My wife ChiChi and I are reading the Daily Bug Planet and she spots an article about my old friend Morris, the spider.
“Noogie,” she says. “I’m reading here in the paper that Morris A. Trapdoor is listed in the Fortune 500. Did you know that, sweetie? Isn’t that your old buddy Morrie?”
“Yeah! Whatsit say about him? I knew he got into selling cruises with a big company, you know, the Love Boat type, but how much could you make with that?”
“Well, it says that he owns the billion dollar Arachnid.com business. That’s the company I’ve been telling you about that arranges Arachnoidal safaris and cruises around the world.”
“Huh!” I say. “That’s wild. He was always so unsure of himself, good kid, but unsure. Go figure!”
“What was he like, Noogie?” my sweet wife asks.
“Huh! Well we used to hang out together, but his mom said I was a bad influence, I guess because I wasn’t married. She was always trying to get him married off. I wasn’t ready for that then. For all I know Morris might have hitched up by now. I remember the last time I saw him; he was finally dating a gal. We went our separate ways after I got the job in Kansas teaching computer to young arachnids. You recall ChiChi, don’t you?”
“Oh yeah, you specialized in web designs.” She says.
“Right. Right.”
Noogie is on a roll reminiscing about bachelor days. ChiChi listens spellbound to her handsome hairy husband.
“Morris, me and some old cronies from college spent lotsa summers on an upstate New York farm behind an outhouse. We had the best times. Great vacations! We used to meet every August. The guys played catch the fly everyday and later in the evenings we’d wander over to the Rusty Pail Pub to spin a few tales with our brews.
ChiChi moves closer. She loves it when Noogie tells stories.
“It was relaxing out in the country not having to hide and worry about the city’s scary problems. We could eat when we wanted, lie in the sun or just build large webs from the snowplow to the old Hudson rusting next to the fence. At night we’d fill the air with our favorite songs, “Arachnoids Stand Together” or the ever-popular “The Itsy Bitsy Spider. Ha!”
Noogie sighs and rubs his back legs together.
“The only bad thing that happened the last time, my pal Moochie broke his elbow checking out the latrine, but the fellas jumped in and gave him enough of the right care and a juicy fly helped to heal his broken limb.”
“Who were the other studs that you palled around with?” ChiChi asks.
“Let‘s see, Morris and Moochie came from the same apartment house in Manhattan, while Rizzo and Hymie lived closer to the dock. Zitzie and Shnoz, known as the “bugs brothers,” and Arturo had a place closer to the opera house. Muhammad Ali Ali, owned a great gym in Harlem where he made super improvements with the kids in the neighborhood. Morris and the guys worked out every Thursday night at Muhammad Ali Ali’s place.”
“So, sweetie, tell me more about Morrie and your other friends?” ChiChi asks as she crosses her shapely legs. Noogie mildly distracted continues.
“Anyway, even though things worked out pretty good at his apartment in the city, Morris hated to go back home, from vacation, to that dark trekking-boot in Doris Pinenuts’ closet. Usually, by the time he came back from hiatus in September, Doris would be all done hiking with her group from the Pipefitter’s Association. Doris was an outstanding, talented plumber and well-respected. She was the one that contracted and plumbed Donald Trump’s place last year. That year her organization voted to trek Mt. Rainier’s high country in Washington State.
Morris used to live with his mother Mindel, father Nat, sisters Rosie and Vera, but like I said, they were always bugging him to get married. After college he got his own place. I took his sister Rosie out a few times, but then she started to get too serious, always talking about setting a date. Anyways, that’s when Morrie found Doris Pinenuts’ boot. His old friend Sammy, the Dreamer, used to live there with his bride, Arachne. She was a weaver who came in on a Greek liner from Athens. They’ve since moved to Long Island with his mother.”
“Gee, buttercup, you sure had a lot of friends.” ChiChi says.
“Yeah. I had a lot a fun with them. Let me tell you about Arturo. He was going to move in with Moochie but then decided he wanted to be closer to the opera house where he could listen to the classics with Zitzie. Arturo and Zitzie were an item. They enjoyed dining in swankier spots before the opera.
