Recently, a friend sent me a message asking that I connect with him through a site similar to Facebook or Twitter. I am his friend so I gladly obliged. Soon, I started getting hits but noticed that none of them were of the male persuasion. No prob. However, I got more and more and still, no man-doods. Before long, I was deleting people faster than Vito Corleone on his daughter's fourteenth marriage. There were girls from Canada, Russia, Zimbabwe and Sri Lanka as well as a troupe of Albanian belly-dancing transvestites and a "Miss Ling-Ling" from a side street address in Taiwan.
It's very strange. They all want to jump my bones and they haven't even seen my bones. If they did, we would no doubt be hearing rousing choruses of, "Unclean! Unclean!"
Even if I wasn't married and had the inclination to have my bones leapt upon, I'm a little skittish about girls. I didn't have the greatest luck with them when I was growing up. I could never find an instruction manual. Believe me, I looked.
However, there was Sarah. I liked her. She was born with three arms so she could hug the snot right out of you. I tried to get her to go into politics because she could shake hands like nobody's business. Plus, she was an excellent body guard. Teach a three-armed woman karate and you've got a real wrecking machine on your hands.
She also had a really ugly dog which she kept in the bathtub. I guess he liked water. Or maybe it was his skin condition. He was green and scaly with short legs and a really long tail. He must have liked me a lot because he'd open his mouth and smile every time I came in the room. He was always trying to jump up and lick me but with those little legs, he couldn't jump very high. But, he licked Sarah's cat and he ran away. Well actually, he disappeared.
For more, go to my site, diggerdan.what-big-teeth-you-have.
I told my psychiatrist, Dr. Demonic, about it and he said that therapy for me is kind of like putting on makeup in a thunderstorm. Things are going to get ugly sooner or later.
I hate doctors.
