ANXIOUS THOUGHTS  (3/14/2010)

The sweating and chills escalated into a torrent of anxiety.  Walking down the aisle of sodas and beernuts was just one aisle from the frozen food section.  I shivered.  The end of the line went fast – ahh relief.  Sick no more.

I said not until I do 4 more (knowing I only needed 2) but I had to laugh because he believed me, and accepted it.  Feeling hilarious for just a brief few seconds made my entire body numb and acceptable.  From rags to riches to rags again in 45 seconds.

The starbucks challenge.  There is always someone in the group at town hall that yells “I cant’ taste the difference”.  I took the test and got it wrong.

Just to sit here is this little tiny cupboard of a studio/apartment and be grateful for the little stuffed animals, my dusty clip-laden lamp in the corner of my black second-hand 3-coat black spray painted desk on a wonderful desk chair made for an executive secretary that I got from my daughter, and for my husband sanding the $40 coffee table down to its original oak makes my world rock.  The birds rock too as they sit one in each corner of the bed under the high ceiling fan set on medium chit-chat back and forth to each other while the news is on low volume.  This is life at its best.  Just to sit in my space with stuffed animals all around, regardless of my dentures uneven fit and my grinding of teeth.  It’s all good and comforting to feel well again and have peace of mind.

On one side let the world see.  Let them see the shadows on the walls and feathers in their niches billowing in the breeze of the fan.  On the other hand, let no one see anything from the inside out, from the point of view of the fly on the wall.  The bite of ripe pear skinned and waiting on the napkin for the last hour tasted so good, it’s a wonder I wait to devour such a burst of life to the tastebuds for absence of sugar and flour.

I just got a bite of a pear shoved into my ambient out-of-body experience and after receiving it so politely on the outside and so irritated on the inside, I discovered again what orgasm of the tastebuds can do for you.  As for losing weight, my tastebuds are the key to my shrinking bodily existence’s future.  Oh, and don’t throw away the bottle caps because they are reward points.  Look down as you walk, honey.  It’s amazing what you will find with your eyes on your feet as you shuffle down the street.  It looks rather odd but there is a purpose to every reason under heaven.

Feeling like a soaring person in a chair is a wonderment to my chomping dentures that are coming loose again.  Time for reinstallation.  I am so grateful to be grateful.  Called my sponsor but her phone is down.  I will call her sponsor to relay a message.  My eyes are seeing double again.  I hate when that happens.  It is time for a pair of glasses that actually work at the computer.  I must stop now and further my ideas for later, and fix my teeth before crepes a’ la Michael.  Yummy….
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Today (7/2/11) we moved to a cottage 3 months ago on 7 acres in the country 60 miles above San Francisco in wine country and California cowland and love it. We are happy and healthier. I am getting out more and not so afraid of leaving my room, though I do have agoraphobia still a little bit and am addicted to my Xanax and the remote (CSI, Forensic Files, etc.). We work off rent for the landlords taking care of this property, with horses, swingset, pool, a HUGE barn, and a vege garden, amongst a large meadow we golf into. So time heals and change is good.