Did you ever immediately fall in love so totally you thought you would die in the next second? And did. And never forgot? Not ever?
Joel is still my heart and how I felt and feel about him, the most nostalgic and so longing. Heart though true ; then and now...and once—young. I’ve distilled two years into one and have compressed time other ways, as well as changed some places and some incidents. The changes are minor. His name is Joel with whom I happened to fall in love. For a lifetime. And eternity to come, I fully vow.
Peace, Joel,
Barry)
Dear Joel,
I met you for the first time today. Your skin was like bronze. Your hair like a tiger’s mane dipped into the most golden of suns. I fell in love with you. First, because you are beautiful. Two seconds later, I fell in love with you because you are Joel. It was such a hot August afternoon. You said Hi I’m Joel. I said Hi I’m Barry. I guess you caught the tremor under my voice.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
We are friends now. How happy I am. I thought I had been in love before. But now I know I hadn’t. Your voice is like a cool spring on a hot day. Every word you say. Every smile you smile. Every way you move and look and laugh and be contemplative—you are the finest book I’ve ever read. I came home today and cried. Because I got to spend time with you. And laugh with you. And look at you. And hear you as you hear me. I love talking about books with you. You are the first person I could do that with. And breathe the same air as you. Oh Joel. Oh Joel. I am so glad.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
Today I heard you play the piano. The songs were classical music. We were in one of the soundproof rooms in the Fine Arts Building at UT. You are gentle and wise. Your fingers touched those keys. I stood behind you and whispered blessings on thee, my Joel. The days are getting cooler, now that September is here. I am lost in romance with you. I say your name over and again. It is my talisman. I cannot get hurt now. By anyone, but you. It is something of a trade-off. It fills me with exuberance.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
I wish I could mail these letters to you. You would run away, though. Hey, we both like Kurt Vonnegut. I’ve just read MOTHER NIGHT (thank you for letting me borrow it--I held a book that had been in Joel hands--how wonderful) and I agree with you, it takes apart politics and in Vonnegut’s own lovely, gentle way, deals with identity and the fine art of brainwashing that leaves us unawares. Do you know what you are to me? You are a rainbow. I dream of you here in my little apartment.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
Dear and love are words that have real meanings now. We sat on your bed and talked books. You read your poems. I think I should be the luckiest person in the world. I am. Through these eyes I see you. Let me always have these blessings to come through my eyes. My eyes of now. My eyes of you. Do you see me? Do you?
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
I lay awake all last night, thinking about you. And about love. What it means. Why you were the one to, unawares, steal my heart. I don’t know, nor do I care to find out. I just know I feel alive only when I’m around you. Sometimes I cry at night. Alone. I fear terribly doing that one-day in front of you or someone or just in public in general. I wish Halloween would get here soon.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
Our first day of Autumn, real Autumn has arrived! I’ve always loved it—cold and crisp, brown/gold crunchy Autumn leaves. The sky that hazy ghosty snowy look it has. And me driving down country roads to see you. You in brocade shirt and heavy jeans and work boots. Hey, Joel, I’m growing my hair long so it will look like yours. Mine’s brown of course. It’s almost to my shoulders. Close to your length. I’m dieting too, so I can be thin as you are. And that is some thin!
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
I loved your records. I love the chamber music playing at dinner with you tonight. I could study you forever or just your smile and those sweet pale lips for an eternity. You are curled in my heart always. You have a second home you don’t even know about. A place to run to when things fall apart. Where there is always snow outside our comfortable cabin with a fireplace and love to last that is tangible and that is Joel. Do things ever fall apart for you? You are so graceful and easy in your world. You seem to have never been harmed in the slightest. I pray God you will always stay that way.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
I guess the thing I fear the most is when you tell me you have a girlfriend. Let me live in my make-believe for a while. I hope. When I was a kid, my mom was always making fun of me for some reason cause I said make-believe. My friend then said say “pretend” instead. Somehow it worked. My mom accepted that word. I guess it sounded more grown-up or something. You are both my pretend and my make-believe lover. But you are my real and true friend.
