Any relationship that outlives its expiration date has the potential to spoil your life. Sometimes we get so complacent in where we are and who we are with, that leaving that relationship is hard to do. The end result can be very unhealthy. This chapter deals with tossing "old milk" before it makes you ill. This is from my new book, Love and Liberation.
A few months ago, I decided to go to The Vision Church (TVC) in Atlanta to hear my pastor give one of his exciting sermons. It had been a few weeks since I last visited so I was anxious to get there. I was having a difficult week and needed to have some spiritual nourishment and fellowship from my church family. I knew I could count on a good word and fellowship from TVC because I had been receiving it every time I visited. After a few announcements and a little anecdote about him accidentally drinking milk that had spoiled in his refrigerator, the pastor said something that really amazed and puzzled me. It was also something I will never forget. Paraphrasing the pastor, any relationship that goes beyond its expiration date has the potential to spoil your life.
What in the world did he mean? I don’t confess to being the Einstein of my village as there are some things I just don’t understand despite the academic accolades that hang on my wall. There was something in his speech, however, that just didn’t make it to my brain for quick translation. It took a few minutes for me to understand the concept, but after a few more congregational “Amens” and “Uh-huhs,” I got it.
People are placed in our lives for only a set period of time and for a particular purpose. Sometimes they are in our lives for a lifetime and they may actually be our soul mates. Sometimes, they are in our lives for just a moment in time, but we are attracted to one another in such a way, that we become one in the same. Some people are in our lives to help us, hinder us, challenge us, and so on. Whether the purpose has a negative or positive connotation, there is always a set time period for them to be with us. It could be five minutes, five months, five years, or forever. We can not determine the time limit on our own. To go beyond that time period sets us up for what could be a dangerous fall and harsh lessons in life we may not necessarily be able to fully appreciate, but we are forced to learn. This actually happened to me.
I was in a relationship with someone I thought I would be with in my old age. We seemed right for one another and the time we spent together was, for the most part, enjoyable. At some point, the challenges began. There were moments in our relationship where we each questioned if we should continue or not. For me, I knew I wasn’t happy and that I wanted out for a long time. I was tired of the strain on our ability to communicate with one another. I was tired of the arguing. I was tired of the jealousy. I was, in fact, tired of her. But I stayed. I was forcing something to work that was not destined to be a lifetime commitment.
We’ve all had relationships that didn’t work. We put forth our best efforts and tried desperately to salvage what was left. Unfortunately, there comes a time when we have to say goodbye, or free ourselves from that relationship. The expiration date has arrived and it’s time to get rid of the old or replace it. What makes this a difficult task is when we’ve been in that relationship for a number of years. Sometimes life’s events prove themselves a gun aiming straight at our temple, forcing us to make quick decisions or subject ourselves to further disappointments and regrets.
Letting go of a relationship is done for many reasons and in many different ways. A person can let go by ending the relationship without cause. Perhaps one person is just not willing to be tied down to one person anymore. A relationship can be terminated due to infidelity, dishonesty, and mistrust. Financial worries, problems with intimacy, so-called friends, and a host of other reasons all play a part in the ultimate decision to end a relationship. Sometimes we just simply become bored with the person we’re with and are anxiously waiting for a way out of the nightmare.
Terminating a relationship is not always the worse thing that could possibly happen. Sometimes it’s best for both parties to have, if possible, an amicable separation. I was more than thankful one of my relationships ended. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how beneficial it was to me to not have this person in my life. She and I had been slowly drifting apart for a while. There were some serious issues that plagued our relationship. Despite my quiet state of unhappiness, I remained faithful to her. The expiration date for our relationship had long since passed, but I was still sipping on bad milk.
What causes us to stay in a relationship we don’t want to be in? For me, a part of it had to do with fear. I had some insecurities and I didn’t like the idea of facing the unknown alone. Would I be okay? Could I do this alone? So many questions inundated my mind and yet the answers came slowly and far between. I felt trapped because I didn’t know what to do. I quickly learned how to deal with my unhappiness by not confronting the source of my unhappiness. What I learned from this experience was that it was not the person I was with that I was trying to cling to. It was the security of that relationship that meant more to me. When it comes to moving on to new relationships, Maxine Schnall writes, “the loss of structure in the gap between the end of one phase…and the beginning of the next provokes intense anxiety, too. But you have to remember that structure is all you’ve lost—you haven’t lost your life” (Schnall, p. 112).
