It was a real Looney Toons moment and left me wondering once again why weird crap only happens to me.  I was busy preparing chicken for dinner which, according to the latest PETA guidelines, requires offering them counseling, Prozac and a blindfold.  But, that's when I looked over and noticed water in the utility room floor.  Upon investigation, I found that the water heater pipes had been rusting and leaking behind the unit for what appeared to be some time.  I was going to have to replace both the water heater and the floor that it sat on.  The chickens were overjoyed.  Me...not so much.

But, as much as I dreaded it, I got to work.  I replaced the utility room floor, put down the new water heater, connected the pipes and, according to the directions (yes, I actually read them for once) filled the tank and ran water in the sinks to make sure I was getting water from the heater.  It was an unusual event for me because everything was working on the first try.  No leaks.  No problems.

So, I went back in and was standing in front of the heater admiring my work when suddenly, it sounded like a shotgun went off in front of my face.  "Boom!"  One of the pipes broke from inside the wall, shot past my head at supersonic speed and ricocheted off the wall behind me.  I instantly offered  up an expletive for anyone who might be listening but that was about the time the tsunami hit.  A wall of water that made Niagara Falls look like a slow drip in the bathroom, hit me in the chest and blasted up in my face.  For just an instant, I thought I saw a bright light and grandpa.  He's dead, you know.

The impact knocked me back but that wasn't as bad as the realization that I had to get to the water cutoff valve which ironically, was above the water heater.  I looked like a pot-bellied, Irish salmon fighting its way upstream but I finally made it only to realize that the water cutoff valve was on the pipe that blew out of the wall and was lying on the floor behind me.  Yet another expletive.  I grabbed some tools, ran outside and cut off the water at the meter but by this time, expletives were old hat.  I had created a whole new category of adjectives to describe this mess.  It wasn't as bad as the time I woke up in a bathtub with a kidney missing but, it was close.

I went back in the house to survey the damage but was surprised to find that my new utility room floor was relatively dry.  It was damp but there wasn't so much as a puddle.  It appears that about half the water went out the back door and the other half ricocheted off the wall and shot back through the doorway into the kitchen.......which was totally flooded.  So tomorrow, I'll start tearing out and replacing the kitchen floor.  Life is good.  For chickens, anyway.

My psychiatrist, Dr. Demonic, was no help.  He said that in his expert opinion and speaking from 30 years of psychiatric experience, I am the Titanic of the human race.  I am the Hindenburg of humanoids.  I am the Pee Wee Herman of studliness, the Erkle of sexy leading mean and the Jack Black of dieting.

I hate doctors.  that's why I put Ex-Lax and sleeping pills in his hot chocolate.  After he was asleep, I took off his shoes and socks, painted his feet black and put his shoes back on.  I figured that would keep him occupied while he was on the toilet.  If, by chance, he could get to a toilet.  As an added bonus, I nailed his office door shut.

Some time later, we had words over the incident but I didn't get to use any of mine.

Boy!  That guy can scream.