I love you,
Barry
Hi Joel,
Do you have any concept about what a miracle you are? How you are put together just perfectly? How your voice could be no one else’s, but yours? How no one could ever have those brown eyes but my Joel? I guess parts of us are generic, but not you, you are a sum total of a lovely dream. Come true . How I miss you already. We see each other once a week. I die without you. And am born when I see you again.
I love you,
Barry
Hi Joel,
It was a lovely Halloween. We celebrated together. We gave candy and cookies to the kids at the door, or mostly you did, and I watched you laugh with them and say exactly the right things to them. You are not gregarious. You are shy and soft. But when you smile, it’s just that right Joel smile. And when you move your hands to play piano, to write a poem, to hold a book, those are solely Joel hands. Forever and a day. I have found my forever and a day.
I love you,
Barry
Hi Joel,
You said today you have a girlfriend. Two in fact. I’m sorry I am so selfish. But I know you are temporary now. I just feel heart break. How sad I am to be me. How wrong I am to be me. Hey, Thanksgiving is weeks away, but the weather is already deep November weather. Thank you for not telling me about your girlfriends. I tried to hide in my eyes. But you saw me run away. And now you know. Oh god, now you know.
I love you,
Barry
Hi Joel,
Thanksgiving’s tomorrow. I’m off work early and will be at your house at one on the dot. Thank you for inviting me. I loved walking down the railroad tracks with you tonight. Nice cold wind. Secret words. Hopeful tomorrows. I’ve always wanted to do that. We talked about dreams and big tall wishes and distances the trains that used to travel these tracks made. About the loneliness of train whistles. And midnights, as they rackety pass by on tracks in back of houses and wondering if kids in those houses, if there are kids in them, lie awake listening to trains, like we do?
I love you,
Barry
Hi Joel,
It was a lovely Thanksgiving. The turkey and all the fixings were fabulous. Your mom really had a feast for us. I loved walking the country lanes, with our heavy jackets and the cold winds blowing in our faces. You are a great track runner. Thanks for inviting me to your meets. You are almost flying then. Oh Joel how I love you. Could you maybe just have one girlfriend instead of two?
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
It’s okay. A guy’s gotta go on a date. It’s okay. I hope you have a nice time. I really do. I hope she treats you well. You deserve that. I took out my photo of you and looked at it for a while. I am always scared. There. I’ve finally admitted it. You will go away. I’ve put on some Rod McKuen albums, I know you don’t like him, mostly because your dad doesn’t, but I do. Though I pretend around you that I don’t. I hope you have a nice time.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
Thank you for not telling me about her and what it was like. I guess I should have asked. Hey, I had a great time walking with you in our very first snow together!!! I love your letters that arrive to me on Wednesday. Your handwriting is sweet and Joel and I read each one so slowly, wait till I can’t stand it to open the latest. I love saying Joel. Like saying Maria, in “West Side Story”—loud for music, soft for prayer. And it really is too.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
You told me her name. It’s a lovely name. Joel, I hope you two are happy together. What’s happened to your other girlfriend? Hopefully she still likes you. I have a feeling I’m going to be lonely all my life. When I was a kid it was kinda fun. Now it’s awful. An awful thing to depend on a person. Like snow fall tall and high, warm days melt it and kill it before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to save it. I keep waiting for the mail, even on non-Wednesdays. Or the phone to ring. Or the doorbell. I see you everywhere, Joel. Is it really possible for a person to think of someone else every single second of their lives? It seems to be. Christmas is next week. I hope you like the card I send.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
It was just a stupid card. I got you a book too, but thought—no, I shouldn’t give you a present, for some reason. It was just a stupid card. It didn’t mean anything. Thank you for calling me Christmas Eve. Have a good time with your family and guests. I guess I’ll see you next week. These letters are what I write between the lines of the letters I send you. And between the lines of my newspaper columns. It’s ok. It was just a stupid card.