Now, Shnoz dated a girl from the Bronx, a sweet little number with a small waist. She could spin a silk web and zap insects quicker than most of those sapiens can slurp spaghetti. Morris was always wishing he could find a steady girlfriend. Shnoz says, ‘Someday I’m going to get me a gal from the West. I like them zaftig, like my friend Harry’s girl, Zoe. You know, she’s that tarantula from California. I think he said near San Jose.’
Then there was Rizzo and Hymie the weight lifters. They spent their winters working out for the big event of the year. Mr. Athropod USA. I heard Hymie, had been a little out of condition since he was occupied with Miranda, the long-legged cutie. She lived in a lavender satin ballroom slipper in a penthouse on Fifth Ave.
“What about Rizzo?” ChiChi asks, still thinking about Shnoz’s small-waisted filly.
“Well now, Rizzo owned a cafe with his mom. She was an amazing cook. She could make Saltimbocca Cockroaches to die for. That’s where the guys all used to meet on Friday nights to have a little mountain dew and sautéed SC’s before going to Times Square for a late show.”
“What happened the last time you and your buddies went to the countryside?” ChiChi asks as she snuggles closer.
“The last time we went, Morris seemed a little sad when we were getting ready to go. We were all leaving about the same time. It had been a knock-out-of-a-summer; our bellies were full of gnats, grasshoppers, flies, plant lice and locusts legs. We had every imaginable delicacy. We agreed that we’d do it again next year, same time, same place.
Hymie says, ‘Best to catch the two o’clock bus to get into the city before the commuter traffic gets heavy.’
After we boarded, each of us went to our favorite spot on the bus. Morris and I sat under a seat, near the back wheel. He was thinking about his hiking boot. That’s all he ever talked about.
‘You know, Noogie,’ he says to me. ‘I’m gonna have to redecorate. Give it a little lift. It needs some class. My sitting room needs some new webs and pillows.’ ‘What you need, Morrie,’ I says, ‘is a sweetheart! You need to branch out more, not sit and mope all day reading those silly science fiction books about giant flies invading earth. One can only dream of such things!’
‘You’re right, Noogie,’ He tells me. ‘This winter I promise to get out more.’
Sometimes he didn’t see his family for weeks. Mindel, his mother called him everyday to make sure he was eating properly and to ask about his doings. When he visited them, she usually sent him home with corned Matzoh moths, a little horseradish and a lotta lecture.
She’d say, ‘Morris, what’s your life all about? You go to work, see your crazy friends, go to the movies and read those funny books, and that’s it! Find a nice Jewish girl and settle down.’
‘I know, Mama. I will, Mama. Stop bugging me about it.’
‘You’re getting older and it’s not going to get easier to meet anyone. Look at Mrs. Grossman’s children. All married with kinderlech! I hear even Moochie’s going to get married soon. What’s her family like?’
‘How should I know, Mama?’
Noogie was happy talking about his old friends. He leaned back and crossed his legs as he watched ChiChi plucking her eyebrows.
So, as I was saying about the trip, the other guys were snoozing, the sound of the bus motor lulled them into a dream state, except for Morris.
‘Noogie,’ he says, ‘I was thinking about the new gal who moved under the kitchen sink. I want to get to know her but I’m a little shy. I’m just going to have to bite the bullet. Maybe she’ll go with me to La Vida Loca, that new Salsa dance ballroom.’
“Yeah,” I says. “Good idea, Morris.”
‘I don’t know a thing about her or her family but she sure looks sexy and cute. I’ve only seen her from the back. Man! That hourglass figure is sure striking! It could be quite an evening. Who knows where it might lead?’
I was just beginning to doze. I could hear the bus coming into the city sounds. Another vacation with the guys was over.
A week later I run into him with my friend Manny. We are checking out the empty apartment next to the Roxy.
‘Hey, Noogie,’ Morris says. ‘Where you been? I tried to call you last night.’
‘Just hanging around, Mo. What’s up?’
