The following is an excerpt of my new book from the chapter, "Women Do It Better." This chapter is unique in that it looks at cheating from two different perspectives. The chapter also goes into a brief discussipn of how critical it is to recognize that the one who betrays your trust will soon be among the betrayed. If you enjoyed this chapter, then you'll love the entire book.
It amazes me how many women there are out there who are actually engaged in down-low relationships. Usually when you hear someone being on the down-low, the first thing that comes to mind is heterosexual men who have intimate relationships with other men without their girlfriends, wives, or families knowing about it. But now, there is a new, more complicated breed of down-lowers--women in the homosexual community. They definitely have the down-low system on lock and are able to perpetrate several relationships at one time. They're able to juggle work, a family, and several relationships in a single bound. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that women are just naturally more cunning than men and are able to multitask a lot better than our male counterparts. Who knows?
In the past few years, I have heard some women refer to themselves as a "playa," "pimp," "hustler," and my favorite, "gangsta of love." Usually these terms are used by younger lesbians who do not yet realize or are completely oblivious to the fact that these self-proclaimed labels are neither complimentary nor endearing terms. Negative terms like these go beyond a person's age and extend to an entire group of people within the lesbian community. These are the people who take it upon themselves to step outside the confines of a monogamous relationship to entertain and satisfy their own selfish, egotistical curiosities. It is this group of people I feel I have an obligation to address at this moment for so many reasons.
Women who cheat begin and end each day being intimately involved with someone who is not their wife or girlfriend. They call each other in the wee hours of the morning or late at night hoping not to be discovered. They make it a point to hide in the bathroom, careful to turn on the shower so that their sleeping partner can't hear a word. They whisper when they talk to the outsider, but yell like they are in the middle of a rock concert when they're talking to everyone else in the world. When you're in the next room, they cover their head with a blanket and pillow just to engage in conversation with the outsider. With the convenience of unlimited text messaging, email, and instant messenger capabilities, these women will play out their fantasies, schedule a secret rendezvous, and exchange various cutsies all with the touch of a few buttons. I am so glad that technology has made it possible to bring these soaring, yet scandalous and unconscionable, love birds together! I'm overrun with such emotion. Please pass me a Kleenex.
Women cheat on their partners every day. Even as you read this book, there is a woman out there somewhere, perhaps in your town or in the apartment next door to you, who may have just experienced an overwhelmingly intense orgasm caused by someone who is not her wife or girlfriend even though she is in a relationship with someone else. There could also be a woman sitting at a local Starbucks cafe drinking coffee waiting for her blind date, a young sexy lady she spoke with on a chat line who claims she will be wearing a pink bow on the left side of her hair. She has to be careful, though. She doesn't want anyone to drive by and see her in the middle of the afternoon when she should be at work. Maybe there is a secret romance brewing right in your office between two people who claim they are just friends.
Unless we are absent from our mind in some fashion or another, we all recognize and accept the fact that people cheat on their wives or girlfriends all the time. The act is fairly common despite our beliefs that monogamy is one of the most important keys to a long, successful relationship and an excellent defense against sexually transmitted diseases. Nonetheless, our culture is slowly moving from the "until death do us part" approach to marriage and lifelong commitment to a mode of operation that is more appropriately defined by the phrase, "until caught in the act" (Barondess, p. 57). This definitely includes women in the homosexual and heterosexual community.
I still can't understand why people cheat. If you're not happy in a relationship, leave. If you want to see other people, admit your desires, sever any ties you have with your current wife or girlfriend, and go on about your business. Unfortunately, most women don't believe in doing things in an orderly fashion. They prefer to create chaos because that's the mindset they're in at the time. They like the adventure and excitement that comes with "playing the field." I know several women who are like this. They are so far removed from reality that to bring them back to the real world and show them the folly of their actions would be a challenge in itself.
Perhaps I'm asking too much. What's wrong with wanting to be done with one relationship before starting another? Nothing. However, you will find that many women enjoy the satisfaction they get out of cheating on their mates. They enjoy keeping their mates in the dark. They enjoy inflicting some level of pain or hurt on the person they're with. Sometimes it's just a matter of making someone jealous. Some women are just bitter and I will touch on this later. Some women feel they have found love in someone else. I say that, too, is bull.