I love you,
Barry
Dear Joel,
Thank you for coming to see me. It was so wonderful!! Our new year together. Happy New Year. The snow scape was magnificent. And driving through it to see me, Joel. Thank you for saying you like my books and the music I played. What a deep snow day that was. The Apt. Heat’s not much, so we had to keep our jackets on. You are so cool looking in your warm, (semantics) leather jacket with fringe on it. I love your cowboy hat. All floppy and tan, gotten at the Salvation Army. Oh Joel, thank you for getting me the book. Now I feel badly for not giving you the present I bought you. Damn. What do I do? I love Robert Silverberg and haven’t read NIGHTWINGS—great find—yes, next week we visit that used bookstore together—I love used books—they seem friendlier somehow than new books.
I had a great time today.
I love you,
Barry
Hi Joel,
I really wasn’t cut out for the newspaper job anyway. I think I will try to go into teaching. Probably will go back to UT for my teacher’s certificate—kind of don’t know why—I mean I never liked school—guess I want to hide out from the real world.
Take care,
Barry
Hi Joel,
I don’t know how weird this is—but I feel lonelier with you than I do without you, and I really feel lonely without you. My feelings for you are stronger than ever, but I can’t get the words out in my secret letters to you even. I’m sorry someone else took the other girl from you. I have no idea how that could happen to you. Oh, no, I didn’t ask you if you would read COME WINTER because of that. Honest---it’s a sequel to LAST SUMMER and I tried to explain—but the look in your eyes drifted—and I had my own answer too. I’m sorry I screwed up, Joel.
Barry
Hi Joel,
And winter is gone. And spring is here and its hot as hell and I guess I’ll take my boss’ offer for me to stay at the paper for a while till I decide for sure what I want to do about the teaching certificate or if I should scout around for another job. As distance expands,
I feel you closer to me than ever before. I never say goodbye. I always wait and hope. Oh fuckit Joel you’re going away, I’m losing you, oh please Joel, don’t. I can’t sleep anymore. I’ve become skin and bones. I walk for hours at night. Oh god Joel just keep me around a little bit longer, could you? Would you mind?
Barry
Hey Joel,
I really hate Easter. I tried not to think of Valentine’s Day. I didn’t come by that week to see you. My hand was trembling a lot and I just couldn’t take it—you know—I didn’t read the letter you sent that week—I have it—haven’t opened it—you’re really intelligent, more so than me, and you would have been right and have been kind about it—I have hidden all my life. And I just couldn’t do that during Valentine’s Day week. I wrote you a lie about why I couldn’t see you and pretended I hadn’t gotten your letter. Please forgive me.
Barry
Joel,
I should be allowed to tell you I love you. I’ve just always had to play by other people’s rules and truth to tell am getting kinda goddam sick of it—I know what love sick means—and I know my love counts for nothing—anyway thank you truly for letting me still hang around.
Joel,
You visited the used bookstore here and you didn’t even drop round to see me? Didn’t even call me? Didn’t even let me know you were in town? Your letter arrived on Thursday. What’s happened to our Wednesdays? It was good of you to call and let me know you couldn’t see me this coming weekend. I love you.
I dwell in your smile. I say your name a million times. I hold your picture in my pocket. I am never without it. I can’t re-read your letters stacked on my bedside table. I just can’t. I hope you will write soon..
Oh sure, I’ve been ditched by people and will be ditched by more. But its okay—I mean we’re still friends and there has not been an unfriendly word between us and I will love you every second of every day for the rest of my life, elf king—smile—but I know how it is to die inside. I used to think I knew what that was like. I was wrong. Don’t be anyone but Joel. Please don’t be anyone but Joel. For all your days…you’re forgetting me even though things seem the same—or do they? ---
I’ve come to the end of my secret letters to you. I’ll just write regular letters for you to read.
Yours forever,
Joel, I’ve got NIGHTWINGS on my shelf for reading later. I mostly am going to be too busy thinking of you, but will get around to it.
Thank you again.
Your friend,
Jamie was a healthy, active 12-year old who loved to skate and played hockey as well as any boy. Then one afternoon during a game, she suffered a stroke that changed her world. Her memoir takes the reader through her ordeal and her journey out of the
