Caleb McNamee here.  Thought I'd write to let you know what's been happening in my life and in the lives of my family.

Unfortunately, my baby brother, Webbie, is no longer living.  He died around Easter time this year; the AIDS that ravaged his little body finally became too much for his system to handle, so he succumbed to the disease.  We were with him when he died; it was very sad, one of the worst things a family can ever go through!

I don't remember much except the funeral and all these relatives coming over, bringing food, clucking their sympathies at us as they hugged us.  It was very uncomfortable, not to mention, unnerving.

I haven't cried that much, but lately, it seems that's all I've been doing.  Maybe the grief process hit me late, but it seems that any little thing, or the sight of babies or toddlers can get me started, especially boy babies or toddlers, because they remind me so much of Webbie.

Or I see baby stuff or little-kid toys strewn about on the floor somewhere, or even at the store, and it's enough to get me bawling my eyes out.  I've been in the middle of Wal*Mart or ToysRUs, just crying to beat the band.  It's very embarrassing to have to try to explain myself at times!

Webbie was only two and a half when he died.  He really suffered at the end.  He had these horrible blisters and bruises, and he couldn't breathe without help.  He ended up spending more time in the hospital than out, and it was hard seeing him in bed, IVS and other tubes attached to him like cords. 

The doctors and nurses were wonderful; they tried to make him as comfortable as possible, and tried to reassure us that they were doing all they could to help him; however, we all knew that he would not get any better.  And he didn't.  He ended up dying anyway.

Now I'm without a brother, and we are all living, walking zombies.  We cry at any little thing; we snap at each other, and it's all we can do to get out of bed most mornings.  Life suddenly isn't worth living anymore; it's as though the energy has been zapped out of us.  It's funny how death can take so much out of people!

Now it's just past July Fourth, and we didn't even go to see the fireworks.  All we did was stay home and cry as we knew that Webbie loved the Fourth.  He especially loved the fireworks.  That was his favorite.  They reminded us too much of Webbie, so we didn't even bother to go see them light up the sky.  It was hard enough hearing them.

Soon, school will start back up.  Maybe it will help me get my mind off of Webbie.  I sure hope so; I hate thinking about him all the time!  I just wonder if he is having a good time in Heaven; he's probably driving God out of His skull or the angels bonkers!  LOL

I know he's a lot better off than we are.  At times I wish I could join him; life isn't worth living without Webbie! He was the best little brother a kid could have ever had!

Well, hell, I've done made myself cry yet again, so before I short out my computer laptop, I'd best go!  Besides, it's too freakin' early to be awake; it's not even light out!  Still black as pitch outside!  I will write in here again soon; until then, this is Caleb McNamee signing off!  So long for now!  Just pray for us; pray we get over these sad feelings!  They're about to drive us crazy!!

~Caleb McNamee.  :(  *tears!*