I should have never let Micah go ...

It's my fault that Micah is no longer a part of my life.  

I got sick with MS about five years ago and couldn't care for him, so I gave him up for adoption.  He now lives with somebody else.

I am no longer a part of his life, and it tears me up inside, every minute, every hour of the day.

I have the kind of MS that gets worse over time.  I will never get any better.  Eventually, my MS will become such that I will be bedbound and others will have to take care of me.  

I will die.  That's how bad my MS is, has gotten.

I didn't want to be a burden to my son, so I gave him up.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.

Micah has been adopted by the family who took him.  His name is Micah Darian Patterson.  His name was Micah Levi Garrett.  I only had him for about a month before the MS got to the point I couldn't care for him any more.

I use a wheelchair on good days.  On bad days, I stay in bed.  My vision is just about totally gone.  My hands tremble so much I drop things and can barely function.

The family who adopted Micah sends me pictures and newsletters regarding his progress.  He is doing very well.  He is going to be in kindergarten next month and is a very smart, intelligent little boy.

He has my curly dark brown hair and hazel eyes; otherwise, he looks like my husband.  Ex-husband, I should say.

Micah is altogether beautiful!  

He is going to be a big brother:  his adopted Mommy is having twin boys; they're due right around Christmas.

What a gift that is going to be!

His parents let him talk to me on the phone sometimes.  We don't talk long because I tire so easily, and hearing his voice makes me cry.  I know deep down he must hate me for giving him up.

I did it out of love.  

I hope he believes that.  I have to believe that.

I wanted what was best for my child; since I couldn't (can't) provide for him.  I wanted him so damn bad.  I tried.  I really tried.  My husband?  Out of the picture:  he left me shortly after the MS diagnosis.

How's THAT for love?

A different family can provide him a more stable environment than I can.  He won't have a sick Mommy to worry about.  He has a Daddy in his life that will be there for him.

I pray that Micah continues to do well.  I just wish I could tell him how much I still love him and how much I miss having him in my life!  Maybe one day I will, but the pain is still too great.  

~To be continued.~