In many of my relationships, I liked the fact that someone else knew exactly what I liked on my burger. I liked the fact that I had someone to come home to each day. I liked the fact that someone, according to her own admissions, loved and cared for me. As problems became more and more prevalent in our relationship, those things were not enough anymore. I had to step away or continue to put my life on hold.
When you are ready to move on, you will know. It’s important to take the first step, but do it in a manner that is proper so that no one is hurt any more than she has to be. In one of my relationships, letting go was hard to do because I didn’t follow my own rules of disengagement, which I will discuss later. But, we all know that hindsight is 20/20. Even when I saw she was trying to have her cake and eat it, too, I still didn’t let go. Perhaps it was because I had spent too much time in the relationship. For the most part, I think it was because I was scared, but I’m not sure what I was scared about.
Going back to Pastor’s comments, I didn’t toss the old milk. Instead of tossing the milk that had obviously gone past its expiration date, I tried to extract some goodness therein. I smelled the unpleasant odor. I knew the expiration date had passed, but I continued to hold on to that milk for a few more weeks. To me, it didn’t taste spoiled; my mouth didn’t pucker up as if I had tasted a tangy lemon. It didn’t look spoiled. It didn’t say “don’t drink me” past a certain time. All it said was “drink me, and I will satisfy your thirst.” In my mind, it was still Mayfield in the yellow one-gallon plastic container with the little brown cow on the front label.
I should have let her go. I should have discarded her the minute I saw changes beginning to happen. I should have heightened my senses in such a way that I could recognize that while this looks good and tastes good and feels good, this woman is not right. We reached our expiration date, but I didn’t move on to new milk soon enough. When you continue to stay in a relationship that has gone past its expiration date, you can become ill in your body as if you did drink a container of bad milk. If you stay in that relationship long enough and are unhappy and miserable, feelings of resentment, anger, disappointment, and isolation can be manifested in a number of ways. You may experience frequent headaches, chest pains, loss of sexual desire, and other ailments. You may even find it difficult to talk to one another or be in the same room with one another. You may not want to talk to her on the phone as every phone call is an interruption in your daily moment of peace and tranquility. For me, it was more enjoyable to enjoy a quiet lunch alone than to call my sweetie just to say hello. Feelings like these are not healthy and should be immediately addressed.
You must leave a bad relationship before it buries you. You must deal with your fears and reservations in such a way that you are able to recognize the fact that leaving is the best alternative and will minimize the emotional stress and bodily ailments you may be experiencing. When you continue to stay in a relationship you no longer want to be in, everything can become a much greater strain including conversation and intimacy. All that is required for you to do is just take the first step. Ask yourself one question. Is it better for you to feel hurt and pain in your body by staying with someone you don’t want to be with or is it better to take your chances and experience fresh milk somewhere else? I don’t know about you, but I would rather enjoy the freshness of a new, more positive relationship rather than be stuck somewhere I don’t belong. Think about what’s more important to you and go for it. Once you become too comfortable in the relationship, leaving it makes things more difficult.
Everyone grows at different levels and leaving them! YOU just know in your heart! In my heart, I go by Love and RElationships, for a REASON, a Season or a LifeTime! and it's true, if you think of everyone around you and for how long, they are with you or in your heart deeply!
I liked this short story of honesty!
WE "must" go through SAD, and weakening moments, to strengthen us! I know I have! If you read in my "Poems" about #55 or so down, "My Mom's Husband" BEWARE, strong and blunt but HONEST! and about #44 or so down, "The Name DAD Should be Love" and I have others, and uplifting too, but, the torture brought me through to the light! but you know... In your story and the pastor speach, Expiration date of the relationship at hand, my feelings is how do YOU KNOw, you feel it, and you know it hONEstly! and you feel you can no longer GROW in that relationship and you feel distant and the relationship just ends inside, I could say more but not writing a book! LOL - YOu wrote all your feelings out, really well here. ONE word I find in all relationships is "RESENTMENT" and that can build, if you allow it - Or get out while you still can, so your soul doesn't fester!
STay Positive!
STay SAFE!
Happy and Healthy!
WArmed in Inner Peace, LOVE, Light and Wisdom! Warrior Purple Lady Sheeeoox
Always! Believe in your 1st. Instinct, and FOLLOW It! I do, and it works! FAITH and HOPE= LOVE
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