in that restroom.”
“Even the daughter is looking at her watch, Sir.”
“Well, it’s only 15 minutes. Wait a while.”
“It’s 25 minutes now, Sir. There’s been a lot of ladies coming and going into the restroom, but no sign of her. Too bad we can’t see in there too.”
“Control yourself, Dick. I might have to put that in your reports.”
“The daughter is moving on, Sir. She’s headed back to toys it looks like. She didn’t even glance at their cart.”
“Probably tired of waiting. Ask Edith if she saw our lady on camera too.”
“She did, Sir. She knows exactly what she looked like.”
“Good. Ask her to go down to the restroom to see if she can tell what’s delaying our lady. How’s the van loading coming?”
“The guys said they finished that 15 minutes ago, Sir, and the fellow pulled back around front to meet his wife. Edith is back too. She said there was no sign of the woman.”
“Well, I have the girl on camera in toys. Tell toys to watch her so she doesn’t leave until we get down there.”
“Excuse me, Dear,” said Palmer to the girl who seemed to be looking at him out of big dead-pan eyes while she cracked her gum. “Were your folks coming back into the store?”
“Mister,” she said. “I didn’t know either one of those people. The lady just said she’d give me $50 to bring a shopping cart to her. Then I was to follow her with it while she filled it. I was to take it to the front, and disappear for a while. She was to give me another $50 to come back, and stand by it.
“Then I was supposed to look at the candy bars until I saw her leave the restroom, and go out the front of the store. She was the redhead in the sweat suit. She showed me the hair under her wig when she got out of the Jetta out front. Funny how they kept talking to each other on their cell phones.
“She told me you’d be coming down to see me, and she told me to give you this.”
It was a Donald Duck Visa card printed on heavy card to look real with the words, “You quacked me up,” printed on the back.
“Can I go check out now? I picked me out a few sweatshirts, and I really would like to get some candy bars.”
“Sweat suit, huh, Sir. It’s no wonder we didn’t recognize her.”
“How’s that, Dick?”
“Her legs were covered up.”
Ziz Zigler has had the reputation of being the best razzle-dazzle marketer in the business for forty years, making P.T. Barnum's "sell-the-sizzle-not-the-steak" approach look like the work of an amateur. But I don't think Zig ever put his heart into it like Palmer Bettendorf. The bar has been raised.
In fairness, Palmer and his staff can't be faulted for not spotting "legs" leaving the store 'cause they were still in the restroom. No way in hell were those legs going to exit the restroom without being closely observed. Very closely.
It's all perfectly understandable. Palmer is most likely still on the job. After all, Circle cares.
I'm checking the phone book right away to see if we've got a Circle store here in town. I've got a daughter with a great pair of legs, and we both have cell phones. I'm sure it's time for a new TV or something. Let me just download this story and take it with me. Nothing like having the operational blueprint handy. They'll never know what hit 'em.
Great story, Jerry. Lot's of fun and excitement.
Richard
I've used it many times before, but it is the only word that seems to fit. Delightful!
Having spent a few years in retail myself, I enjoyed this parody of the eager salesman.
I will come back and read this often.
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