It’s been a while since I wrote anything. My owner’s computer was not working right and I’ve not been able to get my thoughts recorded. I have continually observed my fellow dogs and I have especially noticed how humans seem to mess our lives up. Oh, they mean well, but they never put themselves in our places. They need to walk a mile on our paws. They need to try to give up fire hydrants for Lent. They should try the dangerous game of chancing Toyotas. That one can really be difficult. Just about the time you think you’ve caught it, it takes off like a fire truck.
But let me talk about one of the emotional problems given to us by our owners. We have a deep identity crisis.
Why….why….why to they have to act like we are their children?
“How’s my good little boy today?” Ugh!
“Come here and sit on Mommy’s lap.”
If she had a lap I might try.
And they stretch this on out to our children.
“Oh, isn’t it a cute little baby! Come to Grandma.”
They are ruining the next generation.
But it’s more than their words. They think we should want to go to the bathroom on their schedule. Do they think our life is based on their feelings? They want us to go outside when we don’t feel like it and they don’t want to open the door when we REALLY HAVE TO GO. We should never think about wanting out during the last few minutes of the TV show. Never, never ask to go out if a basketball game is going into overtime!
They add insult to injury by dressing us in crazy clothes. At first it was supposed to keep us warm during winter. Then they celebrated spring by dressing us like Easter Bunnies. Bunnies……what an insult! We’re supposed to chase rabbit, but be rabbits. And what about Halloween? I’ve been Batman, Spiderman, Superman and Matt Dillon. The greatest insult was being dressed like the President --- any president!
Last Halloween I was dressed as Goldilocks and my brother was dressed as Little Boy Blue. We went door to door and collected a lot of chocolate candy. What’s wrong with this picture? Dogs can’t eat chocolate! It will kill us! Try that one on a weak identity and see what happens.
I wish I could change places with them. I’d block the bathroom door and only let them in when it suited me. I’d call them stupid baby names in a baby language – “Is ooh having fun my itty bitty baby?” Then I would dress them in uniforms like Rin Tin Tin and the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
When all that was over, I’d make them take a bath in the sink and I’d dust them with flea powder. I’d also wrap their medicine in pieces of stale bread. Finally, I’d get them the most terrible tasting dry food from a bag and tell them to eat it, or else!
I guess I don’t do this to my owner for several reasons:
1) he lets me use his computer.
2) I don’t have thumbs.
3) I can’t speak English – even baby talk.
4) He embarrasses himself more than I could embarrass him anyway.
The next time you see a dog that seems to be acting out, he is probably confused about his identity and doesn’t know how he is expected to act. Please be patient. Take a look at his owner and you’ll probably have sympathy with the poor dog.