When we think of someone cheating, it sometimes has to do with sexual gratification and lack of self esteem more than anything else. In her book, Gay Relationships, Tina Tessina suggests "while excitement about and strong sexual urges toward a lover can be simply a positive indication of physical and emotional attraction, they can also be signs of unresolved inner conflicts for which we are seeking resolution. We all fantasize about love, but for some of us the myth obscures the reality" (Tessina, p. 67). In other words, women who cheat are oftentimes disillusioned and get lust and revenge confused with love and moral responsibility.
Right now, I want to speak directly to the cheater and the so-called other woman or outsider. I hope that as you read these lines, you consider what I have to say. I don't expect anyone to confess to their mates that they cheated. I do expect you to at least be honest with yourself since you can't be honest with your mate.
I have to ask. Are you a coward? If you were not a coward, it wouldn't have been hard for you to say to your mate you want to see other people. Are you cheating because you're compensating for not being able to sexually satisfy your mate? Some people get off on being able to tell their friends they have two or three girlfriends. It makes them seem bigger than they really are. Is that you? Why are you afraid to be with just one person? Have you been so hurt in the past that you don't want to be faithful to anyone? Are you one of those women who enjoy having the safety and security of a stable relationship while enjoying the thrill of a younger woman? Perhaps you're just in a place right now where you want to take advantage of people before they take advantage of you. It could just be that you're selfish and lack any sense of moral responsibility. Isn't it hard trying to maintain some type of balance between your home life and that part of you that you share with an outsider? Do you ever get scared of getting caught? What would happen if you did get caught and your sweetie turned into some Lynn Whitfield type of character from It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate? The most important question is do you see yourself with the outsider in the next year or even five years? How much different do you think your life will be with this person as opposed to without her?
If you're the other woman, how would you feel if someone destroyed your relationship? How would you feel if someone was contacting your sweetie in the middle of the night or using your hard earned money to fund dinner dates and movie nights with someone else? How would you feel knowing the person you're creeping with was still being intimate with the person she cheated on to be with you? How would you feel if all of a sudden, you found out there is another woman? Would you be upset? Would you just brush it off as if you didn't care? My guess is that you don't care. Regardless of whether or not you have been abused, mistreated, or even cheated on in the past, what gives you the right to continue in that same mode of thinking that it's okay to disrupt lives? Has someone given you the authority to seek vengeance on your ex by inflicting the same type of dishonesty in someone else's relationship? What joy do you get out of possibly destroying a relationship? How does it benefit you to see one person being betrayed as a result of your words and actions? Are you, too, scared of being hurt and would rather inflict pain before it is inflicted upon you? Perhaps you are not mature enough, despite your age, to realize that what goes around comes around.
In the past few years, I have seen and heard so much along the line of cheaters. I've heard stories of people who have gone on dinner dates in the evening with one woman and attended a late night party with another on the same day. I've heard stories of how the other woman was upset that her sweetie was having sex with someone else in their home. One of my personal favorites is the story I heard about how the cheating girlfriend wanted her mate to pay certain bills while she continued to entertain the other woman. She had some nerve. Now that was a knee-slapper. I can't forget to mention the story about the young lady who was in a car accident and was badly injured. Her mate was notified, but where was she? Only she and God knew for sure. She never showed up as her girlfriend was being prepped for surgery. My guess is that she wasn't just stuck in traffic.
