It's just me. Rebekkah Rachel. I hope you don't mind my writing in here, but I am bored. I have had a trying week, what with therapy, therapy, and...more therapy! I am so sick of therapy I could spit nails!! GRRR!
I have heard rumour that my boyfriend Johnny is sick. I hope and pray it isn't anything serious, anything to do with his heart or breathing. I will have to e-mail his mom Louisiana, to see what's going on. I know something must be wrong with Johnny coz I feel it in my gut.
Johnny's muscular dystrophy has gotten a lot worse; I wonder what he'll be like the next time I see him. I know he wouldn't be well enough to be able to come to England; so it looks like I'd have to go to him if I want to see him.
I wonder if he'll have to breathe with a ventilator; gosh, I hope not! Seeing him on oxygen prongs is bad enough!!
Speaking of sick, I saw Susie last week. No change in her condition. She is hanging on, but barely, and it breaks my heart. I don't know why she did this to herself. She could have had the peace of the Lord in her life, but no, she chose to dwell on her problems; now look where it's gotten her.
It's enough to make me want to cry! Especially since I nearly joined her; what was I thinking; how stupid could I possibly be?? Life isn't that bad; I have too much living left to do; I don't want to die by suicide; suicide is the easy way out, only cowards choose suicide, and besides, once you do it, you can't come back! Suicide is so---final!
I have been talking to my psychologist, Dr. Gemstone (that's his real name; don't laugh!), and he's been really nice. He doesn't treat me like a patient; he treats me like the human being I am. I appreciate that; there's nothing I hate worse than doctors who treat you like you don't know anything!!
He is glad I am journaling; he told me that is an important step towards my inner healing. He told me to keep it up. He read some of what I have written, and he is very impressed; says I should write a book about my experiences.
Hmmm. I think I might do that; thanks for the tip, doc! :)
But HOW to get started?? I have no clue, whatsoever!! Guess I will have to get some books on writing or talk to my friends Louie and Ronee' Sandusky; both have written books, so they know about writing!
The weather has been warmish, but not too bad. Patchy conditions some days, on others rain. I wish it'd cool off soon, I am ready for some cooler temperatures.
Since almost doing myself in, I obviously haven't been to school, looks like I will be out of school for a while until my health issues are straightened out. I will have to have mom teach me instead once I am well enough. I have been homeschooled, and I sometimes think this is better; don't have to put up with all the crazy shenanigans that regular schools have!
I also can pray in homeschool and talk about God, something I couldn't get away with in public school. Sad. Yet the schools teach on evoluton, and I'm sorry, but I'm not descended from no da** monkey!! That's bullhanky!!
I tried to e-mail Ronee', no answer. I wonder if she's mad at me. I will have to ask her mom what's going on with her; I hope SHE isn't sick!
I also tried to e-mail my friend Paxton Gebhardt. I met her last year and she and I hit it right off. She's younger than me, only ten to my fourteen, but she is very sweet. Maybe she will e-mail me back; sure hope so! It's kinda' nice to meet someone else who has the same thing as I do; that way I don't feel like such a freakazoid!
It's not easy living with this, pain insensitivity disorder. Look where it got me. Amputation of both legs, infections that don't clear up, the frustration of having to be poked and prodded repeatedly by doctors until I feel like I'm a piece of meat about to be tenderized! It's embarrassing! No, it's more than that: it's mortifying!!
I talked to mom; she is coping the best way she could, but the babies are keeping her hopping, and she's still worried about my little brother Danny's worsening Duchenne's. I don't know how she does it; I'm afraid she's on the verge of an emotional breakdown, and that's one thing I DON'T need in my life right now!
Also, her ataxia is worsening: speech is becoming affected, she tries to say something, and she starts stuttering until she gets it out. Sometimes it takes her up to five minutes to get four words out, and it's very upsetting to see her body betraying her like this. She's also using a wheelchair in public, and at home, she uses canes. Sometimes she's fallen; one time she was visiting me and she fell. Timber!! Scared me and the nurses halfway to death! Luckily she wasn't hurt, only very ashamed of herself.
She cried. So did I. I hate it when mom falls; what if she fell while carrying Danny or the babies?? It's all too horrible to think about!!!!
I have been reading "Funky Winkerbean" in the funny papers; but alas: it's not so funny. The one character ("Les Moore")'s wife "Lisa" is dying. She has terminal cancer that's spread throughout her body; she's now bedridden in a hospital bed, and she's on nasal oxygen. She sleeps a lot. Yesterday Les was reading the funnies to her. It was sweet, but it was also very sad. I wish the cartoonist could make Lisa survive, but I guess he wanted to make his readers see what people with cancer go through; it's rather depressing, but eye opening, too. Death is as part of life as life itself, or so I've heard.
So true . So very true .
My mind's going nuts. Disjointed isn't the WORD for my mind lately! It's so full I don't know what will come out next. It's weird! Ever since I started seeing Dr. Gemstone all these pent up emotions have been pouring out, and I get all sorts of weirdness going on in my brain! Maybe I AM crazy; I don't know, but my moods are wild! One minute I'm happy, laughing, joking around; the next I'm bawlin' my eyes out!
Especially when I think of Lisa Moore or my buds Susie and Johnny! Every time I see them in my mind's eye I cry like a big boob! And Lisa Moore ain't even REAL!! She's FICTIONAL!! It's NUTZ!!!
Well, it's time to put this back to bed, go talk to Dr. Gemstone. I see him in less than fifteen minutes. Take care, and I will write in here again. Hopefully I'll have better news regarding the people I mentioned, Lord I hope so!
It is like the writings of a poet with multipersonalities, each one trying to tell us something, the bad with the good, perhaps all of them to teach us a little more of love and humanity.
Georg
A page-turning novel about a relationship between best friends that is interrupted because of betrayal , deceit, sexual promiscuity and pregnancy happens!
