My wife, M'buti, is NOT a fan of rides. Not by a LONG SHOT.
I think it's because she's been permanently traumatized since last year (August), when I, Roberto Sormiento, and M'buti took a trip to Sandusky, Ohio, from Nashville, Tennessee (where we live). Cedar Point was just about the BEST amusement park on the planet (and I'm sure many people who HAVE been there can agree with me. It was AWESOME!!!!)
It DIDN'T help that I'd suckered her into riding the biggest roller coaster in the entire world--"Millennium Force", which is a mind-boggling 310' tall at its highest point. (The big hill.)
"Oh, it's NOTHING to worry about, 'Buters," I reassured her (hoping that she wouldn't read between the lines; I'm sure my eyes had a bit of a mischevious twinkle at the time!), "It will be over even before you know it! Sure, it's high, but haven't you been on Mount Kenya? Or flown on a plane--which I happen to know you HAVE?? Planes--and Mount Kenya--go MUCH HIGHER than any li'l ole roller coaster, even BIG ones!!"
(I neglected to tell M'buti that planes don't go up and down--at least, we HOPE not----)
After MUCH convincing, I talked M'buti into riding "Millennium Force" with me. I promised her I'd hold her TIGHT, and I also told her to shut her eyes if she got scared during any point of the ride.
SOUNDED easy enough----
Whereupon, I pushed M'buti in her wheelchair, and, once at the entrance of the ride, I picked her up into my arms, and I carried her (I had told a park employee to watch over my wife's wheelchair while we were on the ride); and we made our way to the loading/unloading station.
Once in our seats (FRONT ROW, mind you), we were then checked over (belts buckled, lap bars down all the way, etc.), to make sure everyhing was in order (which it was). The guy loading the ride gave a hearty "Thumbs Up!" signal to the guy at the ride's controls, and soon, we were off like a rocket. We were soon ascending the big hill.
M'buti saw the immense size of the hill looming in front of us, and she literally freaked. I think her blood pressure rose a few points (like to 2; she has a bit of a problem with excessively low blood pressure and passes out if it drops too rapidly). She started pounding on me with her little fists, and she began yelling in her high, breathy voice,"GET ME OFF--NOW!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO RIDE!! I DON'T WANT TO RIDE THIS THING!!!!!!"--in Swahili. Her eyes were absolutely HUGE, and they were turning a bright burnt sienna (a combination of fear and anger caused her eyes to turn this color; normally they were amber).
She was NOT amused.
We were soon FLYING down the hill--at 92 miles an hour. Faster than any cheetah with his butt on fire!
It was absolutely AMAZING!!!!
My wife was absolutely HOARSE by the time we returned to the station. But she was absolutely scared spitless. She was ashen in color, sweat poured down her thin face like rain, and she was shaking like a leaf. She was TERRIFIED. And--she was NOT HAPPY.
Meanwhile, I laughed my head off. I had a BLAST. It was everything I'd imagined it would be--and MUCH more. This roller coaster ROCKED. This roller coaster fanatic DEFINITELY rated it a SOLID 10++ on a scale of 1-10.
As soon as we got off, M'buti went limp in my arms. She went out like a light. She had fainted in my arms.
"Oh, CRAP!!" I yelled. "GET FIRST AID!! TELL THEM MY WIFE'S PASSED OUT GETTING OFF 'MILLENNIUM FORCE!!!!'"
It was embarrassing, but it was also quite frightening, as her reaction had been so unexpected. (To MOST people, anyway--I knew how to handle her "fainting episodes.") I'm sure her blood pressure hovered near 0.
Once in the first aid station, and once on oxygen, M'buti began to recover from her shock--and, once on her feet, she managed to call me every dirty name in the book. She called me everything but a "white woman."
She has NOT forgiven me almost a year later. And I DON'T think she EVER will, ever since I had suckered her into riding the ride
known as "Millennium Force." Ever since then, she REFUSES to ride ANY ride, no matter HOW gentle. Her reason? I had lied to her (SHE says). Even now, watching ANY show featuring roller coasters makes her sick to her stomach.
But they suit me just fine. The scarier the roller coaster, the better I like it (and the more I want to ride).
Hmmm. Wonder if I can talk M'buti into riding Cedar Point's newest white-knuckle thriller, "Wicked Twister"?
Homer's Ill Iliad & Odd Sea Odyssey (420 pages) is an adult satire/parody rewrite of the classic stories of the 10 year Trojan War and of the 10 year adventure of Odysseus trying to return home to his native Ithaca.
