Let me tell you about Steve. He was a hot walker for another trainer in the same barn where I worked as a groom. He used to have a lot of trouble walking horses. I helped him out one time when a horse he was walking got spooked and he fell down. His gaydar must have been working ‘cause after that when he was finished walking the last horse he would take his shirt off and sit in a suggestive pose on a bale of straw outside of a stall where I could see him.  

His boss was a drunk and made fun of him calling him a skinny faggot anytime he could. Steve would never respond; instead, he let the verbal abuse continue along with the tears he shed as he walked with his head down around the barn, but did manage to smile when he looked at me as he walked by. He was so cute and I felt for him. I wanted to hug him and wipe away his tears and tell him I understood.

But that's not reality.

One morning around 10 o'clock Steve had finished his work and was walking up the shed row on his way to the track kitchen. His boss staggered alongside of him continually calling him a faggot. I had had enough. When they got to where I was standing I walked out into the shed and stood nose to nose with the trainer and called him a drunken bastard. My boss was standing just up the shed row and fired me on the spot. Steve's boss loved it.

“What you gonna do now you skinny faggot?”

Steve kicked him in the shin and his boss fired him too. The word spread quick that I was a faggot lover. That's right a faggot lover who took the so-called faggot home with him that day.

After we both got fired Steve didn't understand what was going on when I put my arm around him as we walked out of the stable area. “You need a ride?” I asked. When we climbed in my truck and started out the parking lot gate he began to give me directions to where he lived.

“Don't bother,” I told him. “You can go home with me if you want to.”

He agreed, slid over on the vinyl bench seat and put his head on my shoulder as he cried uncontrollably. I put my hand on his leg and that's the way we drove through the city. When we made the left hand turn on to the highway my hand made a change in direction too. Steve never noticed as he was burying his face in my armpit wiping his tears on my shirt. My apartment was another 15 minutes away and my raging hormones couldn't get there soon enough.

Shooting pain in my heart.

We got undressed as soon as we got there. Believed we were just seeing what it was like. I found out I liked it a lot and let him stay. He was the first guy I ever wanted to live with.

We slept together that night, our hands exploring each other’s bodies; however, in the morning he was gone. He stole my Minolta 35mm camera as well as my virginity. I realized then he just wanted a place to sleep and someone to screw and in my mind I threw his ass out but he wasn't gone.

Steve only got kicked out  in my mind. I gave him a second, third, fourth, and so many chances I lost count 'cause I do love him. Not just the fantastic sex we had but he was really a nice guy and we had a really good thing going.

Anytime we went out people always liked him and treated us like we were a couple, even if they were sort of not comfortable with knowing two guys who slept together.

When Steve and I talked it seemed like we were thinking the same thing a lot. I don't know how to describe love. I just know it felt good to have him around, except when he's drunk or high, the drugs are why he stole my camera.

We lived in this small town up north of the race track and you could walk everywhere to do your shopping and stuff. One day I came home from walking around and Steve was in my truck taking the radio out. He told me he needed some money to pay this guy who he got some stuff from. I didn't ask but I kind of knew what stuff he was talking about. I made him put the radio back. Later that night, after I was asleep he came back down and took the radio. The next morning when he was gone I figured something was up, went down to the truck and saw the radio was missing. I made my mind up right then to put him out. This time he did leave.

He's not here anymore physically but boy does that same mind that brought him home that first day miss him.