This story is about the last 3 years of my life. I have been "happily" married for 10 years. We were always addicts and had a great time for many years. Then I left him 3 years ago and went back into the fold of my family in California, from being married in Arizona. Once I got back to my family I became an instant Grandmother with my 3 granddaughters, all so young (two 2 year olds and one 6 yar old at that time). Now they are 5 and 9. I am very close to one very special one I call Babydoll, who lives 5 miles from us and I babysit her every weekend. This granddaughter gives me so much love and we are very attached to each other. She adores me and loves me so much and shows me all the time with hugs and out of the blue says, "Grandma, I love you." It touches me so much. Her true love keeps me alive, literally. She is the only one on this planet that loves me unconditionally and from the bottom of her honest heart.

I have tried suicide about 8 times, and I am near that point again. My husband and I are so estranged. He is always too busy to sit down and be intimate with me. He has ADD really bad and an opiate addiction, and is aways moving around and rearranging the house, gardening constantly, or sitting on the couch watching TV while l sit on my bed watching TV. We just don't have "moments" anymore. ....I take that back. We do have moments when he 'FINALLY" comes to bed after being up for days and is so exhausted that he has to fall over and sleep. He loves it when I make sure he is covered up and loves it when I put the covers over him fanning the blanket a few times over him. Then when I go to my side and crawl in bed, he snuggles really closely and purrs like a kitten just knowing I am there for him. These are our moments, when he is falling asleep in my arms. I am too tolerant to bear this cross anymore.

Today we got into a really bad fight because I told my daughter that he was using again, and now my little babydoll is not allowed overnight like she comes every weekend for the night. I love being with my Babydoll on the weekends. We have such a loving time together and she unknowingly nurtures me back to life after slowly dying all week at home with a cold husband. Now she can't come over because I let the cat out of the bag. I should have kept my mouth shut but I had to tell someone about his using again, and my daughter is one of my closest "friends" I have. Now I can't get to see the only source of love in my life on the weekends anymore. I was so excited to have her over this weekend. I bought 2 yards of beatiful fleece so I could make her a poncho that she really wants and now I can't make it for her. My world fell apart this morning.

I am agoraphobic and don't know anybody but 2 girlfriends far away. I"m very lonely and depend on my husband for company. Just being in the same house is comforting, although I don't get hugs unless I go to him for one.

This morning we were told my little one could not come over today due to my husband's behavior but I dare not tell him that I told her he is using again because he would leave me, but that it was because of a pot plant in our bathroom. He got so mad at me. It's ironic that just last night I told him I needed sex, and also a package of Extamax, a stimulant for girth and length for men, came in the mail for him yesterday that I ordered. He won't take them and I told him I needed sex last night. I masterbated and he knew it because I couldn't find our "toy" and needed it. I told him to leave me alone and I ordered Playboy for stimulation. I have not had an orgasm in 3 years!!! He hasn't touched me in 3 lonely years. I am crying right now because this morning he told me that he didn't want to fuck me because of my mouth because a using buddy came by and I screamed him away. He said I was a turn-off to him and he doesn't want anything to do with me sexually.

After our fight he took me to get my meds and we went to the swap meet together in silence but he took my hand and told me he loves me. I get my hopes up but that's all he gives me - a hand to hold from time to time and a few words to appease me. I'm feeding off of dried up fruit in the desert. Any food is good food to me right now. Any touch even just to touch my hand for 10 seconds, feeds my heart for a few days. That is pathetic and I deserve to be loved and appreciated. I'm out of harms way when I am silent and invisible.

I am so torn apart inside right now and lonely, not even my granddaughter is here like usual, and I am alone on the computer while my husband is fixing a weed eater in the kitchen. I have the CSI Las Vegas DVD collection and just received Season 7 and haven't watched it yet. I have something to keep my hands away from my prescription pill bottles. I take xanax and oxycodone and have plenty of them to sleep forever. I want nothing more than to sleep forever right now. Nobody wants me and I have nowhere to turn to for a hug.

I turn to writing now to whoever is reading that I hope you are there because I am really suicidal right now and need to know someone is listening to me and hearing my scream for attention. Is it worth living if the one that "loves" you doesn't want to touch you? I am a little overweight but very pretty and nurturing. I need to be loved by my man. It's not going to happen. I wonder if I will be on this earth in another month? There is nothing more painful than rejection by the only ones you love. I live in a small world I fill with petty art projects and TV AND lots of pills.

I am done crying the blues. I apologize if I sound like a whiner but I am a broken human being that is ready to dive off the deep end. Forever. But, I'll be back to write again. I promise.