I dreamed of you, my son, last night. You were alive and so vibrant. You were wearing a blue suit with your sweater vest and tie and sporting that short marine hair cut.

Scotty, you were about 25 in my dream, although you left us at age 23. You were surrounded by younger family members who looked up to you for guidance.  Unlike your true life, in this dream, an air of confidence surrounded you. You were of sane mind, capable, and responsible.

Some crisis was going on and you were sitting at an airport cafe with your younger crowd... you looked around and said with conviction,
"enough of the sobbing and worrying girls, lets just figure out how to fix this problem." You had a lisp about your lips... ironically in life you did not, but your father did. You spoke like your father, and of course looked similar to him as you always did.

That is the man you were meant to be, I see it now. I looked at a photo of your younger half brother raised overseas with the love and support of your father. He had the advantages you never had.   Perhaps if you had what your half brother you never had; you too would have been a young, mature, stable man with confidence (perhaps a guitar slung around your weightless shoulder).

I miss you son. I miss that even when you were 10, when I went to kiss you in the middle of the night while you were sleeping, you would peck the air as if kissing me back in a sound sleep. I know you loved me all my life.

Thank God those words of love were ALWAYS exchanged in our lives together. Although you did things I didn't always approve of you knew of my unconditional love. I never wanted you to suffer the consequences of your many bad ideas, but as you became an adult I could only let you go and just hope some of my advice rubbed off on you. Sadly my youthful ways were in your genetics. At least I survived those years of mischief, you did not.

Now that I am awake, I suddenly realize my dream was just a dream of the man you could have been and that the hair cut and suit you wore was the same you wore when you spent your last Christmas with us in 2008.  It was just a dream, a dream of a boy who never grew into a man. A dream of a child I bore and lost.

I miss you son, I will always love you, infinity x infinity!

Mom