As a child I went to a Catholic school where the nuns taught about God's wrath and the torments of hell.
Not being religious, my mother did not adhere to God's rules.
"Jesus Christ!" she yelled when angry.
"Don't say that, Mom. You'll go to hell!" I pleaded.
"That's okay; all the interesting people are there," she'd counter.
Hell started to look more attractive, especially if heaven meant being stuck with the nuns without my family.
When a friend invited me to Sunday school, I accepted out of curiosity. The solemn church atmosphere and the sermon about the fires of hell scared me. I never went back.
I married Jeff a tax lawyer from New York City in my early 20s. He left the Catholic Church in his teens and called himself an atheist. Uncertain about God's existence I was agnostic. Neither Jeff nor I could relate to the image of an angry God in the sky that created people knowing most would join Satan's hellish home. This judgmental God saddened me, as He sounded either sadistic or impotent.
When my marriage ended seven years later I started counseling children at a Mental Health Center and joined a hiking club.
My life forever changed when I went on a three-day solitary trip into the mountains in my early 30s. I went backpacking expecting a recreational experience; instead I had a spiritual awakening.
Strolling downstream to a waterfall, I sat cross-legged on a flat rock next to the whirling water. Everything fascinated me¾the sparkle of light in the gurgling river, the tiny minnows darting against the current, the soft green cushion of rock moss and the strong pungent smell of the earth.
The sun slipped out from behind silver clouds filling the forest with golden shafts of light. Staring spellbound I allowed my thoughts to turn to how I'd spent most of my thirty years taking care of day-to-day routines and not paying attention to life's bigger mysteries.
To my surprise, I asked, "God, if you exist, please let me know you!" Seeking some unfathomable face, I closed my eyes.
Like a heart-stopping explosion, a presence of intense love in the form of dazzling white light entered the top of my head and radiated out through my heart. The feeling was so encompassing it was like being bathed in an ocean of ecstasy.
Bursting with bliss, I broke into violent sobs. All my life I had searched for love from others, and here it was welling up within and around me. The love was so powerful and unconditional; my heart surged with joy. Everything looked holy: the river, the trees, and the plants. I suddenly saw how the earth was a sacred temple.
Feeling one with God, the trees, water, mountains, and sky I knew we were all of one energy and we were all connected. There was no doubt in my mind. I had experienced the presence of a God—not a big daddy in the sky but a loving energy permeating everything.
I left the mountains trembling in a state of euphoria. Knowing I was part of a larger field of life, time moved with new meaning.
Upon my return home I realized the effects of my encounter with God were far reaching. My eyes grew wide in wonder like a child's for the world seemed fresh and new. I lost my fear of death, and since I no longer felt alone, I began to take more risks in my work as a counselor and in the community.
When I became frustrated, I reminded myself: "God is the doer. I am merely a channel." The more I learned to submit to God, the more I noticed that what I needed was provided. Believing that each person's life has a purpose and that God's Spirit works through all of us, I decided there was no time to be self-conscious.
People also seemed different. Those who had once looked at me with indifference now looked at me with fondness. Finally, I realized it was I who had changed as deeper levels of love flowed through me. The more I learned about myself, the more compassion I had for others.
To understand why I had not met others who had encountered God in the wilderness, I began studying everything I could find on religion and spirituality: Christianity, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam and Native American Spirituality.
Hinduism’s belief in reincarnation (we have many lives) and karma (we reap what we sow) helped me understand why a loving God would allow suffering in the world.
Since we all have good and bad qualities I could not understand how a loving God would give us only one life to learn our spiritual lessons.
Jesus' life and teaching about unconditional love blew me away. I could see why his birth changed western history to Before Christ (BC) and After Death (AD). He said to love our enemies, bless them that curse us, love our neighbor like ourselves and to help others less fortunate. He warned, "Judge not lest you be judged" and talked about those who go around with trees in their eyes looking for splinters in their neighbors eyes.
Jesus invited all people to come to him and said, "The truth will set you free."
I now believe Jesus came to the earth to remind us of our divinity and showed us the way to a deeper love.
Jesus' teachings make it difficult to understand the judgmental, self-righteous Christians I sometimes met.
However, it was the Native American traditions that helped me understand my spiritual awakening in the mountains. They talk about the Great Spirit that moves through all things and how all life is sacred and a part of one mother, the Earth, and one father, the Great Spirit. They believe we are given knowledge and wisdom when we are in harmony with nature. I discovered the vision quest, an ancient tradition used to connect with the Great Spirit.
After learning about the vision quest, I saw my spiritual birth in the wilderness from a new perspective. Without knowing it, I had experienced my own form of a quest.
A quest involves spending from one to forty days sitting alone in a ten-foot circle in the wilderness. No food, and in some traditions no water, is allowed. The goal is to purify the heart and body for a clear vision of our purpose on earth. In some cultures a quest is a required rite of passage to learn how to best serve the community.
It fascinated me that many of our great spiritual teachers did a vision quest before they started their ministry. Christ went into the wilderness for forty days and nights to fast and pray before he began His ministry. Buddha spent six years alone in the forest and later with a band of ascetics, practicing self-control and self-denial before his enlightenment under a fig tree. He then went back into the world to teach for forty-five years. Mohammed spent fifteen years meditating in a cave, sometimes all night, before he heard the voice of Allah and wrote the Koran, the Moslem Bible. His writing was a miracle since he had never gone to school and could barely write his name.
My encounter with God in the wilderness changed my thinking to a more ecological spirituality and made the earth's history and her story of great interest.
I now believe all people Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Islamic, Jewish or nonbelievers need to meditate on the history of humankind, the Earth and the universe. Our galaxy, the Milky Way, has over 100 billion other stars (suns) and is only one among 100 billion galaxies in the universe. God is not 4.5 billion years old like the earth. We are not the first to be made in God's image. God's Spirit is in the whole of creation and everything is sacred and has divine power. We need to take care of Mother Earth and her inhabitants and see the beauty, wonder and grace of God’s creation.
The Western tradition looks down on nature by emphasizing original sin. It is an insult to God, the creator of our 13.7-billion-year-old universe. The concept of sin originated with 1.7 million-year-old man. I believe the Second Coming of Christ will not be the bodily return of Christ but the dawning consciousness of the divinity of the planet. Connecting with the body of the earth is our birthright and our salvation.
You can read more about Niki Collins-Queen's story in her memoir "Earth, the Forgotten Temple: A Spirit Quest in the Wilderness."
