I can’t believe you did that!!!!

I looked at the two inches of water lying in my washroom.  In the water with a wrench in his hand was my dear husband.  He was soaked.  The washer was completely turned around as he was “fixing it”   Out of nowhere came Jack, my cat, his gray fur soaked with water as let out a very loud “meow,” and hightailed it out of there.  Before the cat left, he shook his head and got water all over my pants.   I said to my husband, “Why didn’t you call a plumber like I asked you?  Earlier in the day I had done a load of laundry.    There was a small leak on the floor.  My husband saw it and had a gleam in his eye.  I remember right before I left, I looked at him, reading his mind, I said very slowly, “Call a plumber; don’t try to fix this yourself.”  I said, “I’m going to get groceries, please, please, let that alone.”  “Yes, dear”, he lied. I grabbed my keys off the TV, and started out the door.  The car wouldn’t start right away.  Before, I left, I saw Gary running, almost tripping over his favorite “Archie Bunker type chair”.   He went outside next to my Dodge Stratus, and said, “Let me see it babe”.  Just than it started, and like lightening, I backed out of the driveway.   Heaven forbid he should touch my car!   He had some kind of strange inkling he was “Mr. Fix It”   Nothing was further from the truth.  I remembered the kitchen disaster, the bathroom disaster, and part of the roof falling in.  No, he was not Mr. Fix it, he was Mr. “Look, out, I’m coming!”

I came home from the store, mumbling about all the rude drivers.  After putting the groceries on the table, I  headed straight for the washroom.  All the time I was gone, I felt something like this would happen.  Call it woman’s intuition or experience.  I looked at the two inches of water, and suddenly, “Gush”  The water main had broken and the water was flooding his face, and everything else.  “Uncle!” he cried and somehow managed to turn the water off.  He got up from the floor and headed toward the hallway.   I put my hands on his chest before he could move, and said “one step buster, and you’re a dead man!”  The last thing I needed was him tracking mud all through the house. I made him take his clothes off right there.   I gingerly took his mud soaked tennis shoes to the kitchen sink.  I got a towel to wash his feet before he could move.  He headed toward our Master Bedroom’s bathroom to take a shower.   After he left, I looked at the awful mess.  I looked at the washroom where Noah’s ark was sailing.  I couldn’t do much about except put some towels down getting most of it; and hung my head to cry.

I than got my bearings went to the living room phone to call the plumber.  He told me he’d be right over.  And he was, two hours later.  By than, the water from the washer had seeped onto my brand new shag blue carpet.   Gary came out of the shower all clean and dry and looked down at the rug.  He looked at me with his biggest blue puppy dog eyes, and hung his head like a little child.  He said, “Gee babe, I’m awfully sorry.”  He looked so sweet.  Than I looked back at the carpet and washroom and knew I had a decision to make.   Murder or divorce! 

The doorbell finally rang.   It was the plumber.  He said, “What’s the matter Mrs. Anderson, you seemed awful upset on the phone”.  I folded my arms and said, “You could say that”   My husband took him into the washroom to explain what he had done. “Do you see this hose?”  my husband said to the plumber? I tried to fix it, but the water kept leaking.”   He looked at my husband and said, “You didn’t take these two pieces apart did you?” with a “how could you be so dumb” look on his face.  My husband said, “Of course I did, the thing was leaking, that’s what I had to do.” The plumber put on a new hose to replace the one my husband had cracked.  He than moved the washer back in its proper place.    He than said to both of us, “Do you ever use hot water?” 

I said , “ Certainly”  He than almost laughed, and said, “Look behind the washer.  See this faucet?  If you had tightened it, you would never have had a problem.  It would have taken half a second.”

I threw all my husband’s toys away.  “Mr. Fix It” died that day.

                                   Mary E. Lacey
                                          2008