Your new spouse has a child with AD/HD. Your life will never be consistently calm again. A fresh conflict arises, anger escalates and tempers glow white hot. It's like someone has hit the family puree button. Welcome to life in a blender.

It takes the patience of a saint, and often the hide of an armadillo, to move as a step-parent into a blended family with a hyperactive child. But with a serious effort to understand the AD/HD child's needs and the following survival hints, most problems can be addressed, sanity can prevail, and the results can be more rewarding than one might imagine. It does take time—and attention.

That last part sounds intuitive, but especially as a brand new step-parent having zero experience with an AD/HD youngster, the first inclination when the shouting starts, regardless of one's age, is to regress to the age level of the child. When that happens, you can feel like you've stepped into a blender and someone has hit the puree button. It's no fun, and the potential exists for hurt feelings, bruised egos and even extreme results like child abuse and a crumbling marriage.

Diagnosis of AD/HD is outside the scope of this article. There's a lot of controversy about this still poorly understood syndrome, but strides are made every day, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is starting to be recognized as more prevalent than once thought. A study by Dr. Timothy Wilens at Massachusetts General Hospital determined that four to five percent of children in this country are affected.* The syndrome's manifestations can be very dramatic, and the undiagnosed, unmedicated hyperactive child can literally be out of control.

Samuel Johnson said remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience, and he may have been right. But your new partner is ideally suited to your needs, and so you take the plunge, marry and start blending families. It's happening everywhere you look these days, and it can be done well, even with a hyperactive child involved. But a stepchild's AD/HD will add to the stress, so it's important for your own peace of mind, and for your new spouse's—the child's parent—to know what to do.

Obstacles to finding peace and serenity with your new partner abound. Among these are resentments that build as a result of the hyperactive child's behavior and the natural tendency to blame the parent for it. It's tough to blend families in the best of circumstances. Experts agree it takes a minimum of five years. When one of the blended kids is challenged, the puree button is armed and ready.

I say challenged because that's exactly what an AD/HD kid is. And challenging too, especially for a step-parent whose role is often unclear. Gender differences are important. Dr. Kathleen Nadeau, PhD, author Understanding Girls with ADHD* and Director of Chesapeake Psychological Services in Silver Spring, Maryland, says, "Girls direct criticisms and rebukes inwardly; boys tend to lash out at others. In practical terms this means that girls' self-esteem suffers, while boys tend to remain aloof from their behavior. And a girl's self-esteem tends to erode as she enters puberty, just when fitting in with her peer group becomes vital."

The damage can last well into adulthood. Depending on their handling of crises, a girl's stepparent can either reinforce or deflect that damage. Interactions with boys on the other hand tend to be more intense and closer to the social model for boys who are encouraged to be aggressive, aloof and confrontational.

When the child travels between residences, he may exhibit what I'll call "reentry syndrome," the difficulty of adjusting to different rules and expectations after a weekend at the other parent's home. Often this non-custodial parent is the good guy who exercises little or no discipline. As soon as the youngster returns home, that freedom gets curtailed. For a while the child may pay no attention to your discipline or advice.

Then again they may. As a rule AD/HD kids are surprisingly compliant when their syndrome is under control. They can be the most charming people you'll ever meet. What drives them is attention and rewards for good behavior. The label, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, works both ways: These kids not only lack attention spans to help them stay on track, they also crave attention from authority figures, because they feel out of control a lot of the time, and that too is a source of anxiety for them. This is where you can step in and make a difference. Here are a few steps to help you through the next five years—or five minutes for that matter—when the blender is whirring and you're feeling chopped up.

I've listed the four steps using an easy acronym: A.D.H.D. Adult, Disengage, Heart and Drugs. The mnemonic may indicate a certain order of importance, but don't stick to that. The rules are easy, straightforward and they really work. There will be setbacks, tempers will flare, and you'll feel like a failure. But with time, attention and these simple rules, you the stepparent can make a difference to a troubled kid.

Adult

That's right, be the adult. Studies show that in terms of maturity and behavior, hyperactive kids commonly perform two to three years behind their peer group. Dr. Nadeau says "These (AD/HD) kids lag behind their peer group in their emotional intelligence, and the gap grows after puberty. An 18-year-old can act like a 14." A preteen will act precocious one minute, childlike the next. Only you can help them recognize proper behaviors, and steer them away from improper impulses. "Nothing unusual there," you say, but the AD/HD kid will have wild swings of age-inapproriate behavior. Be a good role model. And don't be afraid to demand high expectations, because these kids crave control, and their world is black and white. Inconsistency causes them much anxiety.

It's tempting to duck from parental responsibility, but don't automatically defer to the biological parent in matters of discipline. You're the stepparent now, and that second word means just what it says. Your new partner needs your help parenting also. Be the adult, and….

Disengage

This may be the most important survival skill you'll need, the ability to walk away from outbursts. AD/HD kids have no social filter. They'll say exactly what's on their mind without regard for feelings or consequences, so be prepared for that. The temptation is to respond instantly to protect yourself from verbal barbs, and that can easily lead to a shouting match. When a confrontation starts, it's easy to lower yourself to the child's level. But don't. It's the toughest thing to do, but you must ignore them and walk away. Engaging the child, arguing and exchanging shouts is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Indeed, the hyperactive child might actually feel more comfortable in the high-tension atmosphere of verbal confrontation. An escalating argument is like a stimulant drug that provides a high degree of attention, which is exactly what the child may crave. In the interest of sanity and domestic peace, simply state your expectation and then say no more. Walk away. Disengage. But do it with…

Heart

Have one and don't be afraid to show it. An AD/HD kid is the most honest and perceptive child you may ever meet and he has a baloney detector second to none. Here's a thought. This may be the best opportunity you'll ever have for true honesty, if you can handle it. These kids really do say what they think.

Another good acronym to remember is PYB. Pick Your Battles. Punish only the most egregious errors and go on. Hyperactive kids need a lot of understanding. Use the sandwich method—point out a recent positive behavior, sandwich the negative in the middle, then mention another positive in closing. Don't criticize. Be a refuge. Have a heart. This includes monitoring their…

Drugs

Hyperactive kids do better when their pharmacological goal is attained. That goal should be the use of proper medication properly utilized specifically for them. No one likes to think of kids on long-term medications. But if the regimen allows AD/HD kids to function, to achieve and to maintain dignity with their peers, then it's cruel to withhold the appropriate drugs. Especially as the youngster reaches puberty, as Dr. Nadeau says, and their self-esteem and position in their peer group become vital, their medication regimen must be closely watched. Monitor the dosage and intake time for their meds and recognize when they're wearing off.

Typically, one of the most difficult times for hypeactive behavior is late afternoon when everyone converges on the family dinner table, everyone's hungry, jangled and feeling a bit owly anyway. That's when the meds have worked off, and the slightest provocation can cause an eruption. The AD/HD kid lives life constantly stimulated, like having an exposed nerve rubbed raw. The prescribed drug lowers that threshold of stimulation and volume of input. Recognize when the meds wear off, respond accordingly, and you can be a hero for your attention to your hyperactive step-kid.

Step-parenting a hyperactive child isn't easy. But using the four steps outlined here—A.D.H.D.—Adult, Disengage, Heart and Drugs—you can restore peace and comity in your household and give the child back the dignity, calm and attention he needs. After all, one result of tossing things into a blender and hitting the puree button is that they always come out a lot smoother.