‘Say, Morrie,’ Manny says. ‘What’s this I hear? You’re seeing a new girl? I hear it’s the one that lives under Pinenuts’ sink?’
Noogie turns to ChiChi, her eyes are wide open.
“Morris looks like a new man. Every hair on his back and legs are in place. You can see he’s feeling good.”
‘Yeah, that’s the one.’ He says. ‘She has her own place. Guys, I think I’m in love. She’s knocking me for a loop. I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s been helping me decorate my place.’
‘You’d better be careful; she comes from a tough family.’ Manny says. ‘She’s got brothers as big as quarters. If they catch you they’ll string you up alive. And her father’s a big daddy, too. You know they’re involved in rat racing. They’ve got a hellava home on the Jersey shores, an abandoned mansion. Enough room for all our families!’
‘Jeez, Manny, how do you know all this?’
‘I used to date her sister, Mala. You have to get around more, Morris; you’re always stuck in that boot. There’s a whole world out here. Anyways, is she nice?’
“Manny asks. ‘What’s her name? I know she has a strange one.’
‘Her name is Succulenta. She’s a hot one, Manny! Took her dancing. Had a blast. Boy, can she move. You shoulda seen the look on everybody’s face. Jeez!’
“ChiChi, you coulda knocked me over with a gnats wing when I heard that! Manny was worried about the new girl. But I was tickled that he was finally going out. Then Manny says to Morris.”
‘Just don’t get married, Mo. Okay? Just don’t get married. If you’re not careful she’ll be the death of you!’
‘Ahh, stop worrying, Manny. By the way, you’re nagging me like my mother,’ Morris says. ‘They’re having a big dance at the Sons of Italy hall, Saturday. Some of the guys have been invited with their girls. You guys wanna come?’
‘I don’t have a girl right now,’ I say. ‘But maybe I’ll find me a real spinner there. Are you sure that we can go there since we’re not Italians?’
‘Naa, don’t worry. Everybody goes to those gatherings now, Noogie. Even Chan is going with his date Mae Wong.’
‘Really?” I say. “I understand his art is selling like hot mosquitoes.’
‘It’s weird stuff,’ Morris says. ‘Kinda far out. Always has flies falling out of the skies. Who knows?’
‘Yeah, I know.’ I say. ‘Did you hear they won third place for dancing this year at the professional ballroom in Manhattan?’
‘Yeah? How about that?’ Manny says. ‘They’re good. Real good. She makes their outfits. That sequin stuff. Man, can they move.’
‘Hey, Noogie, a couple of the guys were talking about taking a different trip for next year instead of going to the countryside. Maybe an archeological dig in Israel.’
‘I might want to go, but If I get that job offer that could blow the whole thing.’ I say.
‘How long are you planning to be gone and where are you staying?’ Manny asks.
‘Could be a long haul, maybe six months to a year. We’ve been thinking about staying in a Kibbutz.’
“I asked Morris if he was going to go.”
‘You betcha. It sounds great,’ he says. ‘Count me in, that is if I don’t get married.’
“Anyway, that was the last time I talked to him, ChiChi, because after that I met you, at the dance. We got married soon after and then I got that job in Kansas. But it sure sounds like ole Morris has done well for himself.”
Want to review or comment on this short story?
Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Reviewed by
11/2/2002
Very funny stuff. This would make a great script for an adult cartoon.
Lord Belmundus – The Omnibus One is a compilation of Books 6 through 10 of The Adventures of Lord Belmundus, a remarkable tale of other worlds, strange customs, beauty and warfare; and, in its grips, lands a young celebrity, who has the chaps to play
BOOK I of THE JADE OWL LEGACY SERIES: An out of work Chinese History Professor crosses paths with a young scamp in San Francisco and becomes part of a quest for a lost and dangerous Chinese relic.
Ragged and weary from their previous ordeals, Braxton and his motley crew of elves, dwarves, and humans, set off into the Wilderkind Forest in search of the Sapphire of Souls. The problem is, the last time anyone saw the powerful gem was over a hundr
