Friday, August 15, 2008, 10:47 a.m., D.S.T., Nashville, Tennessee~

Dear Journal~

Louie here.  Sorry if I am writing again, but I just had to vent, let things off my chest.

Since finding out that my friend in Alaska, Sikik Eegeesiak, is dying, I haven't really felt like doing much of anything; been too upset, worried about her, whether she is saying that to pull my leg, or if it's really true .  I don't want to think about her dying; she's too young, full of life; it isn't like Sikik to give up like this!!

I still have to answer her letter; to tell  you the truth, I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing, end up hurting her.  She is such a sensitive soul, with a tender spirit about her, and I am afraid that if I say the wrong thing, I'd end up killing her, and I don't think I could live with that if that were to happen.

Also, work has been a nightmare, an absolute nightmare, lately:  have been working as much as twelve hours a day, doubles, covering other nurses' shifts; it seems that I've been living at the hospital more than in my very own house.  I barely see my family anymore, and unless I get phone calls, I don't really know what's going on with them.  It's like I'm turning into a complete stranger in their eyes, and it really bothers me.

I know we need all the extra money we can possibly get, but this is getting rediculous!  Do my bosses think that I'm a slave or something, that they can use me, abuse me, work me to death?? 

I've also been dealing with inadequate help, lazy, shiftless co-workers, belligerent or difficult patients, people dying on me when I least expect it, and bills coming out the wazoo.  If anything else happens, I think I am going to go insane!!

When I am home, the kids hang around me, won't give me a moment's rest.  And to think that next week, a new child is coming into our home, a little boy with autism.  Just what I don't need; already have one autistic/multiply handicapped child in my stead, and he's a handful as it is.  Why have another one like Roberto in my home??  That's just asking for trouble.

Problem is, I saw Billy Ray's face online, and in the photo the foster care system sent to me, and my heart melted.  I could not say no.  Now we have a new foster child coming, and he's a regular handful, according to his caseworkers.

Between the babies needing my care, the multiply handicapped kids needing to be fed, medicated, diapered, dressed, bathed, et. al., dispensing medications to the kids who need them, making sure they follow their treatment plans to the letter, trying to help with getting needed school supplies together and ready for the start of yet another school year, loading/transporting kids to/from their doctor's appointments, sporting events, or recitals, or caring for my elderly parents, I am lucky if I get five hours of sleep a night. 

I am so tired, I am about to fall over.  I know I should take a break, but my family needs me, and I need to be there for them, take care of them as things develop.

When any of the kids end up in the hospital (be it Johnny, Jodie, Todd, Emir, Arjun, Rani, Ronee', et. al), things get even crazier.  I'm usually camped out at Camp Nashville Mem (Nashville Memorial Hospital or Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, depending on where they go to), spending most of my time with the sick one while the rest of the family is left at home, to fend for themselves.  I feel like I've abandoned them, and I feel like a failure as a wife, mother, caretaker.

I know they understand that I need to be with the sick child (or at least, I'm HOPING they do!); however, I need to be there for the well members of my family too, make sure they have all that they can possibly need, so they can get through the days ahead.

Well, I am going to get something to eat before all the good stuff is gone, and all there's left are items to be picked over.  I will write in here again, probably in a few days or so.  I know I wrote less than five days ago, but as I said at the start of this thing, I had to vent.  Things have been *crazy* in my world!!

Just keep me in your prayers, pray for strength, peace, inner healing, encouragement.  Believe me, I can use all the prayers I can possibly get!

Take care and God bless you!  Talk to you again another time!

~Love, your friend in Tennessee, Louie May. :(