Alzheimers Disease in the Family

  I visited my parents up north, at their home. They seemed happy to see me but their faces had blank stares. The apathy of being tired and old, having the feeling that they no longer have worth, A dearth of feeling, common among the elderly. They almost looked as though they were sad- Sad that I visited, as I had interrupted their routine. Possibly, they were quiet, since they were not who they once were and, they had little to say. Mom has no memory of short term things, and she wanders about during the night. Dad had an alarm put at the top of the stairs,so it would awaken him if Mom walked outside. It is almost impossible to know what Mom is thinking, and we often watch what she might do next and, she cannot tell us she is restless, But she darts suddenly in or out of a room, Or, out of the door for a short time. She is very fearful if Dad is not within her sight, And Mom becomes anxious, calling for Dad; Dad, who is 94, elected to care for Mom at home, Against our better judgment, as he could not care for her. Dad eats breakfast now, and they sometimes do not remember to have lunch. My siblings take turns being sure that they do have dinner. Meals on Wheels were suggested, but, Dad said no- He has always been self sufficient and proud.

Mom only wants to be with Dad at home. Yet, he cannot properly care for her. Dad’s vision is diminishing, and he has a hearing loss; When Mom awakens, restless in the night, Dad is unaware she has gotten up, and she wanders. Mom’s mind is continuously racing, mostly in the nighttime, and Mom and Dad don’t want to go into any type of facility. And the four of us, their children, know they would be safe, should they agree to move to a home for seniors. But there is a disagreement on what will be done for them. Dad is ambivalent about moving to a "home" and, he feels that he will lose his independence.

Years ago, Mom had asked Dad to NEVER put her in a home, and Dad gave her his word. His judgment was good at that time, but I know he will not let her live elsewhere. In some areas he does well. Most of his memory is intact, yet he lacks logic, as he also, is at home all day with Mom, and he has the same worries we all have. And, being the caretaker, Dad has followed her wherever she walks,and he makes sure she does not do anything dangerous...

The worry and responsibility for Mom is too much for Dad. It seems to have made him look older, and thinner, losing a good bit of weight, as Mom does not remember to always make lunch. She seems to have no hunger, but I’m sure Dad is hungry. Prior to Mom’s illness, she has never missed cooking a meal. Mom’s illness began with ability to do whatever she normally does-then, she began to address her children as someone else, who was a friend or relative from the past. One of my sisters she called Peg, who was a woman who grew up with Mom, and my brother she called Ronnie, who was Mom’s brother. It seems that many persons with Alzheimer’s retain some of their long term memory, and one or two generations seem to be in a time warp. I had come home to Mom and Dad’s for a visit, and I noticed Mom was smiling at me, but she did not know my name. She said some days later that, "Somehow, I think I know you, but I don’t recall your name." I told Mom that I was Toni, her first child, and she seemed to just smile. Later that afternoon, Mom held my arm and said, "You know, I am not sure who you are, but I think you are one of my cousins." This time, I did not correct her.

The next time I visited, I saw some inability to cook, and Mom’s conversation had diminished to a word or two. She wasn’t aware of this, which was fortunate. The car and its’ keys needed to be removed from the home, and supervision was necessary. The care giver was very helpful, as she cooked their meals, helped them to bathe, and gave them their pills.

Now that I have returned home, I am uneasy having to leave them right now- They will need assistance and supervision, but even with these things, There will be falls, incontinence and wandering, and, some of the things that nightmares are made of...

It frightens me to think of what could happen. And, I am certain, being far away, I will not even hear of many things that might occur. My parents cleave to one another, as each other’s friend, Mom has a feeling of great need, and Dad wishes to care for her.  I simply do not know what the answer is for them, as they have always been independent. For the past year; they did not want any help. Yet, I shall always have trepidation when I think, "It’s just the two of them." Good judgment is almost gone.

Epilogue: Mom has passed more than two years ago, and they were cared for by a care giver, live in, who cared for them both very well, yet being in a private home does not pay Medicare, and each could have lived in a Nursing Care Facility, with Medicare picking up the tab. They were alone, just the two of them with the care giver,until Mom had a stroke, went to the hospital, and passed. Now, Dad stays with the care giver five days a week, at a very large, five bedroom home, built by my grandfather, in 1911.  Dad does not want to live anywhere, except at home. He spends the weekend at my sister’s home, in the same area in New Jersey.

How are his days? Some are good, and some are not. All his relatives are deceased, and most of his friends and contemporaries are also in the same predicament.I remember, as a child, Dad told me there were three things we MUST do-breathe, die, and pay taxes. I think that when Mom was quite ill, what he wanted most, was to be there for her...

© T. D.Helfrick

Author’s Note: I have cared for many men and women who were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, in a hospital Alzheimer Unit. The article is written for anyone struggling with a loved one with this disease, and I have shared this to help others know more about it.  There is an Alzheimer’s Foundation that can assist anyone who has questions about this disease.