You people are making me work. I've been able to get Phydoux to share his thoughts about Obedience School. You'll find he has some good points.
OBEDIENCE SCHOOL IS GOOD.
Some have asked me about obedience school. They seem to think dogs would detest it. Actually, the opposite is true . True, it takes time which we could be sleeping or chewing on something valuable. It interrupts our cats chasing games. We have to give up our hole digging in the backyard. But it is really time well spent.
The reason we favor it is very simple. It gives our owners some responsibility. It really should be called “Pet Owner Obedience School.” Think about it! Who makes the changes? The owner does. We finally get them to act in a way which makes things better for us. They have to think about what we want.
So let me suggest things which should be included in obedience schools. If we dogs were in charge here are some thing for the curriculum:
SCHEDULES: There are certain things that need to be included for the pet owner. For example, they need to learn to work around our schedule rather than theirs. The whole household is presently determined by the adults in the house. The schedule of their “so called” jobs sets the day. Because they have to get away early to work, they expect us to go out and relieve ourselves at their convenience rather than what our body is saying. I don’t want to go out when it’s dark. In the winter it is dark when they go to work and dark when they come home. Both times we have to go outside in the dark. If they really loved us they would schedule their job about our needs.
Potty time: Speaking of winter, do they realize what that cold snow feels like on our sensitive feet? Obedience school needs to tell them to carry us out so our feet don’t get cold. The same is true when it’s raining. I hate wet feet! Carry me! They are no better than we are so when we are out in that cold, they should stay outside rather then let us out and stay inside where it’s warm.
WALKING: The owners let us out in the yard and then sit their lazy butts down and watch us run around. Once in a while they play that stupid game of “fetch.” They think that will get us some exercise. If we get tired and want to lie down, they yell at us and tell us to get moving. Forget it! They should put us on a leash and get us out on the sidewalk. Let us see the neighborhood. Let us smell where other dogs have been. Let us poop in the neighbor’s yard. We get tired of the back yard. We are adventurous. But, the main reason for walking is that they need some exercise. If they got out and walked it would relieve their stress and they wouldn’t have to yell at us all the time. If they lost a few pounds there might be a little space on their lap for us to rest.
COUNSELING: I’ve watched my owner so smugly watch me run around the yard. He watches like he knows what we are going to do and why we are doing it. I’ve heard my owners psychoanalyze me with each other. “Phydoux does that because he was the oldest of the litter.”
“Phydoux chews on your shoes because you always accuse him of being under foot.” “He is barking just to get your attention.” People — you’re the ones that need the analysis. You’re the ones who talk to us like we are babies. I hate that! You’re the ones who think we like to have funny looking clothing placed on us. I’m not a clown and I never want to be a clown. Makes me want to run away with the circus.
FOOD: People don’t understand food. Before you kidnapped us and made us stay with you, we used to run around getting our food where we could find it. I never chased grain! I don’t like grain! I don’t like additives – that’s what you’re supposed to add to the crankcase of your car. We chased rabbits and chickens and things like that. And we ate them right there. Who asked you to cook them for us? And you won’t let us gnaw on the bones. We might get choked – give me a break! I’d like to see you chew on some rubbery thing that has no taste.
And what’s wrong with pizza? It has meat. We like it too. Some of us are even Italian. Chinese food is different. You can have it. Rice is grain! Actually, if you’d give us the kind of food you eat, we could be fat like you are. Then when we go for a walk we wouldn’t be always running ahead of you.
And this water thing. You want us to drink water. Have you ever thought we might like to have a beer? We might even like a Bloody Mary if it wasn’t for the celery. How could it hurt us? Have you ever seen a drunk dog? Have you seen a dog ticketed for DWI? Those initials in our world mean “dogs with injuries.”
Well, I might add to this dissertation about Obedience School. That’s enough for you to think about for now. I doubt that you can get the course certified because all those who certify school have dogs as well. They wouldn’t give it a fair hearing.
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Reviewed by chris stienstra
9/15/2007
Larry,
Keep em coming! You really should do something with this series. It is the funniest I have read in a long time.
Thanks for the laughs and smiles
My very best
Chris
Dear Phydoux,
My mistress sent me to obedience school when I was very young. I should tell you that I come from the clan known as miniature Dachsuns. We make lots of noise but are really quite docile.
It seems my mistress wanted me to learn the fine art of behavior in a human world, which seemed silly but I played her silly game.
The first night at obedience school I was 86'd...kicked out! I was totally surprised. The reason given was that I showed my teeth, and this frightened the teacher.
I'm at a loss as to what I should have done, afterall, if we are misbehaving, isn't obedience school suppose to cure us?
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