To you, it may be the "in" thing to cheat. It may mean the difference between you being hurt and you hurting someone else. Cheating, however, is not all it's cracked up to be. You must understand that any relationship that starts in chaos, dishonesty, and deception will ultimately be plagued by those same things and will eventually end the same way. If you are one of those cheaters who want to have sex with the other woman and the woman you cheated on, something is definitely wrong with you. For you, it's all a game. You want to see who will come out victorious. You enjoy being at the center of everyone's affection. You, my friend, are nothing shy of manipulative and cunning. You don't care about yourself, your body, or the position you put others in. You are essentially leading a double life, which requires much skill and quick thinking. According to Dr. Shirley Glass, it requires "managing the logistics, including erasing e-mails, hiding cell phones, camouflaging expenses; meeting sites have to be convenient but not places you will likely encounter people you know. The emotional effort of sustaining two relationships, neither of which can be totally authentic, is also difficult. Lying not only erodes personal integrity, it distances you from the person you are lying to--there are two people to deceive" (Glass, p. 59)
When you cheat on someone, you do more than just cause people not to trust you. You create an environment in which people may begin to completely resent you or, for lack of a better term, hate you. People tend to wonder why your personality and everything you do are completely different. Granted, sometimes change is good, but there is such a thing as changing for the worse. This is what happens when you cheat. You cause your friends to be put in the difficult position of covering for you when you want to sow your wild oats. You put them in the middle of your chaotic escapades. You cause family members to worry about you and wonder what happened to you. I recall speaking to one of my ex's family members just after our relationship ended. The family member was concerned about my ex's motives and the kind of predicament she had gotten herself into. She even admitted telling my ex that she's making a mistake and that she should try to make things right. But, we all know that when a cheater has it set in her mind to do what she wants, nothing can stop her. That's just the nature of the beast I suppose.
I can't make any of you not cheat on your mates, but at least consider how your actions will affect others. Don't be a coward or subject yourself to everyone thinking the worse of you. Don't get intimately involved with people just because you want to explore your sexuality while maintaining other relationships. If you love someone, or at least care for someone, be straightforward about your desires. Don't play games or string others along until it's convenient for you to tell the truth or until a situation comes up that seriously impacts the way others think of you. Remember, you can't create a relationship built on trust and commitment when it started out based on lies, sex, and dishonesty. Perhaps the most important thing I can say to you is that you must show others the same kind of respect you want shown to you. Personally, I have a hard time respecting anyone who couldn't respect me enough to at least be honest about her intentions. In my opinion, it's an irrational, selfish, imprudent, and loathsome person who will put someone through unnecessary turmoil just to satisfy her own sexual and emotional desires.
Here are a few more things I'd like to mention on the subject of infidelity. Infidelity is about more than just sexual encounters. You violate your commitment to your mate at any point you actively engage in kissing someone else, have oral sex with someone else, or even maintain inappropriate level of restraint with someone else. By this, you allow certain boundaries with other people to be crossed just enough to make you wonder "what if?" Infidelity is also about emotional intimacy as well. You allow yourself to get so caught up with sharing your personal thoughts, desires, and daily life activities with someone other than your mate because you feel more comfortable. This can be dangerous.
Here is one final note. If you have been betrayed by someone who cheated on you, it's okay to be angry, resentful, and bitter--at first. You will have to come to a point where you stop wallowing in your own self pity and not blame yourself for someone else's actions. If you have remained faithful to this person and have been honest in your dealings with this person, you have nothing to worry about. You will feel hurt for a while. You may even feel depressed or sad. But you must remember this. Your mate violated the basic tenets of a committed relationship, not you. Dr. Glass also states, "Life may appear to favor the deceitful partner, but in my experience, the abandoned partner often ends up with a better life than before" (Glass, p. 364).
So, after you have gotten over this situation, it's time to move on to greater things. You are now empowered with greater awareness and the knowledge that you will win in the end, not the person who betrayed your trust. It's time to look forward, channel your efforts to learning from the past, and take that information to your next relationship. However, do not let the problems with the person who betrayed you hinder you from being happy in your next relationship. Remember, you will be a much better person without that person in your life. I know I am happier and live a much more fulfilling life than I used to.
Women may do it better, but is that good? Sharon, you've offered a great view into a side of life many avoid. The constant that remains is that too many try to do it better with someone else. You've done a good job here and there is more that could be said.
I found the subgect sour to taste at 1st, due to much a installed victorian up-bringing. But having the focus to read on I actually ..liked your article.and ended up in agreement. so well done to you. Good pen! But" men do ,Do it just as well!!! just.. not as much. lol. be safe Steve.
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